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How to disclose without really disclosing?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Hopeless Lomantic
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How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:15 pm

Would like to hear if anyone has actually disclosed in such a discreet manner that it gets the point across without sounding needy, crazy and even if it's a rejection, you could get away from the situation naturally and minimise any damage to the friendship and not turn things into an awkward close.

daydreamer
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by daydreamer » Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:23 pm

MrSpock did something like that a while ago. you may want to search his posts.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

L-F
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by L-F » Tue Oct 08, 2019 6:56 pm

I don't think it worked in Mr Spocks favor, unless they are best of buddies now :-?? And if so then that's good news!

I disclosed to end the pain. In a sense, even though it was dumb, it was the best thing I could have done - though my wording was just plain awful!

But some LS are best friends with their LO and if this was the case for me, I'd be asking they support my choice for NC in order for me to heal - to get over limerence. I'd tell them about limerence and that it's an opening into healing past wounds, and that it was just unfortunate they had to be the trigger.

True friends will respect boundaries. I wish LO was brave enough and aware enough to have supported my healing. But still, its actually not LOs job to.

There is a section on disclosing. You might find some good advice there.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

MrSpock
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by MrSpock » Tue Oct 08, 2019 7:56 pm

Yes I did. You can check my posts.

On the one hand, my message was as subtle and indirect as it can be. On the other hand, it was a disclosure, which she eventually decoded, and when she did, she went nuclear on me.

She changed from being super friendly, sweet and doing all the things that made me believe there was some sort of "us", to never even look at me, let alone talk to me. She would do things like walking to the guy right next to me to kiss him hello and simply pretend I was not there at all.

But her rejection was as hurtful as it was useful, and it helped me a lot to put the distance I needed. It helped me see other sides of her that I couldn't see before. And to focus in the things I do have, since now there is absolutely no "us" to fantasize and cling onto.

However, her consistent rejection, month after month, begun to feel more hurtful than useful.

And, on top of that, I begun to wonder if it couldn't be the case that she got a bit caught up in the ice. That is, not really wanting to treat me as bad as that but without being able to back out after her initial reaction. So, here's what just happened...

This past Sunday we had a shared special training event from 10 AM to 3 PM (the last 2 being a shared lunch after the event). I knew she was going to be there and I didn't want to watch her ignore and reject me all those 5 hours.
So, I changed my attitude and tried something. That is, all this time what I did was to "follow the script", so to speak, and do exactly as she was doing; "you pretend I don't exist, I pretend you don't exist". And even though this written here sounds like a "fuck you too attitude", it was a lot more about giving her space and leaving her alone than anything else.
But, since I was questioning if that's what she really wanted, this Sunday I started to "break the ice", so to speak. That is, in the extensive time before the event really started, when we were in a group, just small talking, I would say something but looking at her while doing it. Not all the time as if she were the only one in the group, but enough to give her room to reconnect if she wanted.

And to a certain extent, she did.

She looked back at me when I was talking to her, even responded with her own small talk back to me. This "change" progressed along the event, and was specially there when we were all having lunch together. She still kept a certain distance, and wasn't specially friendly, but it was very very different from the previous outright rejection.

Last night there was a shared theory class instead of the usual. As I walked into the room, she was already there. When she saw me, she smiled and said hi. It wasn't a big super friendly smile, more like a "classmates standard greeting smile", if you get what I mean. That was it and is not like we chatted or anything, even though there was time and she did chat with a few others before the class started. But it the ice wall between us is definitely melting down.

Now... having said all that.

As I extensively discussed with my T this morning, I am very very well aware of the way this is exposing me, and how I risk getting pulled back into the hell of limerence. But as I explained to him, I cannot really stay completely away from her since we do share this activity and events like the one on Sunday happen all time. I have to try find a balance and restore, not the limerence fulled fantasy of a "special us", but a normal classmates relationship in which she doesn't have to purposely ignore me and avoid any contact.

Only time will tell if I'm putting my hand right on the fire or just melting the now unneeded ice. I'll keep you all posted.

Pattihopeful
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by Pattihopeful » Wed Oct 09, 2019 12:14 am

As I remember you are her manager? If so, you would have to tread very carefully. You could get in a lot of trouble.

Could you say something like a lot of attention in your company is being focused on boundaries and professionalism and how they are going to be paying more attention to it and that you have taken it to heart. As a result, you need to keep work as work and personal as personal.

You could emphasise that you can't mix the 2 anymore nor have contact with her outside of work and that you hope she understands. You will need to stop the lunches and texts outside of work. Assure her she has done nothing wrong and that she is a great employee and she can come to you for all work related concerns. Then keep any further conversations on work only but of course be friendly and helpful. It will hurt like crazy but really is how it should be. Just my opinion.

NVTS
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by NVTS » Wed Oct 09, 2019 3:50 am

Not sure. I disclosed by sending a link to the Wikipedia page on Limerence. This method will not likely work for everyone because there is a lot of psychobabble if you will. My DW as intelligent as she is, didn’t have the patience to digest it. LO OTOH did and for my situation was the best way to go about disclosing.

Peace and strength to you HopelessLomantic!!
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

marko
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by marko » Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:14 pm

Wanting to disclose is just an attempt to keep this going. Perhaps an awkward end is needed, but even that ends nothing as long as the thoughts continue to toy with the LO and possible positive outcomes.

Hopeless Lomantic
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Wed Oct 09, 2019 6:32 pm

Thanks for all the replies.. as much as there is a strong temptation to disclose , I will at least hold it until 1 of us is leaving the company.. disclosure usually achieves nothing except more pain and to me disclosure means "this is coming to a closure"

Hi Ph,

I cant possibly tell her to back off etc, we are close frens and she has done nothing to warrant a sudden cold treatment or a serious corporate talk..

Its tricky definitely being in the same workplace ..

Pattihopeful
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by Pattihopeful » Wed Oct 09, 2019 10:36 pm

That sounded colder than I thought, sorry. Keep in mind that if nothing changes, nothing will change. Limerance most often doesn't go away without a rejection or lower or no contact. Even then, it takes a while.

You're right, the workplace is a bear to have this condition. Wishing you the best.

Bridget
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Re: How to disclose without really disclosing?

Post by Bridget » Wed Oct 09, 2019 11:00 pm

marko wrote:
Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:14 pm
Wanting to disclose is just an attempt to keep this going. Perhaps an awkward end is needed, but even that ends nothing as long as the thoughts continue to toy with the LO and possible positive outcomes.
I lean toward this view as well. On the other hand, not disclosing can be a way to keep hope alive.

The reasoning that finally ended my intense desire to disclose was that it wouldn't be fair to my LO to tell him because he's married. I decided that a loving friend wouldn't do anything that might lead the other friend to feel dissatisfied in his marriage.

Notice the reverse-reverse psychology I used there? AS IF knowing that I had feelings for him would put LO in this terrible state of temptation that would make him unhappy. Yes, I have that power over men... :)) It's laughable, but it works for me!

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