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I had to bail out

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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tnthomas
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I had to bail out

Post by tnthomas » Fri Jun 07, 2019 12:49 am

Lately the thought of encountering my LO at the gym has been raising my anxiety level. I was supposed to attend 2 classes at the gym where she would also be, but the apprehension was such that just couldn't go. I had taken a Xanax, which didn't quell the 'unrest' in my head, CBD oil didn't have any effect either. I invented a reason why I needed to go to the hardware store...I feel a bit out-of-control as a result. For the next several weeks I'm only going to the gym M-W-F when she is not going to be there, maybe my busy brain will subside. I may need to see a MH counselor, do a short term of antidepressants. I would like to look into CBT, maybe I can learn to confront my demons finally.
...looking for the way out.

NewDay
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by NewDay » Fri Jun 07, 2019 1:12 am

Is changing gums an option? (This advice from a woman who had NC with her LO for 5 years and then took a job where he works). Bit of it’s an option it might be a way to take her out of the equation while you do something you enjoy. One thing I’m learning being on here is that “bailing out” is nothing to be ashamed of. I completely left social media because of my LO. It’s ok to know what our limits are.

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tnthomas
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by tnthomas » Fri Jun 07, 2019 2:38 am

NewDay wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 1:12 am
Is changing gums an option? (This advice from a woman who had NC with her LO for 5 years and then took a job where he works). Bit of it’s an option it might be a way to take her out of the equation while you do something you enjoy. One thing I’m learning being on here is that “bailing out” is nothing to be ashamed of. I completely left social media because of my LO. It’s ok to know what our limits are.
Thank you for your supportive words. This is a rural area, the next closest gym is 12 miles, not a complete deal breaker distance wise I guess.

It's ironic, a couple weeks ago I was planning ways to see more of her, but now I feel unable to mask my true feelings, and the drama in my head and heart are getting too intrusive.
...looking for the way out.

marko
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by marko » Fri Jun 07, 2019 5:16 am

My demon is my anxiety. I diagnosed myself with as an anxious avoidant. The avoidance initially lowers the anxiety, but it's a vicious circle as you really want to do things and then talk yourself out of it. This gets kind of like high school where you'd ride your bicycle past her house hoping no one sees you, but you just can't stop. Nerve wracking and I didn't think I had hardly any anxiety until this all revealed it. I can build up a good effort, but feel as a fraud as it fails.

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tnthomas
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by tnthomas » Sat Jun 08, 2019 6:06 am

marko wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 5:16 am
My demon is my anxiety. I diagnosed myself with as an anxious avoidant. The avoidance initially lowers the anxiety, but it's a vicious circle as you really want to do things and then talk yourself out of it. This gets kind of like high school where you'd ride your bicycle past her house hoping no one sees you, but you just can't stop. Nerve wracking and I didn't think I had hardly any anxiety until this all revealed it. I can build up a good effort, but feel as a fraud as it fails.
If your definition coincides with that described here, it surely fits me to a tee.
...looking for the way out.

marko
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by marko » Sun Jun 09, 2019 9:23 pm

I do that as well. I can't say which comes first as in which makes the other worse. I do know that when I feel Limerent, I feel great, even though all the anxiousness remains.

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Re: I had to bail out

Post by David » Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:47 am

tnthomas wrote:
Sat Jun 08, 2019 6:06 am

If your definition coincides with that described here, it surely fits me to a tee.
A useful comment from this article summing up the attachment styles:

Avoidant attachment is “I’m better off alone period. I can satisfy my own needs better than anyone else can.”

Anxious-avoidant attachment is “I want intimacy, but I’m afraid to get too close.”

Anxious attachment is “I fall deep and want to merge completely with my partner, but I’m afraid I want more intimacy than my partner does.”

Secure attachment is “I’m okay with intimacy, and I’m okay with being alone for a while too.”
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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tnthomas
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by tnthomas » Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:04 pm

David wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:47 am
A useful comment from this article summing up the attachment styles:

Avoidant attachment is “I’m better off alone period. I can satisfy my own needs better than anyone else can.”

Anxious-avoidant attachment is “I want intimacy, but I’m afraid to get too close.”



I'm not sure what this says about my MH but have over the past 25 years lurked in the twilight world somewhere between

“I’m better off alone period. I can satisfy my own needs better than anyone else can.”
and
“I want intimacy, but I’m afraid to get too close.”
...looking for the way out.

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tnthomas
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Re: I had to bail out

Post by tnthomas » Wed Jun 12, 2019 6:20 am

Today I was ready to encounter my LO at the gym, the yoga class beforehand left me with a much welcome calm, almost 'opioid' effect. However, she did not show up to the class following yoga, I was a bit relieved, but also somewhat disappointed. I felt I could maintain a friend-like demeanor with minimal or no anxiety. Oh well, this Thursday she usually attends the class I "bailed" out of last week, I feel more steady, and look forward to seeing her. No expectations, if we converse fine, if she just waves like she frequently does, no problem, I'll just smile, wave and not approach her.

Full NC is not feasible, and not really desirable. I know we are not going to be friends and that's O.K. Being acquaintances is fine, I think I can get past the chemical reactions...hopefully.
...looking for the way out.

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