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HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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leahdines19
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2019 10:43 am
Australia

HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by leahdines19 » Tue Jul 09, 2019 8:28 am

Hello everyone,

I just knew about limerence. Upon learning and reading about it, I have regained some form of confidence that this new found knowledge would help me overcome the compulsion to need my LO.I posted yesterday about my online LO. As mentioned, my LO is probably on his 3rd phase (Dr. Joe Beam's discussion on the matter). He is getting over me. The everyday chatting is trimmed down to at least once a week, 10 minute duration from 2-3 hours at the start of the illicit relationship which went on for at least 7 weeks.

I have learned the habit of expecting to hear from him between 1:30-3 pm. This one and a half hour wait is agonising. If the wait is rewarded, it is blissful. If not, what a misery. I wonder if my LO is an expert in limerence because he knows exactly how to play the game. He calls the shots. One pattern that I recently noticed is he sends a message after 3 pm if he ever contacts me. He would ,however, after 5 minutes indicate that he could not stay long in the conversation thus build up the tension of longing. Trusting that this is what he really needs, I would always tell him it is okay. The justification of not wanting to chat with me is dramatic, he is lonely and that he is down and would rather want to go to sleep. He did not seem to have this "loneliness" in the first seven weeks of the relationship. Red flag was in one of those episodes, he missent me a message intended to another. Maybe another chat mate. I did inform him about it and casually pointed out to him and the sincere message that it was okay. He justified by saying it was intended for a colleague. I did not pursue the conversation and changed the topic. How could he send it to a colleague when he was using an account with a different name, an alias?

I could sense that the dynamics of the "illicit" relationship has changed and has asked him several times if we still are on as I would not have a clue. This is my first and my last. A friend who is into online dating told me that it is the way things are with online relationships. You simply have to move on when the other person seldom connects with you or showing signs of disinterest. The other day, he told me we are okay and all good. I got the chance to speak to him because I sent him gifts (stupid ME!!!). I have decided to just simply wait till the time he will no longer contact me. It is a torture though to anticipate every afternoon because he is unpredictable. My mood shifts so suddenly.To distract myself and to downplay the tension that was building up I started writing a journal in a form of a letter address to him. I will not be sending them though. I thought I should have a ritual every afternoon to channel the negative thoughts and mood.

This afternoon while I was on the phone he messaged me with such a flattering opening line, "Hello beautiful woman." I do not know but it just drives me to bliss when he makes contact then the realisation that he will soon say bye bye. There is always this piercing stab in my gut every time. I have learned to get used to it though but it still hurts. I wonder if he knows what he is doing to me. Should I tell him about my current state of mind in relation with him? Would he understand? I tried several times to leave but I couldn't. I seem to be powerless. Every time we make up he is consistent that he wants me to stay but he would always assert he doesn't know where this relationship is going. His line would be "I have no answer to that" but he prefers that I stay. Foolish me would always stay. Can someone hit me on the head please.

Please I would appreciate suggestions on what to do and your take on what is happening( IS IT JUST PURELY LIMERENCE on my part or something else from his end)....Thank you very much.

daydreamer
Posts: 697
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Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by daydreamer » Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:14 am

i see this is your trigger time in your time zone. what time is it? it's 3AM here, i can't sleep tonight, so i'm writing this.

the journaling/unsent letters thing you're doing is great. open communication to explain everything to each other is great, too (IMHO, some disagree). this how i got my rejection from my LO and that helped me to move on. until you get your rejection, you're screwed and stuck in this state indefinitely. later, when you're out of the fog of limerence, you need to figure out why you're susceptible to one. lots of good threads here to read about. i personally got addicted to this forum, much better than the addiction of limerence!

take it easy!

Cookie
Posts: 626
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by Cookie » Tue Jul 09, 2019 12:56 pm

leahdines19 wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 8:28 am
I wonder if he knows what he is doing to me. Should I tell him about my current state of mind in relation with him? Would he understand? I tried several times to leave but I couldn't. I seem to be powerless. Every time we make up he is consistent that he wants me to stay but he would always assert he doesn't know where this relationship is going. His line would be "I have no answer to that" but he prefers that I stay. Foolish me would always stay. Can someone hit me on the head please.
I can hit you on the head virtually. *BONK*

All I can say is, if you like this emotional roller coaster, the uncertainty, the disappearing and reappearing -- then keep in touch with this one! Because every gut feeling I have right now (after 25+ years of LOs who all did this very same thing) tells me that he is enjoying the cat and mouse game of this. Read: he has the power to manipulate you. You are giving him control over you. You are one of many, and there will be more.

You will probably, like most of us did in the beginning or even beyond, focus on HIM and what his various actions and behaviors mean.

They don't mean anything. You don't mean anything to him. And you never will. He is very likely not capable of bonding, so everything you get from him is going to be at a surface level. He's already TOLD you this. "I have no answer to that." Umm...yeah...,that IS the answer.

But that is his dysfunction, not yours.

Yours is the crazy obsession that makes you want to be with THIS man. Chasing a ghost.

That's about as blunt a hit on the head I can muster at 8 a.m. Hope it didn't hurt too bad. But he's going to hurt you worse.
Person

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3736
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:42 pm

Agreed. Just because they hoover, it doesn't mean anything. I used to put way too much stock into it, but in all honesty it doesn't take as much energy to hoover once in awhile as it does to build an actual relationship and get to know somebody.
"You tell them, we've all got meanness in us. And tell them, we've got good in us too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. That's why we've got to try and pass it on"-Novalee, Where The Heart Is

L-F
Posts: 2445
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:46 pm

LS hoover too. They do it by feeding crumbs of attention. Take me, no, don't take me. I'm here for you, no I'm not really, I'm married. Let's do this, no we shouldn't be doing this. I NEED you, you are not suitable for me. I can't live without you, I must live without you.
COME BACK TO ME!!!
Enough to do ones head in @-)

Until you face your demons, he'll likely get away with treating you any way you'll let him.

It all boils down to how you want to be treated. There is an old saying "You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you" - Wayne W. Dyer

“To teach people how to treat you, you do not begin with them, you begin with yourself,”
“The way you believe about and treat yourself sets the standard for others on how you demand to be treated. People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them.”
“How do I treat myself? What do I value? What do I want? What do I think I deserve?”

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-it-m ... treat-you/

As soon as you honour yourself, set those standards for yourself, no one can mess with you. You are worth it!
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

daydreamer
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Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
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United States of America

Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by daydreamer » Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:04 pm

L-F, very well said. now i totally get what you were saying all the time. i'm a bit dense i guess.

Maddie
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Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by Maddie » Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:26 pm

yes, LF, very helpful. I can so much relate to the rollercoaster of all of this and the "illicit" relationship you describe. LF that hit the nail on the head for me...I guess I hoover and often don't know WTH I want. The conversations of what "we" are and what we're doing are circular and don't make sense, not even to me...and I start the conversation, every time! (well almost)
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

leahdines19
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2019 10:43 am
Australia

Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by leahdines19 » Wed Jul 10, 2019 12:07 am

daydreamer wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:14 am
i see this is your trigger time in your time zone. what time is it? it's 3AM here, i can't sleep tonight, so i'm writing this.

the journaling/unsent letters thing you're doing is great. open communication to explain everything to each other is great, too (IMHO, some disagree). this how i got my rejection from my LO and that helped me to move on. until you get your rejection, you're screwed and stuck in this state indefinitely. later, when you're out of the fog of limerence, you need to figure out why you're susceptible to one. lots of good threads here to read about. i personally got addicted to this forum, much better than the addiction of limerence!

take it easy!
I am half the world away, down under. It is 11 am here while it is 8 pm - 1 day in his part of North America. Another question, why don't I feel guilty about all these? Is this part of the whole trance thing when in limerence?

daydreamer
Posts: 697
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: HELP !!!! LO makes contact

Post by daydreamer » Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:19 am

while in trance, you rationalize your abnormal feelings and behavior. it's very typical.

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