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What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
L-F
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What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by L-F » Sat Jul 06, 2019 11:49 pm

This song is dedicated to my wonderful husband, who stood by me throughout limerence. Even though he and I never really understood limerence, we worked thru it together with him trusting in me and giving me space.

Limerence has also taught us how to be better parents in terms of pressing the pause button with regards to passing on intergenerational trauma while giving us the tools and awareness to work on healing the wounds already passed on. In other words, healing not only stops with us, but it also goes up to our parents and down to our children. In essence, we (the parents) are reversing intergenerational trauma by heavily investing in intergenerational healing.

On top of this, I've gained some lifelong LE friends at different stages - some still in the thick of the fog, some partially out and some running for the hills!

And... I'm now enjoying a newly carved relationship with my mother whom I've not had any interaction with for the past 30 years. I'm also seeing my NPD father in a different, more empathic light. I have forgiven both parents, and for the first time in my 50 years, I'm enjoying our relationship. The relationship is not magical, it's authentic. I am me, and they are them. It is surreal knowing the phenomenon individuation sums up my experience. This experience has left me with a new sense of self. One that is not tied to my parents and one we hope to encourage in our children.

THANK YOU LIMERENCE NET FOR SHOWING US THE WAY!
Btw, I've never had therapy. This place was enough to wake me. Some may need therapy, some may not. You'll have to go with what works for you.

To my beautiful husband... thank you 💋

If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Cookie
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by Cookie » Sun Jul 07, 2019 2:12 am

L-F wrote:
Sat Jul 06, 2019 11:49 pm
THANK YOU LIMERENCE NET FOR SHOWING US THE WAY!
Btw, I've never had therapy. This place was enough to wake me. Some may need therapy, some may not.
Tried multiple counselors and nobody understood it well. This forum does. All of you do, and we help each other in the way group counseling does. So grateful for it, and thanks for the reminder, L-F!
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Spinnaker
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Jul 07, 2019 9:23 am

❤️
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

L-F
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by L-F » Sun Jul 07, 2019 10:12 pm

Thanks, Cookie and Spin :ymhug:
It's such a beautiful place to be. Truly.

Seeing my parents and not being triggered. I was trying to think of how I'd describe the individuated part.

I guess it's like me seeing an old lady (or man) who is neglected in a nursing home and dying of cancer. Ordinarily, and not so long ago, I'd wish that was my father. And if it were my father, I'd say something like "hurry up die you old bastard".

But not now. So what changed? Limerence.net that's what.

It helped me to see that I was 'in love' with LOs qualities that I wished my parents had. I wanted, without awareness, that I received the same feeling from my parents that I got from LOs attention - being seen and heard, fully.

Starting to wake was painful, but I stuck with it. When you truly grasp the notion that this is all about our parents and early childhood needs not being met, then you can start to let go of the illusion. Many hold onto the illusion because it is less painful. The illusion being LO as the magical fix. The one that makes us feel complete.

We are already complete, and for me, all it boiled down to was a shitty start in life. Of course LO was a beautiful distraction to the inner work of rebuilding my self-concept which was never built [in the right way that a loving, stable home life would have provided] because I wasn't handed the tools at an early age nor given the right environment to thrive in. Self-concept is made up of one's self-schemas and interacts with self-esteem, self-knowledge, and the social self to form the self as a whole. One's self-concept is a collection of beliefs about oneself. Generally, self-concept embodies the answer to "Who am I?"

And when your belief system is tainted with; I made mummy yell, I am a bad girl, I am not worthy of being heard, etc., this belief system is carried throughout life without awareness. Until we meet LO and HELLO! They make us feel heard and special and good and the opposite to all our firmly yet unconscious negative beliefs about self.

So. When I dropped the illusion. I had to face myself for the first time and pick apart my beliefs. I was a good girl, I was worthy of being seen and heard, I was worthy. I didn't cause mum to yell, I didn't cause the divorce, I wasn't useless like my father had insisted, I wasn't dumb, etc. etc.

And bit by bit I rebuilt a more loving self-concept (belief system of who am I?), which ultimately gave me different eyes to look thru. This means I see the baiting, the negative comments, the projections of insecurity, etc. and I no longer absorb them, internalise them, get hurt by them. In short, haters are blissfully ignored :D oh I see it, hear it, but trigger me no more (trigger my old beliefs).

And of course, I see my parents differently too. I don't hold them accountable anymore, because they did what they did with the tools they had. They had no awareness or place like this to help them navigate their self-concept.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Spinnaker
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Jul 07, 2019 10:45 pm

:ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug:

Learning to heal your scars from childhood and find forgiveness and love in your heart for your parents has been incredibly inspirational. All of this while going to school and working, too. It amazes me what you are capable of. You have the intellect, talent, guts, resolve and support to accomplish your dreams.

What a wonderful update! @};-
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Cookie
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by Cookie » Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:44 am

L-F wrote:
Sun Jul 07, 2019 10:12 pm
And of course, I see my parents differently too. I don't hold them accountable anymore, because they did what they did with the tools they had. They had no awareness or place like this to help them navigate their self-concept.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner here.

I started forgiving my mom when I connected the dots to her own early childhood. Household full of narcissist males. A dad that cheated on her mother. Blatantly, then married the mistress. :( My mom was the only girl child. Abused by an older brother. They had money out the wazoo, but what did it matter? I do resent a bit that she avoided counseling -- does to this day, despite her doctor's urging. She turns to alcohol instead. That's also a pattern I broke. For the most part. :p In time to spare my kids...not one drinks or does drugs. A friggin miracle in our lineage!!

Great work getting us to think on this stuff, L-F!!
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by NewDay » Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:26 pm

All of this resonates so much with me. I was at my mom’s yesterday with my husband and kids. She lives on a lake and we (my husband and kids) were having fun. My teenage kids love to be there and bring their friends there all the time. And yet my mother didn’t seem to enjoy any of it. She barely seemed to care I was there. And it hit me that that’s what my LO gave me...he SAW me in a very dramatic way. I was BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, CONFIDENT. He was in complete awe of me. And then he was gone. I still want my mom to see me like that but I know she never will. Now the work is to stop needing someone else to do that for me.

Cookie - I was literally telling my husband yesterday that I am no longer angry at my mom for my childhood. She went through a great deal of trauma in a time when nobody would have done anything about it. I am angry that she never tried to help herself since. I’m not angry at her, I’m angry that I didn’t get to have the mom I wanted.

L-F
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:20 am

NewDay wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:26 pm
I’m not angry at her, I’m angry that I didn’t get to have the mom I wanted.
:ymhug:

One day you may just find her, but it will be a different her to what you were expecting. That's what found. I discovered that when I let go of those expectations, I found my parents. Ones I'm now enjoying.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Cookie
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by Cookie » Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:55 am

L-F wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:20 am
NewDay wrote:
Mon Jul 08, 2019 12:26 pm
I’m not angry at her, I’m angry that I didn’t get to have the mom I wanted.
:ymhug:

One day you may just find her, but it will be a different her to what you were expecting. That's what found. I discovered that when I let go of those expectations, I found my parents. Ones I'm now enjoying.
I can't go as far as to say I'm "enjoying" my mom, but at times I do.

The perpetual roadblock is that she's kept her addiction and it's hard to witness that and smile like it's all okay.

I understand dysfunction, narcissism, and poor parenting in general. It's just hard to be with an addict. It's hard to keep pretending.

Doing my best though.
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L-F
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Re: What I've gained from the limerence experience...

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 09, 2019 4:56 am

Cookie wrote:
Tue Jul 09, 2019 1:55 am

I can't go as far as to say I'm "enjoying" my mom, but at times I do. Your best.

The perpetual roadblock is that she's kept her addiction and it's hard to witness that and smile like it's all okay.

I understand dysfunction, narcissism, and poor parenting in general. It's just hard to be with an addict. It's hard to keep pretending.

Doing my best though.
Yes, that's all you can do. Your best.
The individuation stage is where you love them anyway. Its when your identity is not tied to what they are or aren't doing. It's when you say 'you live your life, I'll live mine, but I still love you'... Anyway, that's been my experience. I'll never change them and they must choose their own path for I am not responsible for them, regardless of how they choose to spend their life. It's theirs.

It's a difficult concept to wrap your head around that's for sure. I would still be pained if I wanted them to live their life my way. Regardless of what they do, I will still love them. Wouldn't have caught me saying a few months back :D

Yes, it does hurt Cookie, it did for me x
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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