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hi - noob here

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:22 pm
United States of America

hi - noob here

Post by jim94708 » Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:57 pm

Hi -
I recently "fell for" someone that had just moved out of her SOs house 2 months before we met. I have been married twice, but frankly was a manipulative "Nice Guy" (as in "No More Mr Nice Guy" kind of Nice Guy) when pursuing my previous wives and GFs. After a couple of years moping around after leaving my ex-wife, I started taking care of myself much better, going to the gym again and losing 50 lbs in a few months, As the haze cleared and I started feeling good, thoughts of wanting female companionship became more frequent. Then this gal crossed my path. I asked her out fairly quickly (for me) - within 2 or 3 meetings. I decided to do something differently as far as pursuing this particular relationship. I went all in on being completely honest, transparent, and "authentic" with her. We had some long conversations about life, sex, values, everything. I was truly an open book to her. And she shared a lot of things about herself that the general public isn't privy to. I learned that this process is called "reciprocal escalating self disclosure". It's typical human bonding behavior where trust is built by each partner being vulnerable with the other in an escalating kind of fashion. And we absolutely did that. We were walking down the path of intimacy together, as I call it. Then she pulled back and told me she was going to reconcile with her ex. By then it was too late. I was in love with her. We never had sex or even made out. I kissed her once. That's it. But the sense that I got by being so open and transparent with her was so extremely freeing and powerful. I felt "this must be what love feels like". I had never experienced this feeling with any other woman I had ever been with in my life. I fantasized about our first sexual encounter often, and it was going to be the best sex of my life. She supposedly reconciled with her ex, and I feared I would never meet someone else like her again (I'm 58). I couldn't let it go. Frankly, I made a fool of myself with incessant communication attempts. Finally I sort of cut her off, although without telling her I didn't want to see her again, but accepting that it was best for me to completely cut her out of my life. Then she calls me and asks if I would like to go to dinner, which we did. Then - BAM - I was off and running again with the comms. I finally realized that I needed to completely cut off all communication with her for both of our sakes. I sent her my last goodbye email today. I am not heart broken now. I am actually thankful for the experience, painful though it was. Knowing this gal and falling for her has set me on a path to be a better man. But I think I'm extremely limerent towards her, if I understand the term correctly. I'm not sure what I want out of this group, but thought that sharing my experience would be a good place to start and perhaps the purpose for my being here might reveal itself in the process. Cheers.

Posts: 2574
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: hi - noob here

Post by L-F » Fri Jul 05, 2019 6:34 pm

Hi noob! Welcome to the forums :D

All the best on your journey to finding yourself.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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