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When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Watchmaker
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When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Sep 13, 2019 8:56 pm

• Recent lurker, just set up account, these are my first posts
• With some advice from forum veterans, I’m splitting this LONG story into 3 parts
• This is part 3
• Here is the link to part 1: viewtopic.php?f=45&t=6128
• Here is the link to part 2: viewtopic.php?f=45&t=6129
• Please chime in with your wisdom, insights, observations, questions!


DISCLOSURE TO LO

5 days had passed since a much needed talk with LO, and my mind cannot stop racing, I’m in peak LE it seems. So I started texting LO with the itch to talk, and explain more about my behavior. To my euphoric surprise, she said she’d call me! We talked for 78 minutes… A LOT, for us. I was in heavenly places for awhile!

At first, all I wanted to say was to just only speak about how I felt triggered she was moving because I’ve lost a lot of friendships in the recent years (death, divorce, geographical moves, etc)… and now I was feeling like I’d be losing you and I want to know everything’s cool between us. I selfishly wanted some sense of closure.

She admitted to ghosting me and shutting me out, because it felt like every time she turned around, I was there and it was a bit creepy, etc. Also, she said her SO sometimes intercepts messages on her phone and saw me texting her about wanting to connect to discuss our relationship, and apparently he said “WTF? Does this guy think he’s your boyfriend?” She talked about her crazy, stressful life and how with work, the move, and the 2 year old taking all energies she just doesn’t have time to have smoke breaks like she used to, etc.

I told her how I’ve been crying every day for the last 3-4 weeks, in full-fledged midlife crisis mode. She said she’s been crying all the time too, and shared more of her woes.

I was on a high again to have her acceptance, validation and affirmation.

But then, I just (apparently) “couldn’t” keep it all in, and like and idiot, I basically disclosed almost everything to her. I started really unpacking things. “You came along at a time when I needed a friend and you validated me, encouraged me. I’m very fond of you and I care deeply for you. I want to see you healthy and doing well, and I genuinely care about your welfare. I think about you all the time. I really love you, and really like you. You’re attractive, you’re intellectually stimulating. I have developed feelings for you and an emotional attachment. I’m crazy about you. I am addicted to you.” Blah, blah, blah.

Ugh! What was I thinking?!? What was I doing?!?

She was gracefully receptive and understanding to a point, saying she understands about some of the psychology of things, and about things like depression and addition, etc. But she also said it sounded a little creepy and psychotic. She said she things we both could use some counseling. She feels she’d gotten some help from IC in the past. I asked her why she recently went off her psyche meds, and she said because of weight gain – “I’m getting so fat”…

I said “Ok, here’s where I will have to refrain from coming out and say anything about how attractive you are!”

I told her I was way out on a limb and placing my trust in her to use her discretion, and please don’t incriminate me to your SO, etc. She said he wouldn’t understand, and if she did tell SO, that she herself would get in trouble for having “diarrhea of the mouth” = opening up to many things to too many people.

LO said (with a bit lighter sense of humor), “Well don’t get too addicted, because I’m not going to be around too long!”

After the long phone call, I ‘ran into her’ at her driveway outside, and we hung out for a few on the sidewalk… it was like old times… Somehow, I felt like I had my old friend/friendship back. I was baptized in dopamine and having a huge run of heroin hits… please God prevent a crash!... Again I said something like “So you’re ok?... I didn’t go too far?”… and she said “Well honestly, it’s a little creepy… You’re addicted to me”… but it was (I think) kind of in a joking/messing with me way. But perhaps with these kinds of things one sometimes never can tell… Maybe she was trying to save some face.

Then as it was wrapping up, she went in for the fist-bump, and I said “What, no hug?”… She then said “byyyyyeeee…” and looked at me like I was creepy (turning her head aside, raising her eyebrows, and looking at me out of the corners of her eyes) and started closing the door in my face, and laughed at me… Fuckin’ with me and taking advantage of my fragile state… this is the woman I’ve always known and liked – the one with a sense of humor and the moxie to bust your balls and mess with you!

I had not felt so upbeat for at least a month! A few hours later, I texted her saying thanks again, and she replied with ‘it’s all good’


MOVING ALONG

So LO’s moving finally day comes. I felt at peace (probably grossly selfish and ignorant) but at peace having attempted to address my thoughts and feelings with her before she moves away. They have been flying by the seat of their pants with a just-in-time MO that has been something to behold. They had been needed a temporary place for 3 months till their real new house is ready, and didn’t even snag one until just a day or two before closing on their current hours… and their in-between place is… wait for it… DOWN THE STREET!!!... mere hundreds of feet away.

This is all so anti-climactic!

I guess part of why disclosed when I did (even though I hadn’t planned on it) is because of LO and family are moving away, I felt this urgency to make this desperate (and admittedly, selfish) last ditch effort at the 11th hour to have some sort of closure. I guess I opened pandora’s box instead. I thought I had 3 weeks to wean from my addition, but now there will be another 3 months.

There began to be this terrible feeling like a mountainous tidal wave of regret in having disclosed. I am running huge risks of freaking her out and pushing her away, and also if her SO (who’s bigger and stronger than me, and perhaps a bit more of a tough guy type) should ever get wind.

What do I want? Consummation and home-wrecking? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Really, I just wanted a sense of being able to explain myself, apologize for some things and make amends, and get closure… with the ultimate goal, of just getting my old friendship back with her, and keeping it. But at the same time, I can’t hide/deny the fact that limerence, by definition, seeks reciprocity. I feel like all I really want at this point is to just salvage/retain our platonic friendship.

But I’m pretty sure now that disclosing to LO may just have been among the most selfish and ignorant and arrogant things I have ever done.

In the last week or so, I’ve been in a rollercoaster hell of my own design… rebuilding parity and then shooting myself in the foot, over-pinging her, saying the wrong thing, crowding her, bad timing, always apologizing for a gaffe or faux pas.

She’s definitely back to ghosting me and shutting me out, and it’s worse than before. She’s evading, turning away, ignoring. A few text responses like, “I am really busy, will try later”. But something tells me it’s untrue and not her intentions.

The signs are there. I’ve read them. Now I just have to obey. Wish me luck and Godspeed in attempting NC… or at least LC, as she’s still my neighbor after all.

~

P.S. – I have disclosed about 90-95% of everything to my SO, which I figure I can address in some other post some time.
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

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Celestialbody
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Celestialbody » Fri Sep 13, 2019 9:48 pm

Wow, what a story! You are a good writer. There is a lot to unpack here. A couple of observations:

1. You are correct that mid-life is fertile ground for LEs. Kids are older, marriage is boring, friendships have grown apart.....couple that with your working at home (lonely) and your wife's adultery, and really, it's just the perfect storm. Ugghhhh....

2. Your neighbour led you on, big time. It was fun for her until it wasn't. She was happy to use you for an ego boost, but it doesn't sound like she felt the same way. She would have confessed if she did when you confessed.

3. Do you worry that they decided to move because of you? Ugghhhh.....

4. Don't beat yourself up about the disclosure. It's natural to tell others how we feel.

5. Look on the bright side. She'll be out of your hair in three months time.

6. I think the bigger issue here is your marriage. Are you happy? Or just in survival mode? Have you considered counseling or divorce?

CB

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Watchmaker
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Sep 13, 2019 9:53 pm

@Celestialbody - thanks so much for your insights!

I hadn't thought much about the working from home loneliness, but in hindsight I guess that was an ingredient too.

I think you're right with your #2 comment. I guess I think of it as more of an ego boost than leading me on, but hey' I'm a guy.

No, they aren't moving because of me... my weirdness with LE panic was just very recent. They're moving since they don't have enough space for their multiple kids and pet anymore :)

About disclosing to LO... it was so vulnerable... an unusual place to be...feels scary and dangerous.
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

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Watchmaker
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:18 pm

CB

WRT #6, "I think the bigger issue here is your marriage. Are you happy? Or just in survival mode? Have you considered counseling or divorce?"

Oh yeah, there's major issues with the marriage (worthy of another thread, methinks). But I'm not the type to consider divorce, but I guess we all have our threshholds and limits. SO and I have been doing some deep dives and I think my LE has been a wakeup call for both of us, so we are genuinely trying to address, repent/forgive, heal and pick up the pieces to move on. DD is still in grade school. SO and I have just signed up for MC. Also pursuing spiritual guidance as well.

I've been in survival mode for years. Like I said, this will be fodder for another post some time :)
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

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Celestialbody
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Celestialbody » Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:22 pm

Loneliness is usually a key ingredient. Whether it's @ your job, in your marriage, whatever.....

Your LO sounds like an attractive woman. She's probably had this problem before with men. This is embarrassing to admit, but I've had this problem myself with male friendships. If there is no attraction on my end, it's easy for me to get close because I find male friendships easy and more fulfilling than female friendships. The problem is that men can develop romantic feelings for me (maybe it's because of my world-class rear too, who knows). Ha. I've had male friends start out normally and then stalk me, phone me, email and text me incessantly, etc. and it gets to a point where you realise (as a woman) that he's got feelings and it's frustrating. Because there goes another friendship! Then you have to send clear signals that you're not interested (which is what she did). It sucks, big time. She likely knew you were having a problem before you even disclosed.

You are having a classic male mid-life crisis. Since your wife is out and about all around town, why don't you set yourself up on a dating site and find someone else too? That will be the quickest way to get over your LO.

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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Cookie » Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:28 pm

Watchmaker wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 8:56 pm
LO said (with a bit lighter sense of humor), “Well don’t get too addicted, because I’m not going to be around too long!”

Really, I just wanted a sense of being able to explain myself, apologize for some things and make amends, and get closure… with the ultimate goal, of just getting my old friendship back with her, and keeping it.
Hi Watchmaker,

Hehe, after reading your story, it's probably good that I don't live in a neighborhood. :)

I can tell by your posts how elevated you feel and that you're still riding the high. I get that. We all do here. The only problem is what comes next.

She isn't going to be around too long -- physically or otherwise. She's already telling you this in a number of different ways, and it sounds as though her SO is more than ready to tell you this in HIS own way.

To your point of "getting your old friendship back with her, and keeping it," I would suggest that now might be a good time to start coming down to earth. Friendship with a former LO is really just a prolonging of the dysfunctional stuff that brought you to this point in the first place. And once the fog clears, maybe ask yourself, what exactly was the friendship anyway?

You sound like woundmates that bonded in the driveway over a nice smile and a ghetto badonkadonk. Or however you put it.

I am lucky -- blessed -- gifted from the Universe that my LO just moved to the other side of the country to be with his GF. We actually did consummate and had a "magical" reciprocal thing. Sounds like the grounds for a lifelong friendship, eh? Nope. We won't speak to each other or see each other again. Ever.

She's giving you the cold shoulder for a reason. LISTEN TO HER. If you truly care for and respect her, you will grant her wish for both of you to leave la la land and return to your normal lives. I'm sorry. I know this is rough.

But it's also a wonderful turning point in figuring out what's missing in you. It's not her.
Last edited by Cookie on Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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JupiterTaco
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:40 pm

Welcome to the forum, Watchmaker!

Like others said, what a story! There's nothing like being uncomfortable with your neighbors, whatever the reason may be. I have enough stories that would take up probably ten different posts about that, either of people interested in me or wanting to fight with me, but I understand. My most recent situation is something that really kind of speaks for the rest anyway, in that it's very difficult to avoid them when one needs to.

This person worked the front desk at my apartment building, (not anymore), was dating the manager at the time, expressed interest in me right after that, also after spending time with me under the guise of friendship and telling me about the other people here that she's dated. I never really trusted her intentions after all of that, plus seeing red flags of narcissism in her (and yes I have plenty in myself :)) ). I am attracted to her, I just don't think we'd be a good match.

First she seemed cool about things, then she seemed mad at me, then I didn't see her for two weeks, and ever since then, I see her almost everywhere. I understand that running into people is going to happen from time to time but we've both lived in this building for three years and I hardly saw her.

Then she was sitting outside one day when I came back from the store she practically chased me into the elevator to tell me she's hardly been around because she's trying to get her degree. Another day, I was going somewhere and she walked in front of my car which was something I had a similar dream of not too long ago, but anyway she didn't acknowledge that she saw me and I didn't say anything. I got stuck at a light. About two blocks up she stops walking and acted like she was messing with her shoe and turns and seems to be looking in the direction of my car and at first I was like what's she doing, and when I realized she was looking at me, the light turned green. For the first time in history, somebody behind me didn't blare their horn to all eternity, they were just going to go around me but I saw the light and started going. =)) :-B So these are but two of the things that have happened but anyway.

So when I started seeing her everywhere, I was worried that she might think I was stalking her and tried my best to mix it up so as to not see her but she's pretty much in and out of this building and everywhere all day long so I think that's why it's so hard to avoid her but it's so awkward.

This whole situation has me so crazy that I actually thought seriously about going back to my former employer and former schedule so as to not see her anymore, but I didn't do that. I have an interview for an entry-level sales position and I'm kind of excited about it. This is stepping out of my comfort zone and this in itself has helped me find something else to focus on.

I'm also trying to get my real estate license but haven't gotten the textbook I ordered yet, I guess it's lost in the mail and that's annoying. I spent most of my life as an underachiever and it doesn't help that I feel like life is mocking me sometimes. I felt I was ready to start moving forward with life before all of this happened and I think it happened to show me that I still have work to do, but I get the whole feeling that life is passing me by and I've done nothing with it. I know why I didn't/couldn't but it doesn't always help.

But it does help to have something else to focus on, whether it be an interest, or inner work or looking at your own relationship or what you honestly want out of life, etc. I hope this helps!
F.E.A.R-Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise

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Watchmaker
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by Watchmaker » Fri Sep 13, 2019 11:00 pm

Guys, I just want to say how cool it is that some of you legendary veteran forum members are commenting on my post! So nice to hear your perspectives!

~

@CB
I guess there will always be relationships that bring up the age old question of, can/should men and women really be just friends?

~

@Cookie
Such words of wisdom. I do indeed need to come to earth. I need to start being more present and available for SO and DD. I need to eat more food regularly again. I am pursuing counseling, ministry, and personal introspection and heavy lifting at this time. I always thought of myself as a decent, well-adjusted mature and responsible adult... this LE thing just kicked my ass!!

"Friendship with a former LO is really just a prolonging of the dysfunctional stuff that brought you to this point in the first place. And once the fog clears, maybe ask yourself, what exactly was the friendship anyway?" - OMG this is deep and intense, and hurts a bit, but I think I need to hear things like this... and muster the correct response :|

OMG, this too! "She's giving you the cold shoulder for a reason. LISTEN TO HER. If you truly care for and respect her, you will grant her wish for both of you to leave la la land and return to your normal lives. I'm sorry. I know this is rough. But it's also a wonderful turning point in figuring out what's missing in you. It's not her."

~

@JT
Very interesting story/situation you have had. I definitely need things to focus on again. I'm a musician and songwriter, and I haven't even picked up my guitar in over 6 months. I'll talk about this in another future post with my catchy title "Dopamine Famine"
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

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LisaTranscending
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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by LisaTranscending » Sat Sep 14, 2019 1:55 am

Watchmaker wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 11:00 pm
the age old question of, can/should men and women really be just friends?
I think only if both are seriously already somehow naturally friends and there's not expectation on either side for anything more than a platonic relationship. then yes, I think it's possible.

interesting story. Just remember limerence is all about distraction from the actual mess that is usually unfolding that one can't emotionally handle that is occurring at a certain point in a person's personal history. the bigger the distraction needs to be, usually the bigger the limerence. If the limerence jostles one's emotions so completely and to the core (sounds like you might have such a case), then the more intense are the things outside of ourselves that we are unwilling to attend to probably are.

p.s. liked your catchy "dopamine famine" and thought how limerence really does uniquely drown us in dopamine to compensate for those inert feelings. I know you are a long way off...but limerence always ends in that same drab place when all is said and done. I had such a bad case of LE that lasted so many years....I believe drab is underrated.

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Re: When LO is Your Neighbor: My Story (part 3 of 3)

Post by L-F » Sat Sep 14, 2019 4:07 am

Write it all out. The sooner one is over writing about LO and getting it out of their system; the sooner one can focus on the personal heavy lifting. Anything else is pure projection.

Good luck and welcome to the madhouse.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

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