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I was in a FWB situation with a coworker who I quickly fell in love with and it was a very intense year and half. He broke it off twice, both times I was amicable and I would get back to him shortly after. It was so obvious to me that we could be together if he could just love me, why didn't he love me, it would just be so easy. It was the only thing I wanted. But he clearly never respected me. Never felt close to what I felt for him. We hung out all the time, texted every night, it was a relationship. But he kept saying it wasn't.
When he broke it off the final time (he'd gotten together with someone else) I was devastated and incredibly hurt. I cried all day everyday for a long time.
He said he wanted to try and be friends. I went over once and barely lasted 15 minutes before breaking down in front of him. No more one-on-one hangs. Had to still work with this guy and we were rarely face to face so it was ok for a bit. Then he started bringing his girlfriend around. I'm a meek and quiet person, I never speak up, but I do believe I yelled something to the effect of "I will not be around these fucking assholes!" to their faces. Luckily he quit soon after that. Haven't been around him since
I was so full of vitriol and hatred I think I felt that horrible disgusting feeling constantly for over a year. I went to counselling. I still go for a myriad of other reasons. I still get that feeling from time to time but not nearly as much as I used to.
He and the girlfriend have since messaged me, independently. She sent an apology, with explanations and understanding and I wrote her back with my own apology, understandings and explanations. He sent a hey and link to a dumb youtube video and I said hey back and waited for something more respectable. Still haven't received it. Don't really care if I do.
We still have a lot of mutual friends. They ask my current boyfriend if its ok if we're at the same gathering or party and I always say no. I'm going to start confronting these people, if they're going to ask just ask me. I've been very open about this whole situation to anyone that has asked because I'm not ashamed. I feel like the understanding is that I'm the weak one and he's the golden boy and therefore the better person in this situation. He's a dick who hurt me. I'm under no obligation to forgive or get over and move on and pretend that I didn't feel like my body was taken over by steaming black tar everyday.
So while I'm no longer obsessing over this person (it's been 2 and half years) I'm very scared of the ramifications that I'm experiencing now. I don't think I've had a positive physical response to emotion since this ordeal, which is really scary. Like maybe I've been "scarred for life" I haven't felt anything in my heart, I feel like anything I do is more out of what I know I should do. I just feel blank. I've tried to bring this up with my counsellor but they don't really get what I'm getting at. Has my heart been stomped on and torn apart and ripped to shreds beyond repair that it's now just a shell? I'm especially scared that I will never get that heart-bursting feeling with my current BF. I know its contradictory to love someone you don't really feel anything for, but I'm in love with him and we're both devoted to each other and all I want is the heart-burst. I would give anything to have the heart-burst back.
If you're gotten this far thank you for reading. I'm sure this is very common type of story. I haven't laid everything out like this in a long time. I didn't want to get into too many details as part of healing has been to not think about it so there are some roads I don't want to go back down. But if there is other discussion about feeling blank and no emotion I would appreciate being directed to it, I'd rather not continue to live like this. Thanks
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