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Well, I have been reading this website and its open forum for the past few days and I decided to tell you my story. I would really appreciate to hear your thoughts on my twisted experience.
In 2016 (yep, this is a long lasting delirium) I was invited to work on a project with other colleagues for the next six months. It was a project of my research unit so I already knew many of them, but there was this guy, to whom I had never payed much attention besides his intellectual work, to be honest, that really turned my mind and feelings upside down. It all started with a (beautiful and spectacular) smile from him when he saw me arriving to one of the first reasearch meetings (I can't forget that smile.) We stayed in the same group, worked very well together, leading the group, and had great sympathy for each other. The job required us to work together from home, so we used the email a lot, but quickly switched to social chat and to conversations that were beyond work (nothing special, political things and music, mostly, just like two friends). He complemented me, and my intellectual work, a lot. I did reciprocate, of course, but by that time I wasn't aware that it was a crush. I didn't feel it that way. But the six months passed and the talking kept going (always by chat because we lived in different towns).
Then, one day I had a work appointment in his town. Told him to meet me so we could see each other and finally have a chat in person. It was then that I knew something wasn't right with me. He took me to a nice local restaurant, ordered a fine meal, white wine, lovely deserts... But I had only asked him to meet me before my appointment so we could have time to chat a bit and eat something quickly. I wasn't expecting the romantic scenario (I understood it that way), so I just freezed all the time. He talked a lot about him, his professional past and future projects, his personal life, and I felt completely weird. I was loving to listen to him, but my mind was blocked, kept in a spiral of excitement, doubt and insecurity. As usually, he was always polite, friendly, and nothing was said that could suggest a romantic interest from him. So I decided that the lovely lunch scenario had just been that, a polite gesture.
Well, the story is long and full of infatuated nothings that I wouldn't ask you to read. He then moved to another country, and I felt really sad. Of course I was happy for him, it was a good professional opportunity, but I was sad because he left. But the chating, complements, mutual work invitations, kept going. The most recent developments are huge for me, as they involve a great work opportunity that he has once suggested me. Quickly putting it, he basically told me to apply when the job opportunity would open because he knew the research unit and the team and was confident that I was the right person. Months later, when it finally opened, I applied and won the position. Told him (he didn't knew it had already open and that I had applied) and we talked, again, for hours about it, our personal stuff, exchanged last favourite albuns and singles, the complements again, etc, etc. . But then, two weeks ago, he came to our country on vacation. Told me to tell him if I visited the town where he was staying, which I did, and he never answered me back. I didn´t see him, which, again, made me feel sad, insecure and stupid.
I really hate this situation. The thing is that I am in a relationship, always have been, and I really abominate the way this guy makes me feel. My boyfriend and I have this great way of sharing our lives together. Our relationship is friendly, passionate and free of jealously and possessive behaviors. And I just do not understand why this guy, that I do not see for years, with whom I never had nothing but great talks and great work together, is affecting my mind so much. Everytime he talks to me I feel like this stupid brainless little girl. When the talk ceases for a while (sometime months) I feel sad, insecure, despising myself believing that I had said something stupid. After a while of not talking, I restart gaining my confident, but then something comes up that makes us talk to each other, and the rollercoster starts again.
The thing that worries me most is that now, in my new position, I will be certainly working with him more often because he keeps work relations with the director. I cannot decline this opportunity, because it has really good employment conditions, and I won the position by merit, but he is also haunting this new opportunity in my life. I am affraid that this limerence thing (discovered the term last week) never ends if I have to work with him more often. I know that I should cut the contact, but it is difficult if we keep working together. How do I get rid of these feelings? I do not want to disclosure anything (too proud to do it, actually, and also too respectful of my boyfriend to do something like that to him). So, If the NC thing is not really an option (I know for sure we will be in contact because of work), how do I get rid of this, for god's sake?
(Sorry the lond post, and for my english, It is not my native language)
The new job means we have to move to another town. It is not a problem. Actually, it is a very good thing for us, for our professional and finantial life together. My boyfriend is extremely happy for me and for himself too, as he is being transfered to the company headquarters, where he has more career opportunities. And we have talked about the application, and the impact it would have in our lives, before I applied I would't have done the application without talking to him, precisely because it affects his life too. It was a deliberated decision we made together.
Try to think of the bad qualities of your LO. You are doing much better than I by deleting your Facebook.
Hope others more experienced with dealing with limerence can give you further advice.
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- Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2019 1:09 pm
I hope I can manage this. Right now, I am feeling lost. I am even wondering if taking this job is the right thing to do. I keep asking my boyfriend this same question, and he doesn't understand why I am having these doubts and keeps remindind me how great this opportunity is. But I am feeling so overwhelmed that I am tempted to quit, which somehow shows how deeply this is affecting my life.
I will stick to my plan, try to control my intrusive thoughts, and definitely avoid everything that reminds me of this person. Hopefully, It will get better.
I hope you can manage you Limerence too. Be strong.
- Posts: 109
- Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
- Age: 67
That is actually great advice in general, for so many reasons.Guest wrote: ↑Mon Aug 12, 2019 6:38 pmWhenever you are feeling down about LO go to the gym. Run on the treadmill for as long as you can and work the weights machines. It has helped me a little to just get so physically tired that my brain has no choice but to concentrate on trying to breath and thinking how much my muscles are burning.
Unfortunately for me, that's where I see my LO, and she's looks really great in her yoga pants. ;)
In LE with married LO
I need to just keep internalizing these thoughts .." she doesn't give a shit about u , these are her normal behaviour and don't think u are any different "
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