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Ever disclosed to your SO?

For those married or in a Long Term Relationship and struggling with limerence.
leelou
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2019 5:28 am
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New Zealand

Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by leelou »

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever told their SO about their LO, or even just about limerence in general?

I've had a trying week. My LO is a guy who works with my husband. I've been obsessed with him ever since seeing a photograph of him at a work event a few months ago; ever since then I've made up a LOT of reasons to pop into my husband's office so I could get my "fix" of seeing him. Never actually had the courage to speak to him apart from to nod a quick hello. Then there was a social thing at the office this week and I was properly introduced to him, chatted a bit, made him laugh - so he must be in love with me too, right?! :))

He's jaw-droppingly attractive. His smile... *sigh* I am so lost now! My feelings are even more intense, having trouble sleeping, can't concentrate and I'm largely ignoring my family so I can focus on imaginary scenarios with LO. In a strange way I enjoy this fantasy world but it's just becoming a bit overwhelming now.

So anyway, it got me thinking about ways I could stop this obsession. I briefly toyed with the idea of telling my husband - but playing it down and making it into a joke. I'm not sure if I can, it would be totally mortifying and I'm not sure what it would do to our relationship. Also he would probably tell my LO about it, and the thought of that is unbearable!

Has anyone else disclosed to their SO and how did it go? Thanks in advance for your support :-)

Bridget
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Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:18 am
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United States of America

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by Bridget »

Hi leelou,

I disclosed to my SO but he didn't know the LO, so I don't think my experience will be applicable at all to your situation. Having to work with someone whom your wife has a crush on--much less limerence for--could be hard for anyone to take lightly. He'd have to have a strong sense of self-confidence professionally, emotionally, and physically to not be affected by that info.

Do you tell him about any other men you find attractive, even if only celebrities? Maybe he has a high tolerance for that kind of thing.

leelou
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2019 5:28 am
Gender:
New Zealand

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by leelou »

I have talked to him about limerence in the past, but only in a very general, jokey way, and only ever about famous people. I don't think I've ever had such an intense crush on someone we actually know before, which is possibly why it's thrown me so much. I just want it to stop!

I'm not going to mention it to him. While he's confident and we have a great marriage, I'm not sure I could pitch this in a funny enough way for it not to bother him a bit.

It's a bit difficult because we emigrated earlier this year and while we have made many friends, I don't have any here yet that I would count as being close enough to talk to about this. Making fun of myself always seems to help make these feelings more manageable... I'm glad I found this forum, I can vent here instead!

How did your SO take it btw, was he supportive or did it bother him? Sorry to pry, but I've only recently discovered that limerence isn't just something which happens to me, and I'm curious about other people's experience of it.

NVTS
Posts: 630
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by NVTS »

I told my DW and she didn’t handle it well(understatement of the year). I do think having good self esteem would help SO’s process this in a better way.
Mine has poor self esteem, and is very insecure. I even sent the link to the Wikipedia site but it was information overload and too technical. Those who have a background in medicine or psychology seem to understand the Wikipedia page better and more easily.
When all else fails;
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!

Bridget
Posts: 270
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United States of America

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by Bridget »

I've disclosed two LEs (that were about 12 years apart) to my husband, each when I was at least months past the most intense periods of obsession. In both cases I disclosed in an effort to get rid of the secret I thought was contributed to our lack of emotional intimacy. In both cases, he showed very little emotion other than having an unpleasant or distasteful look on his face.

SO didn't ask any questions or say anything at all the first time. The second time I asked him for how he felt, and he said he didn't like hearing that I had feelings another man, but that was about it. Later, I asked why he didn't have anything else to say and his response was that he didn't want to be mad at me.

That second LE was particularly intense; I felt drawn to that LO in a way I had never experienced before an I could think of nothing else but him. There was no hope for having a relationship with LO so I had to work for many years to try to get over him. The upside of the experience is that I recognized myself falling into another LE a couple of years ago with a new coworker. I decided to tell SO about the attraction I felt toward this guy early, hoping that SO would be a teammate in helping me avoid that slippery slope. SO's response was a slightly pained look on his face, and then he basically said that I shouldn't feel bad.

IMO, SOs response is due to his stunted emotional development. He shuts down when I disclose, and he shows no interest in discussing my LEs. His resistance to discussing his feelings and mine plays a huge role in the emotional distance I feel (but that he can barely recognize). We're working on it.

leeloo, I suggest you start examining what feels lacking in your life that would make a fantasy about your LO so appealing. Maybe you're lonely for friends or are feeling ignored by your SO. Figuring out what problem your trying to resolve with thoughts of LO and then addressing it will help you move past your LE.

PickUpStix
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 3:24 am
Canada

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by PickUpStix »

I did. He handled it really well although we have since decided to separate because I realized that the LE was my brain’s way, the final straw, getting me to realize that we shouldn’t be together for a variety of reasons. Hopefully if you choose to share your feelings your SO will be able to help you through it.

Raven
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 5:41 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by Raven »

I told my husband about what I was going through as I thought it was so bizarre that I was having these very intense feelings about a virtual stranger.

I thought I had bipolar disorder until I read about limerence.

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WishMagick
Posts: 722
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
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Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by WishMagick »

I have fully disclosed to my husband.

He is supporting me, and trying to help me as best as he can.
He understands what I am going through as much as possible. I don't think he's actually been limerent for anyone (though he says he has). He's had intense crushes on people before, but never while in a relationship with someone. This is also my first time being limerent for someone while married.

My husband is extremely secure with himself. I encourage EVERYONE to disclose to their spouse who is secure and has their shit together.
I can't imagine how lonely and horrible those of you who can't say anything to your SO's feel.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Mezzer
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Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 6:43 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by Mezzer »

I disclosed to my SO, before I knew what limerence was, she was her usual stoic self, she didn’t ask any questions beyond if she should leave? Which I found bizarre, I then discovered limerence and tried to explain it, she didn’t seem interested, she now acts like everything is normal because if I ever try to talk to her about LO she gets cross. I’m dealing with things on my own now, but not doing a great job, I constantly interact with my LO who loves the attention, I’m considering leaving my SO because I can’t kick my addiction and it’s disrespectful to an essentially good person.

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WishMagick
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Re: Ever disclosed to your SO?

Post by WishMagick »

Mezzer wrote:
Sun Mar 15, 2020 9:11 pm
I’m considering leaving my SO because I can’t kick my addiction and it’s disrespectful to an essentially good person.
:(( :(( :((

What you said there hit me hard. I feel like this sometimes too.
I have a long history of hating myself and I feel like I don't deserve my husband with how wonderful, understanding and patient he has been with me during this whole thing.

I also feel like I can't kick this and I am hopeless. Sometimes I don't even want to get better. Le sigh.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

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