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The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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jasper
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The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Post by jasper » Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:55 am

So our last messenger chat went horribly pear shaped...She was complaining about her latest internet date lying to her, of course I did the old 'you can do better', she said 'of course you're objective' and then I unwisely went into trying to tell her how I feel... In my manic state I also told her I'd written a poem about her and would she like to see it. Yeh, big mistake...

Anyway the chat all got a bit fraught and emotional. She talked a bit about her love life history, how she'd been so lonely for so long, and tried to explain my feelings and how she was a 'transitional object' for me.

I mean she's prob right, but her tone annoyed me. Patronising. Made me feel small and dismissed. I mean she doesn't really know me, nor I her. Though we worked together for 4 months we've never met in real life.

She gave a variety of reasons for why she wasn't interested, without outright rejecting me, or saying I wasn't her type, said she was 'wary', fucked up over men in general.

And then just as our chat was wrapping she dropped the bombshell - she'd told another of our former colleagues (who is a friend) about my 'disclosure'. That really hurt and knocked me for six. So humiliated.

She apologised a lot and I got a bit emotional, and she did too. Said she wasn't worthy of my affection, men just want to use her for sex, doesn't know how to deal with more sincere interest etc. And we talked about mental health issues too, hers and mine, but not in detail. She said she was sad for hurting me. And we were both crying.

I hate black and white thinking but it is so hard to trust her now. We agreed to forget about it and be friends.

I havent contacted her since, about 1.5 days ago and the last message was one from her. I've 'hidden' her on both fbk and messenger, but keep re-reading the messages, ruminating obsessively, trying to find positive signs, just so very tired of it all.

I know it's early days but I feel so stupid and shameful. How have I learnt nothing about myself in the past 6 years since the last LE? Feels like I've been watching a slow motion car crash repeat of my life back then. But I am getting more courage form somewhere so I must've grown a little at least...

I'm still v manic. Not sleeping properly. Walking for miles, listening to music, getting v impatient / irritable with strangers in the street etc. Sudden flashes of anger. Huge mood swings.

Also unravelling a bit, or scared of doing so. It's dredging up disturbing thoughts / sensations from childhood that I'm not sure I'm ready to face.

Seeing the doc on Thursday am. Def need meds to calm me. And therapy is on the plan too,but prob not until I move city. Holding it together at home just about, but living with my ex is tricky too.

I'm wondering if I should now tell her, or is that unfair on her given we're no longer a couple? Am i being too weak by burdening her with it.

So far we're getting on fine, no arguments, we're being supportive of each other. I'm so scared of her disapproval, of any female disapproval really. Also of losing her as a friend. Of being on my own forever too. Of not being able to cope in my new single life.

My two best friends are both away / busy for next few days, and of course nobody else understands anyway, if you try and tell them, so really struggling with this alone.

God I'm a mess. I know it will get easier and I've had lots of nice contact from friends on facebook after I posted about being a bit manic (but obv not saying why), which helps a little, but still..

Grateful for any support, thank you.

Pattihopeful
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Re: The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Post by Pattihopeful » Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:24 am

Jasper, it is so hard having the feelings out there and not reciprocated and LO wanting to be friends and just move on. I disclosed 2 months ago and the pain was so intense I cried on and off for days. I still feel a literal pain in my chest when I replay. I am trying to be friends. Also a coworker.

I understand your feelings, fear of losing as a friend, fear of disapproval. Hard stuff. You are so much more than your value to her though it doesnt feel like it. You have a community here. Post often.

daydreamer
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Re: The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Post by daydreamer » Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:13 pm

jasper wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:55 am

I'm still v manic. Not sleeping properly. Walking for miles, listening to music, getting v impatient / irritable with strangers in the street etc. Sudden flashes of anger. Huge mood swings.
are you sure you don't have a bipolar? there are great treatments for that. see the thread i started on it a couple of months back.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

marko
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Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
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Re: The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Post by marko » Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:37 am

The LE mania is bi polar like, but I was diagnosed and now disagree and worked my way through what I do to cause all the mess. The manic desperate brain melt down just goes with all the overthinking that allows no sleep and then a crash of sadness. As for OP support--I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot right now. It's also so hard that no one can understand how much it hurts. It will be so until you go through those thoughts. Maybe that's the part you need to walk through with a professional who can help talk them down. I had to live there for a time and although still often sad, I can coexist with it and live.

daydreamer
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Re: The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Post by daydreamer » Thu Jun 13, 2019 8:05 am

marko wrote:
Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:37 am
The LE mania is bi polar like
feel free to interpret either way, but if mania is trigered by LE, it's still a mania (or hypomania). there are studies out there proving both mania and depressions in bipolar can be triggered by life events, and yes, love is #1 for mania/hypomania alright.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

jasper
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon May 27, 2019 12:31 am
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: The big ugly shameful showdown - struggling to cope

Post by jasper » Fri Jun 14, 2019 11:28 am

marko wrote:
Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:37 am
The LE mania is bi polar like, but I was diagnosed and now disagree and worked my way through what I do to cause all the mess. The manic desperate brain melt down just goes with all the overthinking that allows no sleep and then a crash of sadness. As for OP support--I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot right now. It's also so hard that no one can understand how much it hurts. It will be so until you go through those thoughts. Maybe that's the part you need to walk through with a professional who can help talk them down. I had to live there for a time and although still often sad, I can coexist with it and live.
Thanks eveyrone. Yes I do think it's like a bi polar / manic episode. I don't usually get these, mostly when I'm limerent, and very occasionally at other times of great stress.

So far managed NC for 4 days and the intense exchange of messages has only been for a few weeks, so perhaps it will fade eventually. She has commented on a few fb posts, but that's it.

I've been to the dr now and got some meds (sleeping tablets and betablockers) I just said I was having obsessive thoughts and in a manic state, dr was reluctant to prescribe anything too strong just yet. Also been referred for counselling / therapy, but there's a waiting list and I'm moving soon...

Anyway am feeling calmer now at least, just sad, empty, down, wallowing really...

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