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Not enjoyable but helpful

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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mamasita
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Not enjoyable but helpful

Post by mamasita » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:12 pm

Slowly slowly slowly, I come out of the fog.
Yesterday I peeked at a social media post I had never seen: A new picture, LO and his wife, gazing into each others' eyes. Hands on each others' thighs. Smiling wide.
My first reaction was :ymsick: and I wanted to feel mad or sad. But there was something more within. It was a realization, like a crack in the idea that I had made up about LO.

In my mind and what I have seen of LO was that he didn't really like her very much. They were married, they divorced, and it was all well known in our circle that he wasn't that into her anymore. They get back together break up, over and over. I had seen disrespect and their relationship crumble for years. Other pictures of them I looked at HIM and thought he needed ME to be truly happy. Seemed like a forced smile, or none at all. :)) I knew I was just seeing what I wanted to see. But I still believed he wasn't really happy.

Back to the picture yesterday. He loves her! He always has. She loves him. They were looking at each other with that look that you give someone who you have loved the very most for many years. A look of connection, Solidarity. I am happy for him that the woman he loves and has loved for years still looks at him in that way, and that they can be a family.

I never think looking at LO social media is helpful. It kept me looped into the fantasy for way too long. But yesterday, it helped me. I never had the right to drop into LOs life and create confusion for anyone.
All I can do is :ympray: and thankful I stopped the chase that went nowhere except down the path of confusion and pain.

Maddie
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Re: Not enjoyable but helpful

Post by Maddie » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:59 pm

That is awesome, Mamasita! Seems like a huge step outta the fog. I'm happy for you!
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Bridget
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Re: Not enjoyable but helpful

Post by Bridget » Wed Oct 09, 2019 11:30 pm

mamasita wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:12 pm

I never think looking at LO social media is helpful. It kept me looped into the fantasy for way too long. But yesterday, it helped me. I never had the right to drop into LOs life and create confusion for anyone.
All I can do is :ympray: and thankful I stopped the chase that went nowhere except down the path of confusion and pain.
Mamasita, I'm glad you found a bit of ... awareness from that dip into his social media account.

Also, you just reinforced the reasoning behind my decision to not disclose. I may be fooling myself about how not disclosing is a favor to LO, but that very well could be true, and it is an act of kindness to keep my obsession to myself. Thanks!

Tala
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Re: Not enjoyable but helpful

Post by Tala » Wed Oct 09, 2019 11:38 pm

mamasita wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:12 pm
Slowly slowly slowly, I come out of the fog.
Yesterday I peeked at a social media post I had never seen: A new picture, LO and his wife, gazing into each others' eyes. Hands on each others' thighs. Smiling wide.
My first reaction was :ymsick: and I wanted to feel mad or sad. But there was something more within. It was a realization, like a crack in the idea that I had made up about LO.

In my mind and what I have seen of LO was that he didn't really like her very much. They were married, they divorced, and it was all well known in our circle that he wasn't that into her anymore. They get back together break up, over and over. I had seen disrespect and their relationship crumble for years. Other pictures of them I looked at HIM and thought he needed ME to be truly happy. Seemed like a forced smile, or none at all. :)) I knew I was just seeing what I wanted to see. But I still believed he wasn't really happy.

Back to the picture yesterday. He loves her! He always has. She loves him. They were looking at each other with that look that you give someone who you have loved the very most for many years. A look of connection, Solidarity. I am happy for him that the woman he loves and has loved for years still looks at him in that way, and that they can be a family.

I never think looking at LO social media is helpful. It kept me looped into the fantasy for way too long. But yesterday, it helped me. I never had the right to drop into LOs life and create confusion for anyone.
All I can do is :ympray: and thankful I stopped the chase that went nowhere except down the path of confusion and pain.

OH WOW!!!

I wish I could feel that way. I hope and pray that one day I have the exact same realization because deep down I know he is happy with her (although he is a narcissist and did cheat on her repeatedly so I am not sure). I dont think I can ever feel that way and be happy for him after all the pain he inflicted.

mamasita
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Re: Not enjoyable but helpful

Post by mamasita » Thu Oct 10, 2019 2:39 pm

Thanks friends!

And yes, Bridget, I regret disclosing. On one hand, we both knew we had a history of flirtatious behavior...but I should have left it RIGHT THERE. It's out there, which I wanted, but I can't put it BACK to where it was. So now its mostly awkward, for me anyway.

Tala, it has taken a LONG time for me to get here. I joined this site almost exactly 2 years ago now. That was when true healing began. O:-) Whatever LO's have done to the people they love, they have to figure out how to repair. I've finally dropped the expectations I had of LO when it comes to me. He never owed me s**t. Don't get me wrong, the feelings creep back. And then I have to battle them back down, remind myself to love ME through the wave.

Pattihopeful
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Re: Not enjoyable but helpful

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Oct 10, 2019 3:24 pm

Wonderful progress, Mamasita! This inspires me to keep fighting this. What is done is done as far as disclosure goes. I am telling myself that as well. Hugs to you.

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