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If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 64
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Fri May 17, 2019 9:12 pm

This is my inner feelings and it's a highly unwarranted, unnecessary and totally screwed up thought.

Basically, I wish that nobody will develop a LE for LO and LO will never develop a LE with anyone else and I hope she stays happily ever after with her SO.

Is this kind of shitty thought normal ?

Cookie
Posts: 539
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Cookie » Fri May 17, 2019 9:31 pm

I think it's "normal" in the world of limerence.

A member on here explained it once in a way that resonated and stuck with me: the SO came BEFORE me, so it didn't set up the same challenge as an LO who might come AFTER me. We know the excitement and intensity that the newness of an LO brings and we would be jealous of it, as well as feeling like we were discarded for someone else. Someone newer and more interesting. That feels like a loss.

I had insane jealousy of the last LO...completely irrational, and I compared myself to every woman he knew -- in real life and online. Maddening. But what it really boiled down to was the recurring fear of abandonment. Why am I not as good as them? Why am I not good enough to keep?

Again, not really about the LO at all.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 64
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Fri May 17, 2019 9:39 pm

That made a lot of sense... it's the fear of LO losing interest and or switching camps but again, she Has the absolute freedom to do what she likes, not sure how I should engineer the mind to put a total block on these unhealthy thoughts.

LE brings out a lot of irrationality in me.. obsessing over something that has no real outcome is like putting good money and averaging down in a stock that is going down in a bear market.. being in denial and compounding the mistakes.

Cookie
Posts: 539
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Cookie » Fri May 17, 2019 10:05 pm

Hopeless Lomantic wrote:
Fri May 17, 2019 9:39 pm
That made a lot of sense... it's the fear of LO losing interest and or switching camps but again, she Has the absolute freedom to do what she likes, not sure how I should engineer the mind to put a total block on these unhealthy thoughts.

LE brings out a lot of irrationality in me.. obsessing over something that has no real outcome is like putting good money and averaging down in a stock that is going down in a bear market.. being in denial and compounding the mistakes.
We all can relate, Hopeless. :(

And that's a great analogy. So to carry it further, the only thing you can do is pull all your money out of the market and buy land.

Easier said than done, I realize.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

Maddie
Posts: 832
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Maddie » Sat May 18, 2019 2:06 am

I am struggling with this too. The LO is about to be single. I have had an obsessive rumination about him being with my good friend...long story....maybe my paranoia, but not out of the realm of possibility. I have laid awake at night thinking that if he was with her I couldn't be friends with her. I'm not a good friend to anyone in LE. He will be out of pocket for a few days towards the end of next week helping his soon to be ex move out. I'm thinking....for 4 days....nah....where will he really be?
The jealousy alone is far too much.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 107
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Sat May 18, 2019 12:28 pm

I’m so relieved that others have these thoughts.

My LO took off work a couple of weeks ago when his wife was out of town. He had a great reason to be off based on what he told me. I actually went to our school’s Online schedule to see who else was off that day that he might be meeting up with/spending time with. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Because we are so obsessed with them & possessive of them, we assume they are constantly “on the prowl” looking for someone. Maybe some people are. But many people are just living their lives.

Yesnomaybeso
Posts: 55
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:11 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Yesnomaybeso » Sat May 18, 2019 1:14 pm

I get this. Limerence creates this need for control and desire for there only to be the two of you. I got jealous when their friends would tag them on Facebook. Now that’s toxic. What really scared me about limerence was the desire I had for control. If my LO contacted me and then didn’t reply to my message for days then I felt frustrated and angry and just really wanted them to message me ASAP! (like a child not getting their own way). This I suppose was my narc side coming through. You can’t and never should try and control a situation or a person. I’m ashamed that I felt this way but I guess it’s a shadow that I’m now aware of. Another instance of this was in the early days of this LE. We were drunk, and I asked if I looked ok. What I really was asking ... do you find me attractive? He paused and I could tell he didn’t know what to say.. and sort of rambled (obvs didn’t think I was) and that hurt. I basically treated him crappy the rest of the night. When he held my hand to lead me through the dance floor I barely held back. I was cold and distant and acted like they weren’t there in a way (attachment style anyone?). I felt so bad about that.. I still feel bad but yet again another shadow.. the desperate need for outside validation about my looks from.. men!

Cookie
Posts: 539
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Cookie » Sat May 18, 2019 4:50 pm

Yesnomaybeso wrote:
Sat May 18, 2019 1:14 pm
the desperate need for outside validation about my looks from.. men!
Bingo! Same here, Yesno. I was an overweight child and made to feel awful about it by my narc mom. Early anxiety and low self-esteem. Then I got tan and fit for college and KABOOM. Guys noticed. I enjoyed the attention/validation. And so began 30+ years of a ridiculous, insatiable need to be appealing to them. So when they leave it's, "Am I not pretty enough anymore?" Horribly shallow. What's weird is that last LO has very similar issues and told me so. Mirror, mirror.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 64
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Sun May 19, 2019 2:07 am

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Sat May 18, 2019 12:28 pm
I’m so relieved that others have these thoughts.

My LO took off work a couple of weeks ago when his wife was out of town. He had a great reason to be off based on what he told me. I actually went to our school’s Online schedule to see who else was off that day that he might be meeting up with/spending time with. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Because we are so obsessed with them & possessive of them, we assume they are constantly “on the prowl” looking for someone. Maybe some people are. But many people are just living their lives.
Can totally understand... I would constantly wonder who is hitting on her and observes whether she is reciprocating. The need for control and desire is super real and you just basically wish that the 2 of u r living in an invisible bubble ..

We all know this type of possessive thought is wrong and we have no rights but i simply cant help myself no totally disengage n not care...though I regard myself as having quite an acute level of self awareness..

AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 107
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: If I can't have LO, nobody should..(except her SO)

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Sun May 19, 2019 3:11 pm

https://www.ipitia.com/obsessive-jealousy/

I found this article insightful.

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