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What do you do when you work with your LO???

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Ifeelsick

What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by Ifeelsick » Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:27 pm

My wife and I lost our child 16 months ago and since then she has not been very interested in intimacy, which is totally understandable. I wasn't either for a while but as time has gone by I've regained my sex drive and she is still struggling. A few moths ago a younger woman (by 15 years)that I work with started to pay me some attention (probably because of the intense diet and exercise routine I've been doing for awhile) and it made me feel fantastic. My wife went out of town for the weekend and my LO happened to not have any plans for Friday night after work. I made the terrible decision to go over to her house for a few drinks. I won't lie, I was hoping something more might happen and it did. I believed that I would be fine because I love my wife and it was just going to be a purely physical no strings attached thing. I ended up spending the night and when I left in the morning it was just kind of left in the air about what would happen next. I spent all the next day feeling like I was going to be sick and when my wife came home on Sunday I thought I was having a heart attack because of my guilt. And wouldn't you know it, the night she came home she really wanted to have sex and physically I just couldn't so I made up an excuse about not feeling well and then proceeded to lay in bed without sleeping a wink all night. When I went to work on Monday I tried conversing with my LO with some small talk emails to which she replied to with direct answers and never reciprocated anything that would be engaging to me. I couldn't breathe. I was so confused as to how I could be so upset and confused and terrified and guilty. I did this to myself but it was just one night so how could I fell so terrible??? Then I found this site and for the first time since this happened I feel a slight amount of comfort knowing I'm not crazy for how I feel. So...now the issue is that I see her EVERY DAY and I can't keep making excuses to my wife as to why I am unable to perform so I don't know what to do. If I didn't see her I think it would be a lot easier. If she would just say something it seems like that would help but reading all that I have read here makes me think that is a lie I am telling myself. I am trying my best not to think about her and I do well for a hour or two and then it comes back. Any constructive help/advise would be appreciated.

MrSpock
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Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by MrSpock » Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:33 pm

Is telling your wife what is happening an option? if so, that's your first step.

mamasita
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Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by mamasita » Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:53 pm

Sounds like you need to make some decisions. If you want to stay with your wife then I would say that you should intentionally maintain some significant distance (as much as possible) with the other woman. Perhaps you are looking for closure? Can you tell the LO that you made a mistake and that you want to try to get back on track with your wife?

Ifeelsick

Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by Ifeelsick » Tue Oct 08, 2019 9:22 pm

I would like some closure but after reading everything I've read on here I have also come to the conclusion that my mind is playing tricks on me. I have these feelings for my LO that I know are not real and I am afraid that if I bring this stuff up with her it might make my situation worse. Maybe it won't, I really don't know, but I am worried it will. Believe me, part of me wants to just go to her office and say we need to hash this out but another part of me is saying that would make it worse. This sucks.

daydreamer
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Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by daydreamer » Tue Oct 08, 2019 11:36 pm

yeah, classical limerence dilemma. feel sorry for yoa. it must feel like your brain is on fire and hijacked by some weird, powerful force. the PA made it much worse for you.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

NewDay
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Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by NewDay » Wed Oct 09, 2019 11:41 am

I think limerence is a form of escape. For many of us on here we have to work hard to figure out what we are trying to escape. For you, it is very clear and I am so sorry. You lost a child. I can’t imagine anything I’d want to escape more than that. You got to spend the night with someone who isn’t carrying around the same pain as you. You got to wake up in a different bed in a different house. You got to have FUN. Everything you’re feeling now is completely normal!!! I think you should worry less about the fact you work with your LO and more about trying to reconnect with your wife. You have both been through such an unimaginable trauma. It sounds like she’s trying to reconnect. Maybe go away for a weekend? You can address the difficulty of working with your LO later. I would just be afraid you would be throwing your marriage away because you are both hurting so much and not because you don’t belong together. As for telling your wife the truth....I personally don’t know if I could sustain the blow of finding out my husband had slept with someone else while the pain of losing my child was so raw. I feel like there may come a time for that but I don’t know if now is that time. Just my two cents. Again, I’m so sorry for what you have been through. You will get through it and people on here will help you deal with your LO

Ifeelsick

Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by Ifeelsick » Wed Oct 09, 2019 2:02 pm

I really appreciate what everyone is saying and your words are helping. Knowing I am not the only person to be going through or have gone through something like this makes me feel like I'm not crazy and that is a huge help.

marko
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Re: What do you do when you work with your LO???

Post by marko » Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:11 pm

Work makes this so hard as there they are. Your loss compounds the issue as the feel good parts, feel good. Time helped heal parts of my pain which helped LE as well. I don't know if that would be true as it was forced NC. Being here is a good step as you recognized a problem and there is much here to help.

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