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Addicted to the misery

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Addicted to the misery

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:34 am

Is this even possible? To like misery/drama?

Today I had LC with LO. He was very moody. Didn’t want to talk, skipped lunch, didn’t want to take our usual break together. In my mind, thoughts are swirling about how he’s mad at me, avoiding me, the friendship is dying, he’s just completely over it, etc. My mind even thought...what if he’s got another girl he’s pursuing & it’s going bad or he’s feeling guilty. Anxiety & confusion & sadness. Logically I KNEW it had nothing to do with me. I hadn’t seen him all weekend. He was probably tired/frustrated/sick/had something going on at home.

As I was ruminating I got this real weird comforting feeling. Like even the worry, the anxiety felt almost good in a way because it was...familiar. It’s like I think back to all the times I’ve had similar worries & things have turned around/gone back to normal so I know this isn’t the end of anything. I don’t know.

And last week, when he was so mad at me, it felt good because at least it was some sort of reaction.

On some level I must LIKE these feelings to keep willingly participating in this thing. I miss the relationship that we used to have. The distance seems miserable but also leaves room for me to miss him?

By the end of the day things seemed back to normal. I am so weak. If he disclosed again or re-opened the idea of an affair I’m not sure I would be able to turn it down. :(

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Re: Addicted to the misery

Post by daydreamer » Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:39 am

once i've heard that when we crave attention, we will take negative attention over no attention.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

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Re: Addicted to the misery

Post by Pattihopeful » Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:50 am

It makes my sense. My therapist said we could be replaying out past negative relationships, even if they are unhealthy. Is there any relationsip in your past that has familiar dynamics? What DD said too about attention is interesting. I have been wondering along the same lines. It is a mind game for sure that is tiring.

Hopeless Lomantic
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Re: Addicted to the misery

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Tue Jun 11, 2019 7:18 am

Hi Annie, I think it's the sense of familiarity that u r missing... the always on companionship, the sense of camaraderie .. I can totally relate on the part that the mind wonders when the LO is not at your arms length..

Is she giving me space ? Did I piss her off? Has she decided to focus on her family fully ? Has she turned her attention on another person?

It's not healthy and at the height of limerence, I would even set aside alone time away from everything to just day dream about her..

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Re: Addicted to the misery

Post by Helpmeplease » Tue Jun 11, 2019 10:55 am

AK I understand your last sentence all too much. I am lucky it was never on offer and really feel your pain about this thought and the linked thoughts you go experience in the nasty downward spiral. It's very very hard to get out of this position is a) you 'enjoy' the potential and b) you see LO all the time

I say enjoy the potential and hope you know what I mean. Dreaming of the fantasy, the escape, the change, being with your 'soul mate' etc. It's not enjoyable being LE.

Until you hit rock bottom when you just can't take it anymore it's hard to move yourself to stop it. I know this very well, any how many lies your brain tells you that it's all ok. That LO wants you. Etc. It's not ok.

Are you sure you are missing 'familiarity' or is it something else?

If you had exciting things to look forward to, if your connection with SO was good (forgive me here, not sure if it is or isn't),. If your job was intellectually stimulating would you still miss the familiarity?

Is it missing the escape that LO allows? Or missing the emotional bonding? (I miss these and it's painful for sure ... Urgh)

Or as DD says are you missing attention from others?

I get missing the dophmine hit, thinking through all the what ifs etc, and the need for LO but not sure your pain is missing the 'familiarity' aspect.

It's worth spending time trying to isolate this and maybe getting some help?

It's really hard and painful to get to the point where you can grow from and you are definitely on the right track trying to understand this and think of your feelings.

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Re: Addicted to the misery

Post by marko » Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:32 pm

I get the misery part in a few different ways. I enjoyed playing the thwarted love-struck Romeo. It was only this last LO that I didn't like it anymore. Perhaps feeling my age and how it's all "over" was too much too bear. Like in the old days, there would always be time, always be the one and now it's not going to happen.

On a side note I messaged a girl I secretly admired a long time ago. I remember being tortured by her existence as our world could never collide. She responded with--how do I know you. Not sure how even to respond as she wouldn't. I was struck by her beauty and it felt very painful that it was silly and impossible, but I liked ruminating that feeling. I wouldn't label her an LO, but like many it was a mental escape that caused too much thinking. Like now, for her name to pop in my head after 35 years. I remember clearly sadly pining for what couldn't be. Now I'm nervous about my meaningless response about how we just happened to share some space together in ancient times.

Thought Loop
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Re: Addicted to the misery

Post by Thought Loop » Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:46 pm

I wonder about this too.

Yes, I think you're probably right. That anxiety you have of your LO being mad at you, I have felt this, too, with mine. It's comforting to be in the same thought groove. We crave it.

I think our brains would probably resemble those of a drug addict if they did a scan.

It does seem to be about re-enacting childhood dynamics using a proxy. Something very primal.

I can't trust my own thoughts on it. It plays tricks on me, destroys my objectivity.

I wish you strength with your struggle! May you find peace and calm.

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