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Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
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- Posts: 315
- Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
My LO and I are close friends, don’t talk about anything that happened between us (EA). I’m just trying to get past it in my mind. I was doing real good, feeling sane & peaceful & posted my revelations the other day.
My worst hang-up is jealousy/possessiveness. Always has been; guess I’m just insecure deep down. Outside of jealousy I would not have any issue getting past this.
Today during break somehow conversation drifted to his wild college days. He quipped that the only “holy trinity” he knew was sex, drugs & rock & roll.” He implied that he had been super promiscuous. Honestly you would never guess this dude has ever been a ladies man. Kinda dorky, quiet, short, etc. Doubtful he was ever an athlete or anything.
This conversation unnerved me and made me feel anxious & terrible. I didn’t not know him back then & he’s married now, so it doesn’t make sense why I care. I texted my sister (my support system); she said he was trying to provoke me. IDK, it worked if so, although I didn’t let on.
The best I can guess is that it makes me feel insecure, like I’m just one of many women he has “had” in his life. Just ugh. I’m so good at logical thoughts. This has nothing to do with me. WHY DO I CARE?!?! Why am I having this visceral reaction?
My worst hang-up is jealousy/possessiveness. Always has been; guess I’m just insecure deep down. Outside of jealousy I would not have any issue getting past this.
Today during break somehow conversation drifted to his wild college days. He quipped that the only “holy trinity” he knew was sex, drugs & rock & roll.” He implied that he had been super promiscuous. Honestly you would never guess this dude has ever been a ladies man. Kinda dorky, quiet, short, etc. Doubtful he was ever an athlete or anything.
This conversation unnerved me and made me feel anxious & terrible. I didn’t not know him back then & he’s married now, so it doesn’t make sense why I care. I texted my sister (my support system); she said he was trying to provoke me. IDK, it worked if so, although I didn’t let on.
The best I can guess is that it makes me feel insecure, like I’m just one of many women he has “had” in his life. Just ugh. I’m so good at logical thoughts. This has nothing to do with me. WHY DO I CARE?!?! Why am I having this visceral reaction?
Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
my take is, if you are jealous, you are still limerent and not just friends.
earlier on, i could not stand thinking about my LO having sex with her husband or even her having an extramarital affair that she had with her LO.
now that my limerence is at very low levels, i don't mind anymore and i'm actually glad that someone can pleasure her.
earlier on, i could not stand thinking about my LO having sex with her husband or even her having an extramarital affair that she had with her LO.
now that my limerence is at very low levels, i don't mind anymore and i'm actually glad that someone can pleasure her.
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- Posts: 315
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Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
Ugh, I’m sure you’re right.
Maybe just a slight relapse & I’ll bounce back. Crazy how even when you have all of this knowledge your emotions play tricks.
Maybe just a slight relapse & I’ll bounce back. Crazy how even when you have all of this knowledge your emotions play tricks.
Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
2 things
1. Its part of the process - the woopsies, the... I just sent a text, he/she caught me looking, I still care, I still have feelings (something that takes years to overcome by the way, but dont let that put you off), and never beat yourself up for taking a backward step.
2. When did you first feel this feeling? There is a bit to unpack there. It's a really good thing your sister is there for you.
Sometimes all you need is quiet time to reflect.
You are doing just fine!
1. Its part of the process - the woopsies, the... I just sent a text, he/she caught me looking, I still care, I still have feelings (something that takes years to overcome by the way, but dont let that put you off), and never beat yourself up for taking a backward step.
2. When did you first feel this feeling? There is a bit to unpack there. It's a really good thing your sister is there for you.
Sometimes all you need is quiet time to reflect.
You are doing just fine!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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- Posts: 670
- Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
I agree it sounds like you are doing fine
I struggled with when my LO talked about her past - I could not stop thinking that I wanted to be in her past (and present!). When people talk about the past like this it always sounds amazing , fun, exciting (for them) and maybe you feel you jealous as you say, or that you wanted part of it etc. What I realised is then my past would have been different too, and I would have missed things I did.
Also when LO suggests to you things which you wanted and then paint a mental picture of is super hard I wish my LO hadn't done this to me, I still remember her comments exactly and it's hard to just ignore and forget these. If your LO knows you had feelings them these comments seem unfair to me. Hard to shake them but I guess everyone has a past!
I struggled with when my LO talked about her past - I could not stop thinking that I wanted to be in her past (and present!). When people talk about the past like this it always sounds amazing , fun, exciting (for them) and maybe you feel you jealous as you say, or that you wanted part of it etc. What I realised is then my past would have been different too, and I would have missed things I did.
Also when LO suggests to you things which you wanted and then paint a mental picture of is super hard I wish my LO hadn't done this to me, I still remember her comments exactly and it's hard to just ignore and forget these. If your LO knows you had feelings them these comments seem unfair to me. Hard to shake them but I guess everyone has a past!
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Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
Thank you for the support!! This particular feeling has been a recurring theme during my life. First time it happened was over a friend back in elementary school. I was probably 7 or 8. Couldn’t stand for her to spend time with other friends, was so preoccupied with being her BEST friend. I remember feeling so tormented about this. She would go through periods where she would ignore me & focus on others & I would be so hurt. I realized several years back during another LE that this is the same feeling from childhood but I don’t know how to resolve it or what it really means!L-F wrote: ↑Wed Apr 24, 2019 4:49 am 2 things
1. Its part of the process - the woopsies, the... I just sent a text, he/she caught me looking, I still care, I still have feelings (something that takes years to overcome by the way, but dont let that put you off), and never beat yourself up for taking a backward step.
2. When did you first feel this feeling? There is a bit to unpack there. It's a really good thing your sister is there for you.
Sometimes all you need is quiet time to reflect.
You are doing just fine!
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- Posts: 315
- Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
@HMP: Sorry you have felt the same way but thanks for the support! I cannot tell whether or not he does these things (long history of similar type comments) to get a reaction from me or because he’s just being himself/comfortable around me. Do you think your LO tries to provoke?
Thanks for validating that at the very least he's being insensitive. We’ve both admitted in the past that we get jealous over each other. I have asked him at least twice (in the past) to knock it off over certain types of comments. Yesterday I was as stoic as possible & pretended like none of that talk bothered me. Maybe I should have been honest but I don’t need to be vulnerable with this man.
Thanks for validating that at the very least he's being insensitive. We’ve both admitted in the past that we get jealous over each other. I have asked him at least twice (in the past) to knock it off over certain types of comments. Yesterday I was as stoic as possible & pretended like none of that talk bothered me. Maybe I should have been honest but I don’t need to be vulnerable with this man.
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Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
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Last edited by Pattihopeful on Fri Jun 26, 2020 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
Hi AK,
I have experienced that also, had a very distinct and angry reaction to something LO said about a woman (out of jealousy), and then spent the next year beating myself up for not making any damn sense.
LO seemed shocked by it, and backed up his statement that upset me, apologizing for no reason. I was reminded again that the "thing" that triggers us with LO is really an old thing, and somehow the LO brings it to the surface, without even knowing it.
I hate being needy/clingy/jealous, so the face I show to the world is the opposite of any of those things. That's why its additionally frustrating for me that this is the side that LO sees. I wanted LO to see my perfect side! Always and forever!
This is about you, and even though you are on a journey, the LO will sometimes get caught in the cross hairs as the object of your desire. Or better yet, the object that you are misfiring about. It happens. I've been doing SO well in terms of staying disconnected and aloof with LO, and then just last week I've made it known that I still am hopelessly thinking of him.
I just have to get back to it. Focusing on healing myself and my old wounds.
I have experienced that also, had a very distinct and angry reaction to something LO said about a woman (out of jealousy), and then spent the next year beating myself up for not making any damn sense.
LO seemed shocked by it, and backed up his statement that upset me, apologizing for no reason. I was reminded again that the "thing" that triggers us with LO is really an old thing, and somehow the LO brings it to the surface, without even knowing it.
I hate being needy/clingy/jealous, so the face I show to the world is the opposite of any of those things. That's why its additionally frustrating for me that this is the side that LO sees. I wanted LO to see my perfect side! Always and forever!
This is about you, and even though you are on a journey, the LO will sometimes get caught in the cross hairs as the object of your desire. Or better yet, the object that you are misfiring about. It happens. I've been doing SO well in terms of staying disconnected and aloof with LO, and then just last week I've made it known that I still am hopelessly thinking of him.
I just have to get back to it. Focusing on healing myself and my old wounds.
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- Posts: 670
- Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Re: Help understanding/countering these feelings & thoughts
AK - I am not sure. It's a mix between being sure she knows I had feelings for her (probably thinks it was a crush) and me thinking she is a kind person. So in this framework I think she would not kbow the damage it could do to me, probably thought it was a bit of a safe tease. Alternatives: I am so far in friend zone that it was natural thing for her to say as it was on her mind or it was a comment to reel me back in (and damage my mental health in doing so) - I really hope (and like to believe) its not this. I don't actually know. I so badly wanted to know before, what she felt, why she said these things, I am trying to let go of wanting to know. When it enters your mind, let is exit too, without letting it sit there for analysis (if possible!)
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