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Starting NC

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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Bettyboo
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bettyboo » Fri Sep 13, 2019 2:16 pm

Hi Angel - I was wondering how you’re doing today?

Angel
Posts: 157
Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:52 pm
United States of America

Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:13 pm

Bettyboo wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 2:16 pm
Hi Angel - I was wondering how you’re doing today?
Thanks for checking in Bettyboo. I broke NC again...I just can’t stay away. I had him blocked, but unblocked one day this week after a really bad night, not intending to message, but he messaged. I asked him how he knew I unblocked him, and he said he’s been sending a message every day even though he was blocked.

Anyway, we are trying LC right now and have discussed and agreed to some clear boundaries about our interaction. It’s been so painful hanging onto NC. My own personal life is such a big emotional mess now. SO cheated on me and had a PA some years ago, I’m devastated as more details come out, and I’m just too exhausted to keep trying to get over this LE. I am just keeping my head above water as I cycle through this grief, pain and anger. I don’t even feel like I can legitimately have those feelings, because it was a mutual betrayal.

Bridget
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bridget » Sat Sep 14, 2019 3:32 am

Angel, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. Didn't realize your SO had a PA in the past. That must make it so much harder to find the will to go NC. Good luck.

Bettyboo
Posts: 94
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Gender:
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bettyboo » Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:41 am

Oh Angel, sending a hug to you.

NC is so hard to maintain when there are feelings on both sides. That’s why I find it so hard to bring myself to even start it. It would feel like I was losing my best friend and after so many years of texting, a huge habit to break. Even though he’s 100’s of miles away he’s ingrained in my everyday life. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there isn’t it!

I hadn’t realised your SO had an affair. Do you think part of this might be subconsciously feeding your LE?

LC is difficult but hopefully with boundaries in place it will work for you. At least you know you feel the same about each other. That might help you feel secure in the friendship. Does SO know you’re back in contact?

I’m never sure how mine feels, but the way he acts in terms of texts, the little things he says and his reactions when I try to end it, suggests to me he feels the same.

Angel
Posts: 157
Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:52 pm
United States of America

Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Sat Sep 14, 2019 8:25 am

Thanks so much Bridget and BB,

I really appreciate you reaching out and your empathy. I haven’t been on here as much since I’m spending more time on a forum about saving my marriage after infidelity.
Bettyboo wrote:
Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:41 am
I hadn’t realised your SO had an affair. Do you think part of this might be subconsciously feeding your LE?

LC is difficult but hopefully with boundaries in place it will work for you. At least you know you feel the same about each other. That might help you feel secure in the friendship. Does SO know you’re back in contact?
I found out about my SO affair pretty recently, and I have been carrying around for a few weeks, so it has paralleled my break up with LO. That was the bigger trauma I was trying to work through at first, and now dealing more with my SO. I haven’t written about it here until now since acknowledging it seemed to make it more real. Stages of grief perhaps? I’ve definitely gone through the anger and denial stage. When I had told him about my limerent EA, and he seemed so unresponsive, it all came out with a bit of digging. I think I’m more hurt by the fact that he may never have told me, but the circumstances around it has been deeply painful (close family friend, ~20 years younger than me). It is over, she stopped it, and then he was limerent for her for years and has only recently gotten over it. So at least in regards to the limerence part, SO fully understands. He knows I’m still grieving the loss of LO. It took him 3-4 years to get over her.

I have not told SO that I am back in contact. That was very recent (only a couple days ago) because I was feeling so badly. You are right, I just needed something to feel secure about. Even though we talk about limerence being a facade and an illusion, at least my LO has been friends with me for years and I know he cares. I have spiralled into a depression, so no more highs, not even if I hear from LO.... just varying degrees of low.

I’m glad I have a therapist to work through all these issues.

*Please do not copy*. Is there a way to delete a whole thread???
Last edited by Angel on Sat Sep 14, 2019 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Bettyboo
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Starting NC

Post by Bettyboo » Sat Sep 14, 2019 9:38 am

Oh wow.. you’re going through such a lot. I hope things get easier for you soon. xx

Bridget
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:18 am
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bridget » Sat Sep 14, 2019 3:40 pm

No one can begrudge you for turning to a friend right now. Hugs to you as you adjust to this new version of reality. I hope that you and SO can help each other heal.

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