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Individuation

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Yesnomaybeso
Posts: 55
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:11 pm
Gender:
Australia

Individuation

Post by Yesnomaybeso » Fri May 10, 2019 4:30 pm

I’ve come across this term individuation a lot on this forum and never really gave it much notice until my therapist stated that the pain and uncomfortableness I was going through was a normal part of individuation. I’ve been very close to my mum for a very long time, and only this year have I realised that my mother wasn’t perfect... I’m 28 btw. So all these years I put her on a pedestal, thinking she was always there for me, loving, did everything right, just the perfect mother anyone could ask for. Now therapy has made me realise that all this was a lie. She is a lot of what I said but no one is perfect and neither is she. It was hard to hear it at the start. Made me feel guilty for some reason. Today on my way to work I was thinking about this codependency I’ve had for so long. How it’s time for me to start evolving into my own person, as scary as that sounds. I’m still extremely dependent on my mother. I feel bad that I’m slowly moving away from her, because I know she will feel a deep loneliness, and I can already feel that she does. But I also know that we’re holding each other back from being the best versions of ourselves. I don’t want to be friends with my mum anymore. I want us to be mother and daughter in a healthy way. I’m not sure what that is yet but I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually.

Would love to hear your experiences with this process.

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3649
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Individuation

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri May 10, 2019 8:19 pm

I had the same problem and boy was it tough. I think my brother is probably still in the FOG. When I joined CoDa a few years ago, I had at that point a realization that I needed to set a few boundaries with my mother. I had no idea how bad things actually were. That everything in my life was a direct result of my terrible relationship with her and the terrible survival skills she'd given me. It's like trying to pull up one visible root and finding a whole network of them and going WTF??? That's kind of the way it became with my mother. I wish I could offer more advice, but I can't, except don't feel guilty for wanting to be an adult with your own life. Our mothers surely did the same and when I finally accepted that about mine, I saw that was blatantly true. My mother might have loved her mom and dad and stepmom, but she most certainly lived her life for herself. She didn't take it so well when I decided to live my life for myself (our relationship ended), so that's what happened with me.
"If we forgive our fathers, what is left?" Thomas Builds The Fire, Smoke Signals

Idiotic
Posts: 1622
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Individuation

Post by Idiotic » Fri May 10, 2019 8:31 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Fri May 10, 2019 8:19 pm
Our mothers surely did the same and when I finally accepted that about mine, I saw that was blatantly true. My mother might have loved her mom and dad and stepmom, but she most certainly lived her life for herself. She didn't take it so well when I decided to live my life for myself (our relationship ended), so that's what happened with me.
Wow JT, that sure gave me something to think about... sadly my mum didnt get that chance, and its part of a effed up network that goes back to her own mother, which still continues...
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

Cookie
Posts: 539
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: Individuation

Post by Cookie » Fri May 10, 2019 9:41 pm

Hi YesNo,

Boundaries with mom...

It’s a process that continues, and TBH it will probably always require you setting boundaries that she very well may not like. But you get one life to live. You can’t just be an accessory in hers.

It took me until my 40s to say NO to my mom in any way and just ride the guilt trip out. When my Dad died two years ago, it left just me and her, and it exposed the worst in both of us. And re-triggered my limerence, which is really just recreating her narcissistic unavailability.

My mom is still an alcoholic and my brother died of it, mostly fueled by his hatred of her. But in therapy and my own exploration, I had a light bulb moment that all the men in her family were narcissists.

She really didn’t stand a chance.

It helped me tremendously to unpeel some of those layers. It’s been easier to forgive her. In your case, YesNo, maybe you can even talk to her about it. My mom never allows it.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

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