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Update

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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marko
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Update

Post by marko » Fri Sep 06, 2019 3:58 pm

Really still sorting all the in and outs of the journey. The latest LO that brought me here just had a birthday and will be married next month. I can stay nc and my Le barely exists. When things become less overwhelming, it's easier to sort out this mess. I'm bummed that the other side is not good either . I became Le as my self isn't well.

I'm sorting why I feel abandoned and am so needy for attention. The inner voice is always sad mixed and polluted with anxiety and depression. The Removal of Le just returns you there. I see latching on to extremely positive moments, trying to support myself with them, and then lamenting over tears of pain that it's all gone. Ruminating those moments endlessly as where else does one go. This also takes a lot of projection and what ifs in order to keep it going. It sees no way past that.

The pit is really that you find you've self medicated through most of life's relationships in the same way. I find trying to self heal through them has uncovered my controlling ways. Like the LO, you need them where and when you want them--often seen in jealousy. Now I'm jealous over my sons time as an example. Just the concept of motivation has become a struggle as I see that desperate search for approval is my only motivation. Sure there's is also being a dad and provider, but I was quite willing to abandon that for the LO. One becomes smothering and controlling (for me it's mostly internal), but I feel crushed when these relationships grow beyond me.

Last night I pouted as my son had no time for me. As school just started my anxiety and depression has been really high--seems unwarranted, so I search for clues. Thought to distract by seeing what the LO is up to, watched about 10 seconds of a FB vid she did modeling a current clothing trend. Wow did I project a lot into her flirtatious nature. She's still ugly and gorgeous all in the same breath.

I'm sure this all sounds preposterous to those LE. I know le temporarily cured it all and I thought I found the perfect me--finally the perfect other I was going to spend the rest of my days with. I just wanted to be stellar, finding the opposite hasn't been a treat :D I wonder as well as to what comes first. Does discovery become depression, or in depression do I discover stuff tainted by depression. Then I think ,what a dumb time to self analyze. Oh well, on I go.

Cookie
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Re: Update

Post by Cookie » Fri Sep 06, 2019 5:07 pm

Hi Marko,

You’re sounding brave and wise in this struggle, although I’m sure you don’t feel that way inside.

Jealousy. I never realized how jealous I was until the recent LO, and I’m thinking it’s just a manifestation of the abandonment fear and need for attention. If people are having and doing other things, there’s no room for us.

You talk about the blahs and depression that follow LE, and as you’ve unraveled here, part of that is realizing that it’s NOT a big mystery anymore, other than perhaps to find the original root. And then when you do, the emptiness in knowing you can’t really repair it confirms our suspicions that we are somewhat hollow.

My only solace has been in starting to see this as a disability. It’s never cured, but we find workarounds and coping mechanisms. We learn to smile in pictures and enjoy events, hoping to avoid the inevitable question, “How are you?”

But there’s a great relief that comes in accepting that the bleak stuff is just part of us. I never promised anyone anything in this life, and I’m learning to expect the same in return.
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marko
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Re: Update

Post by marko » Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:59 pm

Cookie wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 5:07 pm
Hi Marko,

You’re sounding brave and wise in this struggle, although I’m sure you don’t feel that way inside.

Jealousy. I never realized how jealous I was until the recent LO, and I’m thinking it’s just a manifestation of the abandonment fear and need for attention. If people are having and doing other things, there’s no room for us.

You talk about the blahs and depression that follow LE, and as you’ve unraveled here, part of that is realizing that it’s NOT a big mystery anymore, other than perhaps to find the original root. And then when you do, the emptiness in knowing you can’t really repair it confirms our suspicions that we are somewhat hollow.

My only solace has been in starting to see this as a disability. It’s never cured, but we find workarounds and coping mechanisms. We learn to smile in pictures and enjoy events, hoping to avoid the inevitable question, “How are you?”

But there’s a great relief that comes in accepting that the bleak stuff is just part of us. I never promised anyone anything in this life, and I’m learning to expect the same in return.
So I wonder over the difference between those who find their back, vs. finding what you speak of. I think those who find well, had a limerent experience vs. deep seeded pathology--or are better self liars ;) . I wonder how many here are also predominantly abstract thinkers. I can have fun vs., what is fun and how can I enjoy that concept. I can see also those past this not understanding the never cured.

Cookie
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Re: Update

Post by Cookie » Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:59 pm

marko wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:59 pm
So I wonder over the difference between those who find their back, vs. finding what you speak of. I think those who find well, had a limerent experience vs. deep seeded pathology--or are better self liars ;) . I wonder how many here are also predominantly abstract thinkers. I can have fun vs., what is fun and how can I enjoy that concept. I can see also those past this not understanding the never cured.
Okay, now we're speaking in truths. :)

Some of us will not be "cured" of these feelings. I'm okay with that.

It's good that I saved my childhood diary to put the mystery to rest whenever I am in doubt. Infatuated with the abyss.

And we can cure ourselves of the "affairs" by sheer force of will. We turn the switch on and off.

Maybe there's just nowhere else to go with this.
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marko
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Re: Update

Post by marko » Fri Sep 13, 2019 5:42 pm

Cookie wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:59 pm
marko wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:59 pm
So I wonder over the difference between those who find their back, vs. finding what you speak of. I think those who find well, had a limerent experience vs. deep seeded pathology--or are better self liars ;) . I wonder how many here are also predominantly abstract thinkers. I can have fun vs., what is fun and how can I enjoy that concept. I can see also those past this not understanding the never cured.
Okay, now we're speaking in truths. :)

Some of us will not be "cured" of these feelings. I'm okay with that.

It's good that I saved my childhood diary to put the mystery to rest whenever I am in doubt. Infatuated with the abyss.

And we can cure ourselves of the "affairs" by sheer force of will. We turn the switch on and off.

Maybe there's just nowhere else to go with this.
I would say now I have the choice to some degree as I know what it is that I'm doing. I think the early pattern of daydreaming to feel better became the problem, but only after you escape do you recognize what's going on--if you understand why you mentally obsess to create the mental rush that feels good.

I see myself in 1983 lost in a sad feeling and this angel of a girl swept me away. I joined the army on a delayed program so we fell in love--but in my mind a more obsessive way. When I left, we went our own way, but I never let go. So sad for two years, playing all the obsessive LE games in my mind, the thought of only her. Then I thought physically and mentally to make myself the best thing on the planet so I'd be irresistible upon my return. Each of these things a mental physical combination somewhat addictive in its own way. The soothing of thought and body to heal the pain and bring back the past. I couldn't stop any of it as it also made me a better person, I couldn't possibly see it wasn't mentally unhealthy and that I was so involved in a youthful infatuation gone overboard. Hollywood never helped in this. The Hallmark romantic guy gets the girl story never ended. I found some ancient letters and still turned over the what if and then asked myself why it's so hard to get past things. With the process in place I see my last LE only in the light now. How can't I obsess over things, it happens before the brakes go on, or you live in the dull dreary brakes on all the time mode enjoying nothing. Balance is hard to establish in this.

Idiotic
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Re: Update

Post by Idiotic » Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:33 pm

An airhostess smiled 'extra' at me on a flight recently ( she smiled with her lips when talking to the dudes sitting next to me, but smiled with her whole face when she smiled at me) , and I was trying to catch her eye during the whole flight and when getting off from the plane. But at the same time, I was like Wtf is wrong with you !!
Progress.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Bridget
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Re: Update

Post by Bridget » Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:01 pm

Marko, our efforts to escape pain become destructive when they are too successful. We come to believe we can’t survive the pain and become dependent on our escape mechanisms. Those of us with vibrant imaginations have the means to create rich fantasy lives that can feel very real. We don’t need virtual reality devices because we already have that in our brains.

My rich imagination helped me escape the pain of a traumatic childhood, but my last LE finally brought home to me that my fantasizing had become a destructive force in my life. Ruminating on my interactions with LO and imagining different outcomes and possible futures with him prevented me from facing problems with my marriage that were related to childhood wounds. I didn’t even realize I was unhappy in my marriage until my obsession with my LO became so out of control that I had no choice but to face the pain and sadness of my real life.

Your thoughts on control resonate with me a lot. One of my realizations over the past 9 years of trying to get over my LO is that fantasy relationships are so terribly tempting because we are in COMPLETE control of them! They can be perfect relationships with no irritants or obstacles other than those we allow to make the experience more pleasurable. Real life is almost the opposite. Very little is in our control, especially if we truly love others and avoid manipulating them. Real relationships are so flipping scary and difficult, and when we’ve been living in our fantasies for a long time, they hardly seem worth the effort and vulnerability.

I eventually came to the point where I had to choose between the real world and real relationships or the imaginary kind, because I’d lost the ability to balance the two (thanks to compulsive thoughts of LO). I’d like to say I chose reality for principled or grand reasons, but it was really because I knew from years of experience that my fantasies and ruminations about LO would NEVER be enough for me. I would always painfully yearn to be with him in the flesh and be driven to make the fantasy real, which of course could never happen because I can’t control what is real. That sounded like a life of misery.

Depression is what we all face when trying to break the hold our LEs have over us. It’s real grief, and it’s chemical withdrawal, it’s loss of purpose, and under neath all of that, there is often deep, buried pain that we have spent years/decades trying to avoid. So of course we experience depression. But depression lies. It tells us we’ll never be happy again, that we’re pathetic fucks that are doomed, and it makes everything beautiful seem meaningless, and tells us that we can’t make things better, and so on. But those are lies, lies, lies.

What is true is that real life will never be as perfect as our virtual ones are and that there are pleasures in the real world that surpass any experiences we can create in our heads. What is true is that real life can be devastating and that connecting with other flawed, complicated, and unpredictable humans can help us heal from our trauma. But we have to face our discomfort and pain to see the full truth; that is the only way.

It’s been 10 years since I started developing feelings for my last LO. I’m mostly over him now but I will always have feelings for him and a sadness that I can’t be close to him in some way. I’m also still prone to LEs and probably always will be. Even now I’m actively monitoring and managing my boundaries in a work relationship that began sliding down the slippery LE slope a few years ago, and I’m sometimes pissed that any desire I have to be friends with a man is apparently the warning sign of an LE. I may have deep-seated problems and my life is not all rosy, but there is a lot of beauty in it. And I’m actively cultivating my ability to see the beauty through meditation and mindfulness practices, and I’m shaping my life to be more like I want it to be to the extent that I can. I still work on creating and nurturing real relationships, including my marriage, but it gets easier as I learn to self-soothe my pain in healthy ways and trust that I can survive any heartbreak.

Am I deceiving myself? I can understand why you might wonder that, but I’m confident that the peace and joy I experience now are as real as anything can be, and certainly more real and grounded than my LE or depression and anxiety were! It took a lot of hard work, courage, and time to get where I am, but it has been worth it.

I didn’t intend to write such a long post and I hope I don’t come off as preachy. I remember confusion, sadnesss, hopelessness, and despair. I remember when letting go of my beliefs about LO and our relationship felt like resigning myself to a living death. I don’t want anyone to think that they have to stay stuck there.

I wish you luck and healthy hope, Marko.

Spinnaker
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Re: Update

Post by Spinnaker » Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:18 pm

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Sat Sep 14, 2019 9:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
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Angel
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Re: Update

Post by Angel » Sat Sep 14, 2019 7:20 pm

Bridget wrote:
Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:01 pm
What is true is that real life will never be as perfect as our virtual ones are and that there are pleasures in the real world that surpass any experiences we can create in our heads. What is true is that real life can be devastating and that connecting with other flawed, complicated, and unpredictable humans can help us heal from our trauma. But we have to face our discomfort and pain to see the full truth; that is the only way.

It’s been 10 years since I started developing feelings for my last LO. I’m mostly over him now but I will always have feelings for him and a sadness that I can’t be close to him in some way. I’m also still prone to LEs and probably always will be. Even now I’m actively monitoring and managing my boundaries in a work relationship that began sliding down the slippery LE slope a few years ago, and I’m sometimes pissed that any desire I have to be friends with a man is apparently the warning sign of an LE. I may have deep-seated problems and my life is not all rosy, but there is a lot of beauty in it. And I’m actively cultivating my ability to see the beauty through meditation and mindfulness practices, and I’m shaping my life to be more like I want it to be to the extent that I can. I still work on creating and nurturing real relationships, including my marriage, but it gets easier as I learn to self-soothe my pain in healthy ways and trust that I can survive any heartbreak.

Am I deceiving myself? I can understand why you might wonder that, but I’m confident that the peace and joy I experience now are as real as anything can be, and certainly more real and grounded than my LE or depression and anxiety were! It took a lot of hard work, courage, and time to get where I am, but it has been worth it.

I didn’t intend to write such a long post and I hope I don’t come off as preachy. I remember confusion, sadnesss, hopelessness, and despair. I remember when letting go of my beliefs about LO and our relationship felt like resigning myself to a living death. I don’t want anyone to think that they have to stay stuck there.

I wish you luck and healthy hope, Marko.
Wow, Bridget, what an amazing articulation of the process we have to go through. You know from my own thread what I’m facing right now, and this really gives me good forward-thinking perspective. I look forward to a time that I can embrace that peace and joy that you now have.

JohnDeux
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Re: Update

Post by JohnDeux » Sun Sep 15, 2019 1:21 am

Excellent long post, Bridget, and a lot of positivity that is encouraging to those who as you rightly describe have ‘overachieving’ imaginations. Without being able to reach for the bottle of fantasy when it comes to our relationships,we are compelled to finally address or embrace those already before us. I think I’ve had more squabbles and sometimes fights with my SO this past year than in the previous 30+ years together...but that’s because avoidance coupled with escapism became my means of coping for all those years, replicating well how I escaped emotionally from my parent’s fighting and other FOO problems years before that. Today, the periods of discord with SO are painful, but real...and I’m finally starting this late in the game to deal with the situation without being just a bystander.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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