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limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
leahdines19
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limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by leahdines19 » Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:23 pm

I am in my mid 40s, unhappily married and a mother of a 20 year old. People consider me successful in a sense that I am thriving well, career wise. Three moths ago I joined a chatroom for the first time in my life out of boredom. Five minutes in my adventure, someone invited me for a private chat. To cut the story short, I found myself chatting with a man six years my senior who is also married like me. The first chat was followed by another which led us both revealing our true identities. He is physically attractive and equally successful. I don't know what came over me but I was just drawn. I want to believe that he was drawn to me too but there is something "dodgy" about him or maybe I was just paranoid. In fact, I could not handle the initial bouts of limerence that I decided to delete my account and e-mail associated with that account.

Unfortunately, he contacted me via my company's e-mail as my name is on the website. It was a chase and run situation. We were so infatuated and would message each other every day. He went to two conferences and that gave us the opportunity to chat even more. He is such a lovely person but threatening. He is a high ranking executive in his field. It was really flattering that someone as busy as him would give me time. My struggle continued though as I could not handle my developing "obsession" for him. I became insecure, suspicious, and demanding---some symptoms of limerence. I could not focus and had quite a few mishaps (thankfully they were unnoticed) in my job. I used to be very hardworking and efficient. Things change when he came into my life. I acquired the habit of daydreaming about him that simple things become so difficult to accomplish. I had crying bouts too when he started to withdraw from the "relationship". We still are in contact once a week in the last three weeks but it seems to me that we are over and it is driving me nuts sometimes.I sometimes feel a strong compulsion to contact him. The other day I called him at his office and we spoke for 35 minutes. I was ecstatic as we ended our conversation with i love yous. After a day I became sad again not convinced of all the things he said to me. He would tell me that we are good and okay, but I have a gut feeling that we are not okay. It is crazy that I imagine him having other relationships too. Well, he could be. What is so strange is that I feel like I have a strong connection with him when he is half a world away from me. Truly this is madness.

I do not know if I will soon recover from this. It is my first time to feel this intense yet irrational feeling and I am thankful that I stumbled upon this term that led me to this support group. I am seeing a very good therapist in two weeks. In the meantime I will hang out here. I suppose.

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by NoDayDreaming » Mon Jul 08, 2019 2:25 pm

yeah, it's limerence alright. i got limerent with someone just by emails (well, we had some history before to be fair).
when it's damaging your life and psychical health, you have to cut it cold and go into NC.
read and write in this forum obsessively, to replace your obsession with your LO.
good luck, and remember each of us is on different stages of the same path.

one more thing, if you stopped corresponding and he specifically sought you out, it's a red flag. he's maybe a manipulator.
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Fri Sep 20, 2019 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

Bettyboo
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by Bettyboo » Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:11 pm

It’s definitely possible as my “relationship” with my LO is all done through texts. We have met twice in real life, but it’s never been physical.

It’s been two years of constant texting.

Who knows maybe if we’d met in real life the illusion/fantasy may have shattered long ago.

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by NoDayDreaming » Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:48 pm

Bettyboo wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:11 pm

Who knows maybe if we’d met in real life the illusion/fantasy may have shattered long ago.
this is exactly it! this is how normal relationships work. one is initially ecstatic and drunk from love (dopamine), then we bond and have sex (oxytocin), and then we see all the bad things we didn't see before, but it's late to exit due to family, kids, convenience, and attachment.

in LE, this reality check is missing, and we are walking around drunken and consumed by our daydreams.

one poster here went to visit the LO for a couple of weeks, and that cured her from the LE.
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Fri Sep 20, 2019 1:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

Bettyboo
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by Bettyboo » Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:21 pm

My Lo does the same. I’ve often wondered if he knows that the fantasy that we’ve built up would be gone.

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by NoDayDreaming » Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:26 pm

wow, this is very revealing.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

leahdines19
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2019 10:43 am
New Zealand

Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by leahdines19 » Mon Jul 08, 2019 9:41 pm

This is exactly what I want to do. I want to see him so that all this drunken feeling would go away. He lives half the world away. It takes 36 hrs to get to where he is. I do not know if it worth it. He says we are okay but I know we aren't or maybe it is just me. He says he is lonely but it confuses me that he has got lots of pictures of himself. He used to send them to me. The last 3 weeks there is none. It is really demeaning as I would beg him to have a video chat which he now refuses to do. He has lots of excuses. One time while we were chatting (not really because it was me who was so much into it and I got short responses) he asked me to wait for a minute and that he will be back. He never came back. Strange, but I exactly knew he would not. I just wondered why he would have to do it. I wouldn't.

daydreamer wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:48 pm
Bettyboo wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:11 pm

Who knows maybe if we’d met in real life the illusion/fantasy may have shattered long ago.
this is exactly it! this is how normal relationships work. one is initially ecstatic and drunk from love (dopamine), then we bond and have sex (oxytocin), and then we see all the bad things we didn't see before, but it's late to exit due to family, kids, convenience, and attachment.

in LE, this reality check is missing, and we are walking around drunken and consumed by our daydreams.

one poster here went to visit the LO for a couple of weeks, and that cured her from the LE.

my LO actually discouraged me from seeing her in person, and i didn't understand why, but now i suspect she didn't want that to end that way.

leahdines19
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2019 10:43 am
New Zealand

Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by leahdines19 » Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:32 am

daydreamer wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 2:25 pm
yeah, it's limerence alright. i got limerent with someone just by emails (well, we had some history before to be fair).
when it's damaging your life and psychical health, you have to cut it cold and go into NC.
read and write in this forum obsessively, to replace your obsession with your LO.
good luck, and remember each of us is on different stages of the same path.

one more thing, if you stopped corresponding and he specifically sought you out, it's a red flag. he's maybe a manipulator. my LO did that to me too, more than once.
HELP!!!!
My LO just messaged me with beautiful woman how are you???? Just when I thought I have understood what limerence is. Today I have avoided the thought by simply saying to myself every time, he crosses my mind, "oh, limerence". The actual test came when he messaged me. I almost fell from my chair while speaking to someone on the phone. I just told the other person on the line, I am sorry I will call you later. I can't understand the exhilarating feeling. I ended up chatting with him for five minutes and he said he is tired and would want to go to bed. Lots of thoughts in my mind. The guts of him to contact me to just say I am going to bed because I have not been sleeping well the last several nights because of my stressors at home and at work. Thanks for being so caring. I am sorry that I am down tonight and could not chat....I hope we can chat longer next time. In all sincerity I do care for him. I guess it is not all limerence because in my heart I really wish him well. I really wish his home life will get better. I think that will heal me in some sense.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? This will just continue if I am this lame. A call and everything is back to square one...
Is he manipulating me? I have doubts though that this is just my limerence that is casting a shadow of doubt on the person. In fairness, when I was his LO some weeks back, he would sleep at 2-3 am just so we could chat.

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by NoDayDreaming » Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:32 am

leahdines19 wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:32 am
My LO just messaged me with beautiful woman how are you????
[...]
I can't understand the exhilarating feeling.
well, he either knows how to complement you nicely or he is good at pushing your buttons. same thing, i guess. there is no way really knowing what his real feelings and intentions are. even if you asked him, there is no way knowing if he lies or tells the truth. he might not even know it himself.

you might easily truly love each other, but there is no denial, you are also in a limerence, that is a trance that makes your miserable sooner or later.

you have 2 options: continue what you are doing, enjoying the exhilarating highs and lows, or face the reality and get rid of the limerence by starving/consummation/transference. blue or red pill, your choice. if it's true love, NC will not kill it.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

L-F
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Re: limerence with an online boyfriend, is it even possible? well, it is happening to me

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 09, 2019 10:07 am

If you really want to end him chasing you. And I mean, you are serious about it.

Tell him you want to have his baby.
Tell him you are going to end your relationship with your husband and ask him what street he'd like to live in.

I can guarantee you, you'll not hear from him for days.

If he says "bullseye, let's do it!"... you've got a chance to live an exciting and happy life. One you deserve.

Out of curiosity, how many of y'all questioned how many other women LO is texting? Don't be upset if there are many.

Buckle in, the limerence ride sure gets bumpy! Look after yourself, post in the jnl section so that you don't disclose to him or perhaps you have? And if you have, no big deal.

It really doesn't matter if you slip up, it's all a learning curve. The biggest lesson I learned was to go easy on myself. I gave myself tons and tons of space and forgave myself for any mistakes. And I've made many! Learn as much as you can. Join in others journeys because you tend to learn about yourself along the way, well I did.

And don't stress because it will all work out. It might takes years, it might take months, it really doesn't matter. You'll get there in the end. Welcome to the forums :ymhug:
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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