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Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
wisteria.and.wine
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Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:19 am

This is long, I need to vent. Sorry. If you're good at analyzing situations, give me your insights. I want all the insights. lol

As you can see by the title, I don't for sure know if I am limerent with this person. This guy is a good friend that I met online a few months ago and we would talk non-stop, sometimes sexual stuff but also non-sexual fun, good-humored talk. We really enjoy each other's company. Unfortunately, said person has a gf. Well, the last time we really talked was the end of April. I thought maybe things were taken too far and he was avoiding me - which triggered my anxiety and limerent (?) feelings. I know this guy and I could never be together because he lives a solid 24 hours away from me (driving distance), but I can't help but be attracted to him even though he IS. THE. COMPLETE. OPPOSITE. of me. When I say opposite, I mean he is rational, practical, utilitarian, very science-y. I'm completely entrenched in fantasy and surrealism and I'm also completely irrational. He has all this confidence and I self-hate all the time, especially when I found out about limerence. I felt disgusted with myself like I was some sort of creeper/perv/stalker that should be locked up. I know I'm a good person and I would never hurt anyone, and many people on this forum have told me to just be gentle with myself. I'm really trying. All I've ever done is look at people's social media profiles. I've never gone to a person's place of work or drove by their house or anything - to those that HAVE done these things, I don't judge. IMO, stalking intends harm of some kind, and I would never do that.

Anyway, I broke down and messaged him the other day because I missed him and I kept thinking I had done something wrong and that he was avoiding me because of it. He went from always initiating contact with me to pretty much nothing over the span of a month. Well, he said he had just been incredibly busy with his new job which he loves. He had also been a bit sick. At first, I got the sense that he didn't want to talk because of his stunted replies but this could have been due to my anxiety because then he called me. We talked for 2.5 hours about aimless things and just joked around. Nothing sexual really. The convo turned to me somehow and I told him, ah, well, I don't think I should be dating anyone because of limerence. He replies with, "You also have an unhealthy habit of stalking that you should probably get under control too." This really hurt my feelings, but I didn't tell him that.

He was referring to me logging into my old ex-bff's FB profile because, at that time, I wanted to know what he thought of me. Which... I still stand by my snoopiness back then. I found out he was saying horrible things about me after 5 years of basically me bending over backward for him and putting up with his substance abuse. Plus he hit me. The snooping on FB was just to confirm all the things he had been saying. Nothing more. I hadn't logged into his old FB account in over 5 years, until my new friend was curious to what the other dude looked like. So, I logged in, only to show him a photo because I didn't have any photos anymore. That's it, immediately logged out. Don't judge me too harshly. I know it was wrong. I just have a habit of acting and not thinking first.

But when my friend (LO) said this to me, it just made me feel awful. Maybe I am being too open with this new friend of mine. Maybe I shouldn't open up to anyone about limerence. All in all, I don't think he meant it in an accusatory way. He said that he missed talking to me and that he didn't want to get off the phone (even after 2.5 hours) of talking but he had stuff to do. He said he really liked talking to me because I am "good people". He also mentioned that he still thinks I'm attractive even though I do not think this way.

WHY AM I ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON? Is it because he is hot and cold sometimes or maybe I'm perceiving his bluntness as hot and cold and he really isn't trying to be? Is it because I thought he was avoiding me? All of the above? We only have a slight few things in common. He is not my type at all! But most of all I keep trying to shut these stupid feelings down. I AM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD TO NOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!! I forcibly think about anything else or DO anything else whenever he crosses my mind. I don't want these feelings. I just want my friend. It is fun to meaninglessly flirt with said person and I genuinely care for him as my friend. He also genuinely cares for me and worries about me sometimes. He says he likes to talk to me, and about me, because I'm interesting. Do I only have these feelings because he gives me attention and makes me feel good? I'm lonely AF all the time. Talking to him makes me relax (except for the other day, I was a nervous wreck and said some stupid shit). I get tongue-tied and can't speak or just don't think before I speak. Make bad jokes...etc. I did not get the limerent "high" from our conversation. He told me not to have anxiety about messaging him and just do it if/when I want too. Are these real feelings or limerence? How do I even tell the difference?

Yes, yes. I know he has a gf. I feel horrible, but I also know nothing will ever come of this. It is like crushing on a celebrity. So, is this a genuine little crush or limerence? UGH! Did I do something wrong? Does he not contact me anymore because I turned him off or because he is genuinely busy? I'm trying to analyze it rationally by looking at his actions more than his words, but he is also the kind of person that says what he means and means what he says. I'm just going around in circles now. Sorry.

Ultimately, my happiness is not tied to this person, but I am happy when he thinks about me enough to message me or makes time to message me. I like mattering to him. Like one time he told me he didn't want to go to sleep because not sleeping afforded him more "me" time to talk to me. He hasn't said anything that sweet in a while. I miss the sweet things. UGH! I know it's wrong. I've never been attracted to someone with a gf before. Ever. Because it's pointless. These feelings are pointless. I want him to like me and be fond of me. I care about how he sees me. I hold him in high esteem. If he ever had interest, I don't want him to lose it because of finding out about my flaws, but I also understand how wrong it is to want him to want me.

Sorry this is so long. I'm having trouble putting these feelings into words. I'm confused about how I feel if it is limerence or not. I'm terrified to ever be limerent again. I want to run away at the first sign of chemistry, but I don't want to run from this person because he is "good people" too. :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :((

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Sat Jun 08, 2019 2:32 am

You sound limerent.

And it doesn’t really matter, does it? This is disordered thinking, obsessive thinking/rumination. Whatever the reality is, you are not going to see it clearly now because you are not rational at the moment.

I’ve been there. Sometimes it does help to just vent/brain dump.

You have placed this man on a pedestal he does not deserve, having sexual convos with other women behind his girlfriend’s back.

You are trying to figure out the answer to the wrong question. This has got your mind spinning. What inner need is this LO meeting for you that you need to learn to meet for yourself? This is not about him & the LE will continue until you work on addressing the underlying problem.

wisteria.and.wine
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:12 am

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Sat Jun 08, 2019 2:32 am
You sound limerent.

You are trying to figure out the answer to the wrong question. This has got your mind spinning. What inner need is this LO meeting for you that you need to learn to meet for yourself? This is not about him & the LE will continue until you work on addressing the underlying problem.
I suppose I do sound limerent, now that I've taken a few days to really think things over. I made a list of all the things I like/dislike about this person - in a romantic compatibility sense - and I found that I'm most likely attracted to him because he asks me questions about myself, pays me compliments, and thinks I'm an interesting person. He likes to talk about me, basically. My whole life I've been invisible to the opposite sex and so whenever someone sits up and takes notice, I fall for them. Guys have literally shoved me out of the way to get to my more attractive friends. I *wish* I was exaggerating there but I'm not.

Ever since I talked to him, I haven't really been thinking about him much at all. I haven't been obsessively checking my phone for messages. In fact, I leave my phone on silent and/or charging, and I leave the room. It's like someone flipped the LE switch off the last couple of days since we spoke. It's really weird. I'm not attracted to this person in the slightest but I like how he makes me feel... which is special. The last time we spoke it was only in a friendly sense. No sexual stuff, and only a couple compliments here and there. Maybe keeping things friendly with this person is the cure?

Is this a common limerent thing? To be so on and off with someone like this? At this VERY MOMENT, I only think of him as a friend and nothing more, but who knows what I'll feel if he goes another month without speaking to me and triggers my abandonment anxiety.

daydreamer
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by daydreamer » Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:22 pm

wisteria.and.wine wrote:
Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:12 am
It's like someone flipped the LE switch off the last couple of days since we spoke. It's really weird. I'm not attracted to this person in the slightest but I like how he makes me feel... which is special. The last time we spoke it was only in a friendly sense. No sexual stuff, and only a couple compliments here and there. Maybe keeping things friendly with this person is the cure?

Is this a common limerent thing? To be so on and off with someone like this? At this VERY MOMENT, I only think of him as a friend and nothing more, but who knows what I'll feel if he goes another month without speaking to me and triggers my abandonment anxiety.
i went through a similar path. eventually i broke off with her, because i felt she was not good enough friend with me (not caring enough). if you notice more of that flipping in your life, read about "splitting."
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 268
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Canada

Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:15 am

daydreamer wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:22 pm
wisteria.and.wine wrote:
Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:12 am
It's like someone flipped the LE switch off the last couple of days since we spoke. It's really weird. I'm not attracted to this person in the slightest but I like how he makes me feel... which is special. The last time we spoke it was only in a friendly sense. No sexual stuff, and only a couple compliments here and there. Maybe keeping things friendly with this person is the cure?

Is this a common limerent thing? To be so on and off with someone like this? At this VERY MOMENT, I only think of him as a friend and nothing more, but who knows what I'll feel if he goes another month without speaking to me and triggers my abandonment anxiety.
i went through a similar path. eventually i broke off with her, because i felt she was not good enough friend with me (not caring enough). if you notice more of that flipping in your life, read about "splitting."
Interesting. I know exactly what you mean; I do this as well. When things are good between us I feel fine being just friends. He has been a very good friend to me over the years. It’s when I feel like he’s not as interested or get jealous of him that sparks my terrible limerence feelings. 🙄

wisteria.and.wine
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:31 pm

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:15 am
daydreamer wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:22 pm
wisteria.and.wine wrote:
Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:12 am
It's like someone flipped the LE switch off the last couple of days since we spoke. It's really weird. I'm not attracted to this person in the slightest but I like how he makes me feel... which is special. The last time we spoke it was only in a friendly sense. No sexual stuff, and only a couple compliments here and there. Maybe keeping things friendly with this person is the cure?

Is this a common limerent thing? To be so on and off with someone like this? At this VERY MOMENT, I only think of him as a friend and nothing more, but who knows what I'll feel if he goes another month without speaking to me and triggers my abandonment anxiety.
i went through a similar path. eventually i broke off with her, because i felt she was not good enough friend with me (not caring enough). if you notice more of that flipping in your life, read about "splitting."
Interesting. I know exactly what you mean; I do this as well. When things are good between us I feel fine being just friends. He has been a very good friend to me over the years. It’s when I feel like he’s not as interested or get jealous of him that sparks my terrible limerence feelings. 🙄
THIS! Like today, it's been a week since we talked. I'm still feeling okay about him... for the most part. He told me not to be anxious and just message him if I want, but the thought of becoming annoying is what is stopping me. I'll type a message out and delete it. I got some good news and I want to tell him, but I'm afraid I'll be interrupting his work. He was online talking to someone else today for a long time, but then I got a little upset because he didn't want to take a moment to talk to me and ask me what's up.

He probably just doesn't want to talk anymore. I should just give it up. I don't want to be a bother and be annoying. I don't want to become that person that he has to mute because he doesn't have time for the crazy girl anymore. Maybe I'm not interesting enough anymore. Maybe he got what he wanted. Maybe I was just a way to pass the time. I'm utterly confused at why he just up and stopped talking to me. My gut just tells me that I lost my friend because I'm not good enough anymore. I was interesting and new at first, but now I'm the old toy nobody wants. Maybe I'm just throwing myself a pity party here, but this always seems to happen to me. It's pointless to pursue a friendship when you're the only one putting in the effort. He was always the one messaging me before, and I felt guilty about that, now I can't tell if it's my turn to reciprocate or if he lost interest. Then again he has a gf, so any interest (real or imagined) shouldn't fucking matter. I'm so lonely. Crying as I type this. I just liked mattering to someone. All my other friends never message me unless I message first. I'm so tired. Honestly, if I died the only one who would notice is my dog. Today is just not a good day. =((

Wow, the more I typed the more "not okay" I sound lol I'm just depressed today in general, I suppose.

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:31 am

Oh Sweetie!!! I had to check to make sure I didn’t post this. I have THE SAME thoughts & feelings.

Who really knows what happened, if anything. The real question is why you feel so terrible about yourself that you are so desperate for his approval.

I think you have said that you don’t like the way you look, well that’s YOUR opinion. You saying that this ALWAYS happens to you...tells me that you LOOK for this thing to happen to you and probably manifest that with your actions. Men can sense needy/desperation like a shark on blood. Not saying that’s what happened with this guy. But if you look for or anticipate being rejected that WILL happen to you.

It doesn’t matter what happened with this guy. You need to focus on YOU. I don’t know what you look like but it doesn’t matter. I can tell by the way you write that you have a good, kind heart. You are a worthy person. I know that & im some stranger on a message board! Why can’t you believe this about yourself.

wisteria.and.wine
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:48 pm

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:31 am
Oh Sweetie!!! I had to check to make sure I didn’t post this. I have THE SAME thoughts & feelings.

Who really knows what happened, if anything. The real question is why you feel so terrible about yourself that you are so desperate for his approval.

I think you have said that you don’t like the way you look, well that’s YOUR opinion. You saying that this ALWAYS happens to you...tells me that you LOOK for this thing to happen to you and probably manifest that with your actions. Men can sense needy/desperation like a shark on blood. Not saying that’s what happened with this guy. But if you look for or anticipate being rejected that WILL happen to you.

It doesn’t matter what happened with this guy. You need to focus on YOU. I don’t know what you look like but it doesn’t matter. I can tell by the way you write that you have a good, kind heart. You are a worthy person. I know that & im some stranger on a message board! Why can’t you believe this about yourself.
Thank you, sincerely. :ymhug:

Again, I took a few days to really think about this. I don't know why I am desperate for this person's approval. He seems like one of the good guys, and he has genuinely expressed that he cares for me... which is something people never do unless I'm on the brink of stepping in front of a bus. Then, when the mood passes, people go back to their lives and never speak to me. It's kind of like no one caring about someone unless they are beautiful, dead, or both. I feel like I am that person that no one cares about unless they think I'm attractive or if they want something else from me. My dad used to keep cigarettes in his front pocket, because if he knew they were there he didn't crave them as bad because he could have one whenever he wanted, but when he didn't have cigarettes on his person he craved them so badly that's all he could think about. People treat me like my dad treated cigarettes. When I'm available, no one contacts me, but as soon as I show the slightest hint of wanting to move away from this place or get away from people that don't care, then they all come flocking (and some of them want something, typically). People take me for granted. The only people that don't are very few and far between. I thought he was going to be up there with all the rest of these people, at least that's how it started out. I guess I put him in my inner circle too soon, maybe. I put him on a pedestal too soon, along with the other 5 or so people I could never stand to lose. It was all because he cared to ask me questions. He was interested in getting to know me whereas no one else is. Even the people in my inner circle never ask me simply, "are you okay? how are you?" He asked me those things. He expressed he would rather have me in the world than not in it. Made me feel wanted/needed. I guess I just really wanted to keep that.

Maybe he sensed my desperation. It's quite possible. I told him constantly I have anxiety about messaging him. He was always telling me that I'm more attractive than I give myself credit for. I've been told by numerous other people that I'm so ugly I should be raped or harpooned etc. Every guy I've ever had a crush on started hating me when they found out. I've also been rejected by every guy I've asked out even guy friends that flirted with me nonstop. I made a very long post about this a while back so I won't go into it again here. After a while, you really start to believe these people if that is all you ever hear. The 1 voice that says you're good enough shines like a beacon in the dark but it also gets swallowed up by all the other voices shouting at me that I'm never going to be loved because I didn't win the genetic lottery. How do I fix it if he sensed my neediness? Not message him anymore? I mean I barely ever do anyway. I don't want him thinking this whole friendship is one sided. At this point, the crush or whatever is fading... maybe. It's been more than a week since we talked. I'm still fine for the most part. Just miss my friend... and am lonely as hell too.

I don't know how to stop expecting rejection if that is all I've ever gotten. I thank you for your kind words though. The last thing you wrote brought me to tears. I don't know why I can't love myself. My inner self is worthy of love. It's just my outer shell is what disgusts people. Unfortunately, the outside is what matters most to people and determines whether they want to know you or not. Example, met a guy on tinder (trash fire of an app, I know) he was interested in me and constantly texted me all the time until he saw me in person. Completely ghosted me. I could be the most interesting person in the world, but as soon as people see me in person they think they got catfished. So I gave up on love/dating and all that jazz. I don't go out anymore at all. I just sit and do homework or make myself happy with my hobbies.

You can tell yourself you're not lonely, filling your days with projects and work to pass the time, but it isn't until someone enters your life and makes you feel something that you realize how lonely you've been all along. It's like thrusting a starving person's favorite food in front of their face and the person still trying to deny they aren't hungry. I'm hungry. Attention hungry, love hungry, skin hungry. This person filled me up, and now I'm blaming myself for my limerence and wanting more.

daydreamer
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by daydreamer » Sun Jun 16, 2019 2:40 am

hi Wisteria, it's possible you are too hard on yourself and very selective at thoughts and observations about yourself. i remember the whole childhood as being rejected and hated by all, and it was painful. in retrospect, it was not true. i was loved by my parents (no matter they were flawed) and i was quite an interesting character, i just had no soul mate at that time or anyone sharing my deep/advanced interests.
read about cognitive-behavioral therapy and get the book "feeling good." this will teach you a balanced and healthy view on yourself.
BTW, you need to cut ties with all the negative people you keep mentioning. you need positive people around you.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

wisteria.and.wine
Posts: 40
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Re: Broke down and messaged current (LO?)

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Mon Jun 17, 2019 7:38 am

daydreamer wrote:
Sun Jun 16, 2019 2:40 am
hi Wisteria, it's possible you are too hard on yourself and very selective at thoughts and observations about yourself. i remember the whole childhood as being rejected and hated by all, and it was painful. in retrospect, it was not true. i was loved by my parents (no matter they were flawed) and i was quite an interesting character, i just had no soul mate at that time or anyone sharing my deep/advanced interests.
read about cognitive-behavioral therapy and get the book "feeling good." this will teach you a balanced and healthy view on yourself.
BTW, you need to cut ties with all the negative people you keep mentioning. you need positive people around you.
I am hard on myself. I often try to tell me to be more gentle with myself, or I ask myself, "If you could travel back in time, would you tell 8 year old you that you are fat, unlovable, and ugly etc." The answer is always no. I wouldn't say those things to younger me, and yet I still tell them to myself every day, or rather, I repeat the voices of the people who have told me those things.

I was very unloved by my parents as a child. Hence, why I probably have an attachment disorder, a fear of abandonment, and a phobia of rejection to the point that I can never tell anyone how I really feel lest they leave me because of my feelings. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will look into it. Oh, and I don't talk to the negative people anymore. I ghosted them all. I get called an ice queen a lot because I am able to flick my emotional switch off and freeze people out without ever giving them a backward glance. Once people screw me over, it's done.

As for a general update. (LO?) messaged me of his own volition the other evening.... which hasn't happened in a month, and guess what?! I. FELT. NOTHING. Like cool, bro... you just want to breadcrumb me? Okay, bye. He must have been talking to someone else online because after only a couple messages he stopped talking to me. WHY DO MEN DO THIS? Maybe he genuinely wanted to see what's up? I don't know, but he still hasn't even opened the last few messages I sent even though he has been online today. I'm not even freaking out over it like I normally would. I just want about my day as usual. Dumb. My limerbeast is sleeping, I guess.

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