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Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Luvsick
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:55 am
Australia

Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Luvsick » Thu Mar 14, 2019 9:15 pm

Hi guys,

This thought occurred to me and I think in some cases it’s true that LO added excitement to our lives or made us feel some kinda way and we miss that more than the person themselves. That’s been the purpose of every LO I have had. I would never call it LOVE... it’s always been a matter of becoming fixated on someone I found really attractive and getting a high from interacting with, or even just looking at. Then being motivated by that attraction to become better myself.

I know it’s not love because I can develop a new LO as soon as I go NC from the last one and the new one is ALWAYS better than the last one, and i’ll look back at the last one and think “what was I thinking?” And immediately be able to see flaws and reasons this person and I wouldn’t have been compatible. In the throes of limerence I can’t see any of that, I just need this persons adoration and affection and attention.

Yes that’s what it is- wanting something from them, not wanting to be anything to them or do anything for them if that makes sense? Perhaps limerence is purely selfish and comes from a place of ego. I know it does for me. Primarily because I can be quite cruel to LO once they’re not reciprocal.

It’s been a relief to learn it’s not love. Can anyone else relate to knowing for certain it’s not love?

I’ve come to realise it’s simply that I get a high from an attractive person, because I fail to find fulfilment in hobbies or anywhere else, attention from them is my energy source.. my high comes from meeting an attractive person and interacting with them - which then leads to crushing lows - fatigue, nausea, anxiety, depression- when I can’t see them or talk to them or when they don’t reciprocate. It’s a high as well as distraction because of the game of do they-don’t they- and analysing every look, word, interaction. It’s a buzz.


Does this resonate with anyone else?

daydreamer
Posts: 401
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by daydreamer » Thu Mar 14, 2019 10:06 pm

Luvsick wrote:
Thu Mar 14, 2019 9:15 pm
It’s been a relief to learn it’s not love.
good for you, but there are instances that genuine love starts with limerence (aka obsessive love aka addictive love) and then subsides to long term affection that we call mature love. Even Dorothy Tennov wrote about it in her book.
According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, which she describes as, among other things, "loving attachment", and "loving affection"
from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

later authors want to describe limerence as only a pathologic state, and I don't agree with that, as the lines are blurred.

Pudding
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Pudding » Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:52 pm

Oops
Last edited by Pudding on Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
F 38
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015

Pudding
Posts: 737
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Pudding » Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:52 pm

Pudding wrote:
Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:52 pm
I would say I’m 95% but I still have LC with LO that is both unpredictable and intermittent. It is definitely about how he made me feel, not him. I know it isn’t love. I know that right now my brain is still trying to get a bit of a hit when I’m around him, but it isn’t working so that part of my brain is getting a bit confused and frustrated. I think my brain misses how he made me feel because it was such a high, a good feeling, compared to the grief and depression I was dealing with. And now I still have some depression but my old go-to pick-me-up is failing. If it were love that wouldn’t happen. And once the possibility of seeing him is removed for a longer period of time (like for the next six weeks I know it will be nearly impossible), I don’t much care.
F 38
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015

Endgame
Posts: 248
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Endgame » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:26 pm

Is it always right to try and analyse these feelings in the same breath as love eg but it isn't love because...

Is love just a framework we're conditioned to understand these types of feelings and dependencies through?

What if it's something different entirely, not even of the same genre.

That hit you get; does the person you're interacting with need to be physically attractive? How much of it is about the physical vs the interaction vs just YOU full stop?

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3651
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by JupiterTaco » Sun Mar 17, 2019 1:31 am

No and no, it wasn't ultimately worth the cost in the end.
"If we forgive our fathers, what is left?" Thomas Builds The Fire, Smoke Signals

Spinnaker
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Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Spinnaker » Mon Mar 18, 2019 10:39 pm

:ymsigh:
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Cookie
Posts: 547
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Cookie » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:02 am

Endgame wrote:
Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:26 pm
Is it always right to try and analyse these feelings in the same breath as love eg but it isn't love because...

Is love just a framework we're conditioned to understand these types of feelings and dependencies through?

What if it's something different entirely, not even of the same genre.

That hit you get; does the person you're interacting with need to be physically attractive? How much of it is about the physical vs the interaction vs just YOU full stop?
Only one of mine has been what I (and probably others) would describe as physically attractive. The others have just had a cute, funny charm -- which apparently is like candy to me. They have all told me in the end that they sought me out for my physical appearance, which may sound egotistical but makes me incredibly sad because I thought we had connected on a much deeper level. It's all heartbreaking to me now. None of it was real, but I was willing to try to make it real. They were not.
Female, age 53
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 or so LOs in the last 25 years
...all reciprocated (don't wish for it)
Getting better and owning my life again!

Pandora
Posts: 296
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by Pandora » Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:04 am

A bit of both, honestly. There were some discussions that we had that I really enjoyed, and I wish that I could be friends with him for those. But a lot of the time I wasn't that into what we were talking about, and I just kept the conversation going so I could keep getting that high when I got a new message from him.

He's a lovely man, but it would be interesting to see how I would have truly felt about him if limerence hadn't gotten in my way.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3651
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Do you miss the LO or the way they made you feel?

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:29 pm

Scratch my last post actually. I think a part of me still misses the feelings I had with elementary school LO, but I don't think it's about missing the limerence as much as the problems I didn't think I had at that age. That was before my mom's drinking got really bad, and other things that happened happened, etc.
"If we forgive our fathers, what is left?" Thomas Builds The Fire, Smoke Signals

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