Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

Help me understand my ex-colleague

Discuss your experiences about narcissism and relationships with narcissists here.
Post Reply
L-F
Posts: 2445
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Help me understand my ex-colleague

Post by L-F » Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:26 pm

I know of a person who was/is attracted to two Narcs in their life. I now see they have put their relationship status as 'it's complicated'

When working with this person, they were adamant they had a PhD in Narcissism and had years of therapy going over parental emotional abuse given their mother's narc qualities. They knew everything there was to know, even hoovering. And I mean everything. In their mind, they were scarred yet healed, perfect.

However. They also went back to their ex-narc-partner KNOWING they were a narc and KNOWING all the ins and outs of this infliction. Knowing their relationship would eventually crumble just as they had expected and experienced many times before and each time they would swear they would never go back.

To make matter worse there were two ex-narc-lovers in their life that they bounced between, and sometimes making one jealous on purpose when hooking up with the other. So you'd think this person would be doubly aware.

I don't understand it?

The only thing they wouldn't do was look in the mirror. Period. It was ALWAYS about their mother, lover, ex-partner, etc etc. I explained about OOTF website and they brushed it off as if there was nothing they needed to learn. As soon as I mentioned what fleas were they hit the roof! Raging that THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!!! IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE ARSEHOLES.

And yet, this person kept going back for more punishment. They were aware that it was a punishment but mention anything about them possibly being a masochist WAS OUT OF THIS WORLD! lol.. boy did they react strongly to anything that related to the self. Day after day I soon got sick of the bitching and moaning about other people when they came in which irritated me because it took up my valuable work time, and secondly, I couldn't get thru that perhaps it was about awareness or ego or something? Then they would jump on whatever word I used and say "Oh yeah, they have a BIG ego" or "Yep, they are definitely unaware!"

*le sigh* (-|

I just don't get it. Why would a person involve themselves with a narcissist knowing full well what they are getting themselves into and knowing the tricks narcs play? I simply don't get it.

Is it that they are addicted to drama?
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

daydreamer
Posts: 697
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Help me understand my ex-colleague

Post by daydreamer » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:33 am

L-F wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:26 pm

I just don't get it. Why would a person involve themselves with a narcissist knowing full well what they are getting themselves into and knowing the tricks narcs play? I simply don't get it.

Is it that they are addicted to drama?
yes! humans don't think and behave logically and rationally. our brains and not digital computers operating on strict logic. we are not "Vulcans." our brains are analog machines optimized by the evolution to operate our bodies to thrive, avoid danger, and procreate. hence we act mostly based on our emotions. if our emotions are screwed (and they can be, as we all know well, for a few reasons), our behavior will be illogical too.
our limerence is in our emotions too, and it makes us act crazy, sometimes crazier than the example you provided above.

L-F
Posts: 2445
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Help me understand my ex-colleague

Post by L-F » Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:07 am

I understand if someone doesn't know you know? They are captivated by the narc spell. And the thing is, for this person, it's not limerence. That's the part which I think confuses me more. They are not under the limerence spell. Or perhaps they are and choose to go under the limerence spell when it suits??? :-??
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

JohnDeux
Posts: 1892
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Help me understand my ex-colleague

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:31 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:26 pm

I don't understand it?

The only thing they wouldn't do was look in the mirror. Period. ....... boy did they react strongly to anything that related to the self.

Is it that they are addicted to drama?
It could well be this last line. It's like the description of elephants raised in captivity that develop a sort of swaying motion possibly to combat the gnawing feeling of incarceration. Release them back to the wild and they can often be seen still exhibiting that activity.....and often have a poor prognosis for survival in the new settings. Just because we have a cerebral cortex doesn't mean we are free of our deeper patterns formed early on. As you noted, the facts laid before them indicate what they are headed for but the patterns formed early are a formidable foe to overcome. (Those working long term at partner abuse shelters become numb to this cycle in the clients repeatedly walking through their doors.) Reacting strongly to anything related to looking in the mirror is point-blank asking them to change that pattern.....and that is truly frightening territory. Much 'safer', psychologically, to stay embedded in the familiar abusive environment -- an environment both consciously and unconsciously as natural to us/them as breathing.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3091
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 59
Contact:
Great Britain

Re: Help me understand my ex-colleague

Post by David » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:55 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:26 pm
In their mind, they were scarred yet healed, perfect.
Only a narc would believe they were healed. :-o

No such thing as total healing in my book - just increased self awareness and more choice on how to behave. some triggers never go away.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests