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New Here but the Pain is OLD

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Sheerfrost
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed May 08, 2019 1:09 pm
United States of America

New Here but the Pain is OLD

Post by Sheerfrost » Wed May 08, 2019 1:36 pm

I'm hurting and I'm not.
He lives in another state. We've been friends for about 10-15 years....I see him only once or twice a year at weekend long parties of several mutual friends. The parties are the center of my life in many ways. These are my very best friends and we always have an amazing time camping out and eating great food and some of our friends are musicians that jam together most of the weekend.
This one guy - younger than me by 7 or 8 years....has just captivated me more and more over the course of the last few years....we've also been friendly on FB and I found myself liking his posts a LOT....
I am married to someone I respect and love deeply....but we've never been terribly romantic...we were 'hot' and he's sweet and thoughtful and good to me....however the past 2 years he's been quite ill and I've taken on lots of nursing duties that do take a little of the spark out of the marriage...but we still make love and more than anything I respect him and our marriage and would not want to hurt him....
My LO is involved with a woman but 'identifies' as single and doesn't live with her....never brings her to the parties and often spends hours talking to me (and others) about all sorts of deep subjects.
I know I will sound like a breathless teenager when I say that he's one of the most brilliant people I've ever met - a real original in his thinking and a very talented musician...….I've always been happy that we are friends, but it's been extremely casual...and that's the way it NEEDS to stay....
I've talked to a girlfriend (mutual friend) about this and emphasized that it is all in my head....I'm sure he doesn't realize how fricken OFTEN (okay 24/7) I think about him. I knew it was limerence when I saw that this is an unwanted feeling....yes - I HATE IT. I feel stupid and embarrassed because it feels inappropriate...I'm thinking of seeing a shrink but honestly I'm not sure they could help me much....I know what I should be doing....however I find distracting myself very difficult. I don't sleep well....I did unfollow him on FB and then followed him again because I MISSED seeing his posts so much. That they are the highlights of my day makes me feel queasy and stupid stupid stupid. I know it's an escape and I am desperate to stop obsessing, but do not want to end the friendship - I want to control it.....I want it to go back to the occasional thoughts I had of him - fond but light - several years ago. I'm pretty sure he doesn't reciprocate my obsession - but I know he cares for me as a friend and would not want to hurt me...and I don't want to hurt him OR my husband OR myself. Sometimes it gets so bad I just want to run and run and run to get rid of the pain. I feel honest physical pain sometimes in missing him.....I'm going to see him on Memorial day....I want to feel NORMAL friendly feelings for him by then.....I saw him a while back and cried all the way home. I am really afraid of giving myself away by just ogling him like a starstruck ninny.

Trying to concentrate on DH as much as I can, but really - we tend to do our own thing and things are pretty mundane....anyway.

thanks for this site. I'm hoping I can get a bit more grounded.

daydreamer
Posts: 380
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New Here but the Pain is OLD

Post by daydreamer » Wed May 08, 2019 1:49 pm

well, you have 3 options here:
1. change nothing, continue suffering, and eventually unravel your stable marriage and friendship, and maybe even yourself.
2. full no contact (NC) for extended period of time. you'll never forget about him, but time will heal the painful wound. a lot of people go though the pathway of full disclosure (FD) and rejection to put them on the NC.
3. try to squash the romantic/sexual desires and become just a friend. very hard to do, but possible. see this sticky thread here: viewtopic.php?f=50&t=1217

good luck and don't be a stranger.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 449
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: New Here but the Pain is OLD

Post by Helpmeplease » Wed May 08, 2019 6:25 pm

Welcome SF, good to start posting here and reading.it will help steer you in the right direction and give you support. This can be rough. NC helps me, along with understanding myself. It's not easy but you will feel better over time

John
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New Here but the Pain is OLD

Post by John » Fri May 10, 2019 1:11 pm

SF, you are using this guy to fill an emotional space that is missing in your primary relationship. You need to reconnect with your DH and realize that your LO is not what you have built him up to be in your mind. NC is a necessity along with a lot of hard work from you and your DH. Have you considered telling your DH about your problem? The secret is harmful to both of you, believe me, I have been on that side of it.

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