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When is the line crossed ?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
limewreck
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by limewreck » Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:25 pm

Cookie wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:18 pm
Part of it too of course is that poor early guidance factor that keeps us internally conflicted and guessing: "What am I supposed to do here?"
Agreed, and it doesn't help that there's this whole spread of things that might not be crossing your internal lines, but the lines other people project onto the situation.

This isn't the greatest example, because I'm apparently in the minority, but I never got the memo about how big a deal it is to say "I love you." I could hug my LO and honestly tell her that I love her dearly, without any pain of conscience or hazard of heart. If I did that in front of people, though, some in my friend group would completely flip out... because to them, "I love you" is basically only for families and for when you're about to get engaged.

Then, some of those same people would encourage me to share an activity with LO that is so intimate for me, it would be like trying to cuddle half-naked "as friends." I've had to avoid it at the cost of being thought snobbish.

It's a jungle out there, and snake-pits abound.

Cookie
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by Cookie » Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:16 pm

limewreck wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 4:25 pm
Cookie wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:18 pm
Part of it too of course is that poor early guidance factor that keeps us internally conflicted and guessing: "What am I supposed to do here?"
Agreed, and it doesn't help that there's this whole spread of things that might not be crossing your internal lines, but the lines other people project onto the situation.

This isn't the greatest example, because I'm apparently in the minority, but I never got the memo about how big a deal it is to say "I love you." I could hug my LO and honestly tell her that I love her dearly, without any pain of conscience or hazard of heart. If I did that in front of people, though, some in my friend group would completely flip out... because to them, "I love you" is basically only for families and for when you're about to get engaged.

Then, some of those same people would encourage me to share an activity with LO that is so intimate for me, it would be like trying to cuddle half-naked "as friends." I've had to avoid it at the cost of being thought snobbish.

It's a jungle out there, and snake-pits abound.
Haha! Your examples and analogies here make me smile. And what's wrong with a half-naked friendship cuddle? :)

We were raised with very good social manners and formalities (due to my parents' own upbringing), but the difficulty came with interpersonal boundaries. For example, my mom's brother manipulated and cheated the entire family out of a trust fund by forcing another brother who was sick to sign over his will...yet we were all supposed to sit with the sociopath across the Thanksgiving table and smile and act like it was all okay.

I have A MILLION examples of this kind of BS orchestrated by my mom. My dad got so sick of the boundary issues, he started eating dinner by himself at his computer instead of at "the big table," which all the rest of dreaded.

Anyway, sorry for the "about me" rant. My own moral compass is better than my mom's, and I've had to stand her down on crap related to other friends and relatives. My go-to line with her now is short and sweet: "Sorry, but this is unacceptable."
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LisaTranscending
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by LisaTranscending » Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:12 pm

Cookie wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:16 pm
"Sorry, but this is unacceptable."
mine is: "This is inappropriate." :| (leaving out this much wanted emoji in real life too. L-) )
Cookie wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:18 pm
In the moment of any given situation, ask yourself -- would I feel comfortable doing this if my husband/wife/partner were standing right here?
the only problem with this standard is when limerent, it doesn't work. Because if one isn't limerent the threshold for what you can do with a partner standing near is much more broad. The over analyzing comes into play just because one IS limerent. normal interaction (even flirtations ones) are harmless interactions...except...when the person of your dreams is in the scenario. that is...the only person who gets your juices flowing in the whole entire world and universe of human beings...is standing next to you.

Hopeless Lomantic
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:35 pm

I do have the rare experience of when LO and SO were in the same room...internally I made sure to avoid unnecessary contacts or act like we are close with LO so as not to arouse the suspicions of SO in case my body language gives me away ...

Today I was on a call with LO ( half discussing about work) when SO called.. I chose to ignore SO incoming call and continued the conversation w LO .. isnt this a clear sign that I am still limerent AF..

Cookie
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by Cookie » Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:40 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:12 pm
Cookie wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:18 pm
In the moment of any given situation, ask yourself -- would I feel comfortable doing this if my husband/wife/partner were standing right here?
the only problem with this standard is when limerent, it doesn't work. Because if one isn't limerent the threshold for what you can do with a partner standing near is much more broad. The over analyzing comes into play just because one IS limerent. normal interaction (even flirtations ones) are harmless interactions...except...when the person of your dreams is in the scenario. that is...the only person who gets your juices flowing in the whole entire world and universe of human beings...is standing next to you.
Oh, okay -- I'm not sure if you mean in practice or theory. I was referring to it theoretically (without the SO actually present).

Anyway, it may not be this way for everyone, but I could feel it in my gut every time that "SO would not like this interaction." My instincts were right -- I was just compartmentalizing things. I guess it may be different too for a serial limerent. I knew those behaviors with other men were inappropriate, but I was seduced and then slipped so easily into the fog. Oddly, I did not like several of my LOs at first and wouldn't give them the time of day. But they had studied me and learned to say just the right things. What a great lesson in boundaries being worn down. Ugh.

I think if SO had ever met my LOs, the chances of me hooking up with them would have been next to zero.
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L-F
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by L-F » Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:57 pm

I think what Lisa is saying is that you can look back on it in hindsight but not necessarily when deep in the fog.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

Cookie
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by Cookie » Tue Sep 10, 2019 7:22 pm

L-F wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 6:57 pm
I think what Lisa is saying is that you can look back on it in hindsight but not necessarily when deep in the fog.
Oh, okay. I gotcha. Thanks!

Yes, it probably is good that SO was never around to see me act like a complete idiot. Or a total ho. :(
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AnnieKaye9924
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:23 am

Everyone has made great points. Objectively, I do not think either one of those things is “crossing a line.” Especially not the first one. The second one is closer to the line, but maybe you were trying to be the first to wish her happy birthday. Did she respond? Was there any chatting after midnight?

If I were your SO the call dismissal is way worse. It would break my heart.

So lines are definitely being crossed internally, and this is what matters, not if others notice.

limewreck
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by limewreck » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:00 pm

Cookie wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:16 pm
And what's wrong with a half-naked friendship cuddle? :)
I'm sure your comment was tongue-in-cheek, but in some ways it illuminates the point.

Intimacy between potential partners has a path it wants to take. I see that as beginning with mutual attraction and ending with enduring commitment, with various emotional, social, and physical milestones along the way. Where there's love of any type, there's always a tendency to move toward greater intimacy - love has been described aptly as the motivating force to unity.

Obviously, potential partners don't always go very far down that road. There are barriers, comfortable stopping points, and exit ramps all along the way, but there are also oil slicks. Where those features are depend on who the people are and what the situation is.

Verbal expressions of affection are a comfortable stopping point for me. I can say and hear "I love you" without wanting to have babies together. For some people, that's an oil slick.

I don't, at this point, struggle in my LE with wanting romance and sex with my LO. I don't imagine either thing more than I would with any passing attractive woman. The limerent aspect is more of an obsessive rescue fantasy. But if LO were to stumble into my living room late some evening when I was alone, knowing I cared and wanting me to just hold her a while... well, that would be my oil slick. So for me, that's what's wrong with a friendship cuddle, half-naked or otherwise. ;)

Hopeless Lomantic
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Re: When is the line crossed ?

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Thu Sep 12, 2019 2:17 pm

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:23 am
Everyone has made great points. Objectively, I do not think either one of those things is “crossing a line.” Especially not the first one. The second one is closer to the line, but maybe you were trying to be the first to wish her happy birthday. Did she respond? Was there any chatting after midnight?

If I were your SO the call dismissal is way worse. It would break my heart.

So lines are definitely being crossed internally, and this is what matters, not if others notice.
Yes she responded and we exchanged a few texts but that's about it..

The purpose of this thread is also to remind myself to be conscious and not give the game away through any abnormal actions.. I do not want her to know that I am crazy about her surely..

Yes the call dismissal is shitty but that was such a knee jerk reaction that upon reflecting, it somewhat shows who is more important to me .. there is a definite sense of guilt but if the same scenario happens I think i will still finish my call with LO before returning the call to SO.

What would u guys do ?

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