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Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Does disclosure to our Limerent/Love Object help?
daydreamer
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by daydreamer » Thu Aug 15, 2019 8:10 pm

Patti, does the below ring a bell?
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away.

Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”
that may also answer David's question. maybe that Anxious Preoccupied Attachment is explaining why we feel compelled to disclose?
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

NVTS
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Fiji

Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by NVTS » Thu Aug 15, 2019 8:54 pm

\m/
Last edited by NVTS on Sat Aug 17, 2019 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

Pattihopeful
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Aug 15, 2019 10:01 pm

Yes, DD that desribes me to a T. I am going to look into this more. Does that desribe you as well?

NVST, your LO sounds like a wonderful, caring person!

daydreamer
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by daydreamer » Thu Aug 15, 2019 10:23 pm

Yes Patti, i have the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

L-F
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by L-F » Fri Aug 16, 2019 4:17 am

Well I won't tell you what I asked for =))

Iddy and Spin know and of course LO... boy was I nutcase or what! Actually, come to think I think you asked for the same thing David! :))
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:20 am

L-F wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 4:17 am
Well I won't tell you what I asked for =))

Iddy and Spin know and of course LO... boy was I nutcase or what! Actually, come to think I think you asked for the same thing David! :))
What a tease, now I’m dying to know!! 😂

In response to the question, LO disclosed first, but I thought about it for a long time. I wanted affirmation that this person “saw me” as a sexual person and not just a platonic friend. I would have been devastated if he was completely unaffected by me since I had put so much energy into being exactly who I thought he would be attracted to. 🙄

Then he disclosed but just knowing he was attracted was not enough. Nothing he could do will be enough because it is about me, not him.

daydreamer
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by daydreamer » Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:30 am

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:20 am
What a tease, now I’m dying to know!! 😂
+1
AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:20 am
I wanted affirmation that this person “saw me” as a sexual person and not just a platonic friend. I would have been devastated if he was completely unaffected by me since I had put so much energy into being exactly who I thought he would be attracted to. 🙄
you're a dangerous woman, you know that, right?
Last edited by daydreamer on Fri Aug 16, 2019 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

JohnDeux
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Aug 16, 2019 5:55 pm

Perhaps it’s over-reach, but I’m constantly trying to find childhood correlates for our deepest, most intense motivations in an LE. The urge to disclose to LO is such a strong feature in so many LEs that I feel this urge to have some deeper hidden meaning. Dovetailing on the ‘anxious preoccupied attachment’ descriptor that DD noted, a condition that begins in childhood usually induced by great uncertainty about the intentions and degree of love that our caregivers hold for us, I’m wondering how the urge to disclose to an LO may have a parallel with a very child-like worry---“I have these feelings…needs, really….about our relationship. I *need* to know if you love me or care for me…”. It’s important to note here that these feelings as child are swirling about as our very young emotional systems are still in development….in other words, our “emotional intelligence” is still very much in infancy and is still developing, hence how to deal with those emotions and urges “to know” are likely quite confusing and are balanced with our need at that age to not rock the boat….not to irritate our caregivers to a point where it places our own infant/child lives in jeopardy.

Fast forward to our urge to disclose to LO….rightfully pegged as a ‘hope’ to consummate and in some cases merge with the LO….and I start to muse to what extent we are replaying that old “Don’t you love me?” script all over again. The fact that so many limerents feel devastated and empty (for days….for months….for years?) after either rejection or emotional starvation by their LOs, with or without disclosure or reciprocation, may be due to the possibility that it was never (or at least less) about LO’s reciprocation and more about this unresolved question vis-à-vis our caregivers. Because we really don’t *need* LO in the same way that we *needed* our caregivers. Yet our *adult* emotional selves are compelled to disclose….to “get the answer”….to a question that our infant/child emotional selves for myriad reasons could never flat out ask of our caregivers—“I’m feeling love/attachment to you yet I’m getting mixed messages from you….I *need* to know--don’t you love me?”. This likely is overly simplistic, but certainly resonates with my own childhood and adult (limerent) experience and may for others as well.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

L-F
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by L-F » Fri Aug 16, 2019 8:11 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 5:55 pm
Fast forward to our urge to disclose to LO….rightfully pegged as a ‘hope’ to consummate and in some cases merge with the LO….and I start to muse to what extent we are replaying that old “Don’t you love me?” script all over again. The fact that so many limerents feel devastated and empty (for days….for months….for years?) after either rejection or emotional starvation by their LOs, with or without disclosure or reciprocation, may be due to the possibility that it was never (or at least less) about LO’s reciprocation and more about this unresolved question vis-à-vis our caregivers. Because we really don’t *need* LO in the same way that we *needed* our caregivers. Yet our *adult* emotional selves are compelled to disclose….to “get the answer”….to a question that our infant/child emotional selves for myriad reasons could never flat out ask of our caregivers—“I’m feeling love/attachment to you yet I’m getting mixed messages from you….I *need* to know--don’t you love me?”. This likely is overly simplistic, but certainly resonates with my own childhood and adult (limerent) experience and may for others as well.
This resonates with me given my current situation with my parents. I do indeed "know" now, which is enormous in terms of my thoughts regarding LO. It's as if it has driven a wedge between us (not literally since I have nothing to do with her). I no longer need to know anything relating to limerence or LOs feelings - if she too felt what I felt, etc. But this has only occurred 'since' I discovered my parents love language. I can read them better. Thus I know.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

daydreamer
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Re: Is Disclosure a desire to consumate?

Post by daydreamer » Fri Aug 16, 2019 10:44 pm

JD, i agree with you 100%. we learn that emotional "intelligence" while in early childhood and that registers in our early memory that is emotional memory, subconscious memory, not available for a playback, but available for being triggered. when triggered, we replay those early, dysfunctional emotional responses and they seem irresistible (because they are subconscious). another strong tendency i noticed in myself is pleasing. it's a powerful urge to please the person to "bribe" for a good treatment. i guess it's worked very well for our conditionally loving parents and we do it now automatically. i'll go further here, maybe the disclosure is the ultimate act of pleasing?
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

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