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Arranged vs. love marriage

A place to help from being limerent again and how to cope with limerence in future relationships.
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NVTS
Posts: 518
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Arranged vs. love marriage

Post by NVTS » Fri Sep 13, 2019 5:31 pm

Wasn't sure where to post this buuuuuut...........

This is a favorite topic amongst Expats of the South Asian Community. Arranged marriages are still VERY common in them. and there is a de bate about whether they are better than marriages based on "falling in love" or "love marriages" as they are frequently referred to in these debates. Since arranged marriages(AM) are very common to this day the old timers believe that they are superior. The younger generations think that there are merits to both but are more open to love marriages(LM).

Th e old timers argue that the concept of "falling in love" is fallacious. It is by nature ephemeral and at some point the "love" fades or dies and thus we have broken marriages, families, and thereby societies.

The younger generation says that although those things may be true, AM's are not without negative outcomes. AM's tend to have co-dependency as a backbone. My parents are a prime example of this: they stay together out of necessity and guilt. They were married at a very young age and weren’t ready for it.

This is not to say that it never works, as a matter of fact it can work out well when there is good planning and thought.

We had a modern day AM and never really had the butterflies or NRE on my part. Looking back I think it was because I was still limerent for “S”. At this point I realize that neither of us had the emotional maturity or intelligence at the time we made that commitment.
Any Thoughts?
———Please don’t copy———
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

JohnDeux
Posts: 1916
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Arranged vs. love marriage

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:01 pm

Since I don't come from culture with a history of AM except perhaps in rare circumstances, I can only speak as an outsider. I have worked, and still do work, alongside of many who come from cultures of AM, some of whom are in AM and others from those cultures who chose LMs. So my views will only come from what I've observed and read.....yet also must include some jadedness on my part with regard to failed romantic relationships in my life.

I do feel that AMs **may** have an advantage, but only if some cultural or marital notions are accepted or accounted for. I do not feel that AMs in Western culture *generally* would work because Western culture by nature is often very individualistic and non-communal. But I can think of some cultures where having strong communal ties were more important than marital ties: In these cases, I feel AMs might actually work very well since focus not only in helping others, but also in getting self-satisfaction in one's own life, might take some pressure off of the marriage. Again, just my probably warped view, but much of what many seek in marriage is something NOT gotten in childhood,......and then problems will likely arise because childhood wants are being projected into one's adult pair-bond relationship. So maybe as I'm writing this, once again the conclusion being reached is that emerging from childhood with an internal feeling of security and healthy self-love or self-worth would make less relevant whether or not one was in an AM or LM----there would be a better ability to find satisfaction that still retained the marriage contract....if that is the desired focus.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

L-F
Posts: 2652
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Arranged vs. love marriage

Post by L-F » Sat Sep 14, 2019 4:28 am

I'm surrounded by cultures that believe in arranged marriages. They come here (from their country) and sadly, I am seeing the young-ish ones yearning for a love marriage at the same time, wanting to hold onto their arranged marriage — cognitive dissonance in hot pursuit.

I've always taken my hat off to those in arranged marriages because statistically, they have a better chance of survival.

But, when reflecting upon my marriage, I'd say it started as a love-marriage and has ended in an arranged marriage, which is perfect for me! This means we were limerent which burnt out over time, and we have now stepped into a companionate-love built on mutual respect, trust and kindnesses. It is within this that we are finding ourselves falling in love again.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

Bridget
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:18 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Arranged vs. love marriage

Post by Bridget » Sat Sep 14, 2019 4:37 am

This is an interesting question, NVTS, but every marriage I'm familiar with has been non-AM, which doesn't necessarily mean they are LMs. People choose to get married for other reasons (e.g. convenience, following what is expected of them, security, unplanned pregnancy). What I can tell you is that I'm very glad I wasn't in a position where my parents thought they should find a husband for me because they probably would have made really bad choices. No surprise there, though, given that they weren't able to remain in a single marriage for more that 15 years.

L-F
Posts: 2652
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Arranged vs. love marriage

Post by L-F » Sat Sep 14, 2019 9:29 am

Dont fall for the happy ever after........ that's why us suckers are here.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

NVTS
Posts: 518
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: Arranged vs. love marriage

Post by NVTS » Sat Sep 14, 2019 4:10 pm

Thanks for the replies everyone. What I hope for my children is that they are confident in themselves and get married(or not) for the right reasons. Emotional maturity arises from a secure childhood and eventually helps make good lifelong decisions.

Part of my problem is straddling two diametrically opposite cultures. If it weren't for the English language my native culture has almost nothing in common with Western culture(food,clothing,religion,attitudes toward sports and academics). In my native culture only recently has the concept of dating and pre-marital sex come into existence in any significant way. In other Asian cultures although English may not be common they do have dating in their societies in general.

So my parents who were horribly matched IMHO emigrated here and could not (especially my mother) or would not understand or approve of Western romantic concepts. It's ironic that Bollywood pumps out film after film about "forbidden" love and going against family and cultural mores to chase that one "true love". The frequent and rejection from girls all my life had a profound effect on me and is one of the pillars of my Limerent tendencies.

I guess what I always wanted in a wife is actually a "buddy". someone who shares many common interests, hobbies, and whom I can have an intelligent conversation about anything ; and of course great sex ;) . Boy what a fantasy world I grew up in.. sheesh!

------Please don't copy--------
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

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