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The Slow Burn of NC

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
Bridget
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Bridget » Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:29 pm

Watchmaker wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:12 pm

Of course, a conscientious Christian would say that only God/Christ is the end all/be all that can fill the hole in our soul... sounds like a sermon message.
Yes, but after her ;) , it's me.

Bridget
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Bridget » Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:43 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 7:19 pm
Watchmaker wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:04 pm
Some have opine that I opened pandora's box by striking first with my indiscretion. But I would argue that two wrongs don't make a right! And now SO has had 4 (that we know of) to my 1... but, who's keeping score? ;)
Affairs are just, dumb. You really don't have to be a rocket scientist to work that one out. Nor can anyone tell me that didn't know what they were getting in to. Its about taking responsibility for our actions.

I can guarantee there was at least a single moment where the person thought "hmm... this might be a bad decision", and then ignoring that voice. Thats okay! Its all okay. We make silly choices all the time. We are humans. For me, its about owning that choice. Then forgiving ourselves.
L-F, I used to have an extremely black and white view of affairs and was very judgmental of anyone who had one. But this latest LO was sooo incredibly intense that the attraction I felt for him felt physically real. Like my body was literally being drawn to his. For a good year there, I knew that if he showed the least hint of real interest in me, I would be all over him in spite of all my sense and morals. I thank God that I never got a clear signal from him.

Yes, affairs are a really bad idea, and it's important to not put ourselves in situations that might tempt us. But I never knew what true temptation was before this LE, and afterward I have compassion for people that have been unfaithful, including my parents. As far as I know, my husband has been faithful, but at this point, depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't completely hate him if he cheated.

L-F
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:44 pm

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Last edited by L-F on Sat Oct 05, 2019 6:12 am, edited 2 times in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Watchmaker
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Oct 04, 2019 2:31 am

Bridget wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:28 pm

Praying for you, WM. I imagine SO moving out could have a big emotional impact on you.

It's none of my business, so feel free to ignore or tell me "MYOB", but how is your daughter doing. My parents separated and eventually divorced right after I turned 4. That initial period of separation left scars that I didn't recognize until I was middle-aged, so I'm feeling for your daughter (and probably projecting 8-| ).

Bridget, you have a way of putting things that just hits the heart.

Yeah... about emotional impact to me... trying to find a way to say it... but I think honestly this is really gonna 'test my metal'. I think I used to be more of an 'alpha male' but life, trauma, and (sadly) marriage with SO has in some ways pared me into more of a beta. :|

But honestly, emotional impact has already been brewing and stewing for a long time, and I had full on earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear meltdowns already this year. 5-6 weeks straight of daily crying/weeping is plenty enough already for this grown man. But who knows after this huge step and change unfolds??

On the topic of my daughter, well this I'm not altogether sure how to talk about here. What I can say is that she's 7, and has always been sensitive and attuned to her environment... discerning enough to know recently that something's not quite right at home - to the point that she brought it up to grandma and grandpa, saying "something's wrong but I don't know what it is... mommy and daddy are more upset"... absolutely heartbreaking... the collateral damage to children is the worst :(

I can't even think about her having scars into her midlife (do to something we as parents did, no-less). But ya know, every family since the garden is dysfunctional... it's just different degrees of dysfunction, right? More to say but, whew this is a sensitive topic for me =((
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

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Watchmaker
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Oct 04, 2019 2:45 am

Bridget wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:43 pm

L-F, I used to have an extremely black and white view of affairs and was very judgmental of anyone who had one. But this latest LO was sooo incredibly intense that the attraction I felt for him felt physically real. Like my body was literally being drawn to his. For a good year there, I knew that if he showed the least hint of real interest in me, I would be all over him in spite of all my sense and morals. I thank God that I never got a clear signal from him.

Yes, affairs are a really bad idea, and it's important to not put ourselves in situations that might tempt us. But I never knew what true temptation was before this LE, and afterward I have compassion for people that have been unfaithful, including my parents. As far as I know, my husband has been faithful, but at this point, depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't completely hate him if he cheated.

Yes! This stuff is spot on. Well said, B.

~

I said in an earlier post that, my-oh-my, if LO had reciprocated with a similar kind of lust, attraction and romantic interest for me as I did for her, all bets could be off, and I shudder to think of the consequences!

~

Also, on the judgment thing: One of the things that really hit me when LE cascaded into this soul-wrenching experience like I've never known, was a greater/renewed sense of mercy, compassion, empathy and sympathy for others.

Some folks are coming from a background where maybe they were raped... abused... stricken and afflicted with severe mental illness, psychological distress, chemical imbalance, and the like.

I went through forgiving some people I had judged (if that wording makes any sense) in the past for their "unruly behavior" and/or "unthinkable sin", etc. One in particular I think had a combination of being a serial limerent and really mentally unsound and unstable. She had all manner of inappropriate behavior and relationship violations with numerous men. She was really 'messed up'.

After going through LE, it hit me that we are all 'messed up'.

Sometimes we can get so thick that we don't even realize how we've been passing judgement on other people and situations, and we can get stuck and trapped or enslaved to unforgiveness (and not even realize it). And if we're not careful, karma can be a bitch!

"Bitterness is the acid that eats through the bucket it's in" as my pastor used to say.

~

I guess things on this thread have sort of snowballed and branched into a range of interesting themes and ideas, having veered from my original NC musings. But this is the great thing about a forum like this, is the open and free-flow exchange of ideas and perspectives!
Last edited by Watchmaker on Fri Oct 04, 2019 2:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Fri Oct 04, 2019 4:02 am

.
Last edited by L-F on Sat Oct 05, 2019 6:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

L-F
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Fri Oct 04, 2019 7:19 am

It's not others (judgement or judging) that we have to worry about, it's what we do to ourselves. If we can't forgive ourselves, how can we claim to forgive others ;)
Last edited by L-F on Sat Oct 05, 2019 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Watchmaker
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Oct 04, 2019 1:09 pm

Feels like I can’t win. Come home from being out last night and there is LO, sitting in my next door neighbor’s driveway.

8-|
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

Bridget
Posts: 196
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:18 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Bridget » Sat Oct 05, 2019 5:28 am

Watchmaker wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 2:31 am

On the topic of my daughter, well this I'm not altogether sure how to talk about here. What I can say is that she's 7, and has always been sensitive and attuned to her environment... discerning enough to know recently that something's not quite right at home - to the point that she brought it up to grandma and grandpa, saying "something's wrong but I don't know what it is... mommy and daddy are more upset"... absolutely heartbreaking... the collateral damage to children is the worst :(

I can't even think about her having scars into her midlife (do to something we as parents did, no-less). But ya know, every family since the garden is dysfunctional... it's just different degrees of dysfunction, right? More to say but, whew this is a sensitive topic for me =((
Oh my! I'm sorry. That is heartbreaking.

L-F
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Sat Oct 05, 2019 6:19 am

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Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 08, 2019 10:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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