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Revelations of a limerent

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Thought Loop
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Revelations of a limerent

Post by Thought Loop » Sat Jun 08, 2019 8:07 pm

I have limerence for a coworker. It has been overwhelming and disconcerting; the experience made me seek help and brought me here. This site is enormously helpful in terms of understanding what's been going on with me.

I now believe I have had limerence many times: a cluster around 20, and now a new cluster, over 20 years later. I wasn't sure where to draw the line between a crush, a powerful romance, and limerence. I think it was all limerence now.

It's led to painful realizations, yet it is also good to have my eyes finally open. Better late than never, right?

I had limerence for several women in my teens / early twenties, but LO1 is the most significant. She seemed sweetness and light and is still the most charming woman I've ever met. It went from daydream to roller coaster nightmare and ended after a year. After her, I was wary of charming people for 20 years.

I had limerence for a few other women in the interim period, but they were charming, and reminded me of LO1, so I never let anything develop.

About 4 years ago, I had LO2. She did not present at all like LO1; she was much more bashful. I thought I had met my soul mate. Things went south fairly quickly: a short period of euphoria followed by a long tail of misery.

She opened up some primal wounds in me and I just can't seem to staunch the emotional flood. In this sense I owe my LO's a big debt of gratitude.

Enter LO3. I think I actually transferred feelings from LO2 that were still roiling in my head. We became friends eventually thanks to her emotional stability and determination.

I do not feel any of the powerful frission / tension / energy / ambiguity / anxiety with LO3 (after I confessed my feelings, it was different before) that I do with LO1, LO2, or LO4. With them, it's like electricity, super high energy, exhausting.

Enter LO4: the coworker. I now believe that the feelings LO2 unleashed still wanted to find a home. When I first saw LO4 I was struck by her poise and energy. It was remarkable! Yet I don't know her well, we did not date, she turned me down (there was some ambiguity), so there's no logical reason for me to feel so incredibly powerfully towards her. Yet I do! It's awful, the intrusive thoughts, the idealization, the baseless yearning. She affects me.

I have seen a therapist. He has no knowledge of limerence.

The best thing about the therapist is that he hasn't just dismissed me outright, told me I'm too sensitive, that I'm imagining things, or that I'm baselessly paranoid. He actually thinks I have pretty good emotional radar (growing up it was useful to know when to go and hide) and that I am picking up on stuff that really IS happening.

I have my doubts now and think I am descending into both paranoia and madness.

I wasn't even sure if limerence was real; I argued with a friend who just said I'm being immature, blowing it out of proportion and having a crush and trying to make it sound fancy. I cannot convince her. But there's so much more on this board! So many points of commonality, I do not think it can be coincidence. Our stories are too similar. We all seem to be very sensitive, atuned, easily 'triggered' by our LO.

There should be more clinical study of Limerence, as it causes such horrible horrible suffering.

Thank you for this forum, David. I don't know where else there is to talk about this.
Last edited by Thought Loop on Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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David
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Re: Revelations of a limerent

Post by David » Sat Jun 08, 2019 9:59 pm

Thought Loop wrote:
Sat Jun 08, 2019 8:07 pm

There should be more clinical study of Limerence, as it causes such horrible horrible suffering.
Agreed, still far too much ignorance of this condition.

dont forget to explore your childhood, chances are there are some seeds there
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

daydreamer
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Re: Revelations of a limerent

Post by daydreamer » Sun Jun 09, 2019 5:33 am

Thought Loop wrote:
Sat Jun 08, 2019 8:07 pm

I know I mirror my narcissistic parent to keep them placated. I've done that for decades (without knowing what it was called).
could you please explain that part again?

Helpmeplease
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Re: Revelations of a limerent

Post by Helpmeplease » Sun Jun 09, 2019 8:24 pm

It's definitely real... and dangerous

I often think I couldn't explain it to my friends for them to understand. What damage it cause cause. It took my therapist a long long time to understand. Therapist gave me bad advice to start because she didn't understand.

Thought Loop
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Re: Revelations of a limerent

Post by Thought Loop » Mon Jun 10, 2019 2:24 am

David: Thanks, good advice. I am 100% sold on this going back to childhood issues. There is so so much evidence on this forum. I think it is tied to growing up with a narcissistic parent, as you say. It all seems to fit. I am not sure what to do at the moment. I’ve been reading like crazy but I think I’ve had enough revelations for a month or two or more. I will continue to see the therapist. I will read out some quotes about limerence to him next time.

MIrroring: If someone wants to be regarded as wise, you treat them like they are wise. If they think they are a great athlete, that’s how you treat them. Whatever self-image they need to feel validated and good about themselves, that's what you shine back.

HelpMePlease: I agree… it’s insidious. Just when I think I am getting a handle on it I realize I am not in control. I am going to try and explain to my therapist. I will no longer talk about it to certain friends. It’s too uphill a battle.

I want to turn my stupid brain off. It should come with an off switch!
Last edited by Thought Loop on Tue Jun 11, 2019 12:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

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David
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Re: Revelations of a limerent

Post by David » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:09 am

Thought Loop wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2019 2:24 am
I am not sure what to do at the moment.
In my expereince the work is to grieve the lost parts of ourselves and to integrate the parts we split off in childhood. For me 7 years of weekly one to one therapy with a talented female therapist helped remother me and see these parts.

My deep grief work came in men's group as this was the only place that with time I felt safe enough to do this work. A central part of this was also seeing how my Parental Rescue Fantasy was the core generator for my limerence. It was a long slow process - best part of a decade :-o and it still continues.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Thought Loop
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Joined: Sat Jun 08, 2019 2:27 am
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Re: Revelations of a limerent

Post by Thought Loop » Mon Jun 10, 2019 9:16 pm

David: Thanks for the reply. Kinda figured it'd be an extensive long term process.

I feel like I went looking for an emo mouse in the closet and instead (SURPRISE!) found a 10 ton emotionally dysfunctional elephant in there instead.

The therapist I'm seeing probably isn't the guy for the bigger job, and he's also retiring in October. I have a number of appointments and I can use him as a resource to try and find a specialist.

He doesn't think I need heavy therapy (Boy do I have him fooled!), and he wasn't planning on recommending me to someone else.

But the whole limerence things, how this has impacted my relationships so deeply, for so long, suggests otherwise. I am pretty convinced now this is the issue. How else could so many elements match?

I don't think I am ready for men's group yet, that sounds intimidating, I'm still trying to accept and process all of this, and one on one conversation(s) will be hard enough!

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