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Dilemma...

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
MrSpock
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Dilemma...

Post by MrSpock » Tue Mar 12, 2019 8:34 pm

Hi,

I found myself caught in a cycle in which after each time I see her, I need to book me an hours-long session of self conversation in order to talk me out of doing something that goes completely against "limerence common sense". The reason I have to talk myself out of it, again and again, is that I have a really strong feeling that a particular scenario is likely enough to prompt me to do something. The problem is that everything I can think of doing is a bad idea, yet I can't just ignore it.

Well, I could easly ignore it, if I just dismiss the scenario. But for reasons that I can't really present, as you would have to be there and see for yourself, I just can't rule out this scenario and if it is real, then is highly critical and I really shouldn't ignore it.

As you likely guessed by now, the scenario I'm referring to is the exact opposite of the now famous "LF's Santa Klauss" :)

The scenario is: "what if she is limerent for me"? I know this is every limerents dream, is what we all wish, so I absolutely get it that is likely just wishful thinking, that and I'm not seeing clearly. I also know that many of you here thought the same, or close, and in the end found out it wasn't like that at all. But here's the thing, every bit of objective evidence, even if I filter it through the limerent subjectivity of the observer (me), suggests that this is a seriously realistic possibility.

And, if it is, I really can't handle this the way I would if it is all one sided. I really can't.

For example, if this were really completely one-sided, in the absent of NC, I could just act cold and mostly ignore her, beyond a simple hi, exactly as I do with the other girls in the class. Not that is easy, and I probably couldn't without a lot of work, but right now I'm not even trying. And while, obviously, the main reason I' not even trying is because I don't want to, because I want to get as close to her as I can, otherwise I wouldn't be here and would have been cured, there is also the added reason that I don't think I should do that, not unless I can first create the proper context so that she doesn't get hurt in case I'm right about her feelings.

But that's the problem. I cannot switch to acting cold and distant out of the blue, without any explanation, not when I can't rule out the scenario I considered above. But to explain anything I need to talk to her. And to talk to her I need to meet outside the class, in private, and lay out at least a minimum amount of details about my own feelings. I don't need to poor my guts out but at least I need to disclose that what I feel is strong enough to have me do what I do (which is to jump every time she sneezes), even though I'm married and don't really want to start anything at all with her.

I keep thinking that I should just do that, but common limerence sense tells me is a bad idea. And I can't just say "she is not limerent for you so just don't fool yourself and forget about this", that's not what the evidence seems to suggest.

And I can't just do it, not only because is a generally bad idea that would likely just expose myself, and for no reason since is likely that I'm reading it all wrong. There is an even stronger reason:

The idea of talking to her comes from the idea that she might be limerent for me too, and I don't want to start ignoring her out of the blue, because she would be really hurt not knowing why. But, if I do talk to her then act cold all of the sudden, it might, in reality, hurt her even more if she knows why and she's herself limerent. And if she isn't, then having talked to her served no purpose.

So as you can see, the "truth table" for "talking to her works" turns out false in all cases, but that just leaves me not knowing what do to if I seriously consider the possibility that this is not one sided. I just can't do whatever I want.

Other than "she's not limerent for you" so none of this matters, what do you think? How could I keep finding my way out of this if that were the case?

daydreamer
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by daydreamer » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:14 pm

i dunno, when i was limerent, especially initially, i was positive the feelings were 2-sided, it felt obvious at that time.
only later the LO provided clues to the otherwise, but it took a clear rejection to sink in and break my limerence.
maybe she likes men looking at her and she looks back? maybe she is just flirty?

if it bugs you, just ask (not sure how).

MrSpock
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by MrSpock » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:24 pm

daydreamer wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:14 pm
maybe she likes men looking at her and she looks back? maybe she is just flirty?
That is indeed the scenario that I think has about 90% chance.

I find it odd that she swings from a lots of attention to total avoidance in the same hour. All the other flirty cases I've encountered are usually quite consistent. And none lasted two years with the exact same patterns as in her case. She can go out of her way to place herself right next to me and start talking at the beginning of the class, then walk right past me without even looking and leaving without saying goodbye at the end.

But yes, I agree that's the most likely case.

My problem is that the other 10% chance is large enough to make me want to consider it seriously.

MrSpock
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by MrSpock » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:33 pm

daydreamer wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:14 pm
i dunno, when i was limerent, especially initially, i was positive the feelings were 2-sided, it felt obvious at that time.
only later the LO provided clues to the otherwise, but it took a clear rejection to sink in and break my limerence.
maybe she likes men looking at her and she looks back? maybe she is just flirty?
It just occurred to me that we need is some sort of collective wisdom on this very topic. Like a field research on the distance between the perceptions and the reality from those who got a chance to see it. My own experiences here do not actually align with the idea that she doesn't like me, and I have been limerent all my life, so I have a few of those.

But I'll make a separate post as a "call for experiences" :)

daydreamer
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by daydreamer » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:37 pm

to clarify, my LO did like me, even a lot, especially after all I did for her, just not in the romantic sense. that was the part that confused me a lot.

L-F
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by L-F » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:34 am

The question I pose to you is... 'so what?'

So what if she is limerent?

What do you think you'd do?
Run off with her to live happily ever after in lalaland?

Its no different to a fat old white man marring a mail order bride. He gets a maid and sex toy, and she gets residency and hopefully his wealth. Win/win. So what?

What kind of connection are you looking for? Find the answer to that and you have the answer to your marital problems.

Sounds harsh I know. I get that. LO limerent for us or not takes us deeper into the rabbit hole and away from the real issues that we are not prepared to face, hence projecting it on to poor souls who don't deserve our childish behavior.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

Cookie
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by Cookie » Wed Mar 13, 2019 3:01 am

L-F wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:34 am
The question I pose to you is... 'so what?'

So what if she is limerent?

What do you think you'd do?
I was heading in this same direction: Then what?

It seems this is all still boiling down to your need to be validated by this woman. Instead of being validated by the meaningful things in your life. It’s so...shallow.

I can say, having been an LO with (artificial) reciprocal feelings, you still end up right back where you started. It doesn’t prove a thing, other than the fact there can always be compounded dysfunction.

And more than likely, she will be the first one to run.
Female, age 53
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 or so LOs in the last 25 years
...all reciprocated (don't wish for it)
Getting better and owning my life again!

Idiotic
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by Idiotic » Wed Mar 13, 2019 4:20 am

This reminds me of NVTS's post where he deliberates whether or not to tell his LO what he's been feeling.
And the general response has been , don't do it.
I don't know the age of this girl, maybe she's not really emotionally experienced enough to know what's happening. Maybe she won't be able to handle it if you told her , so it's better not to. I think people in their early twenties are just like kids , they think they are old enough, but they're not really [-x
But having said that it's really your decision. Cos we don't know how is that you feel, or she feels, or why you feel you have to do it.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

MrSpock
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by MrSpock » Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:36 am

It is true that finding out how she feels changes nothing. Is not that I would run off with her if she reciprocated. I never wanted to have anything with her, which is why we never ever talked outside the class, and that is not going to change.

So I completely understand why @LF and @Cookie responses is that I shouldn't want to know she feels. And you are right, I don't, except maybe to get a straight up rejection. But I certainly better not ever know she feels the same, it would absolutely backfire.

I see however that I was not clear at all. My question wasn't about whether I should or should not talk to her. I know I shouldn't, and I won't do it. That's easy. I'm sorry I was so confusing (though I did say in the beginning of my post that I decided not to talk to her, that was quite settled).

Naturally, I keep finding apparently legit excuses to talk to her, but each time I dig deep into my true intentions and is always the same, I need to know how she feels to resolve the uncertainty that fuels this limerence. But also, I always talk myself out of it, because talking to her about it is the way in, not the way out.

So let me start over to see if I can better address the dilema. Is not about whether I should disclose or not...

When the classes split, I thought we would at most cross each other on the hallways. But that's not how it really is. There is like a 5 minutes overlap between the two classes. Five minutes of her, way over my head.

During those minutes we follow the usual dance, that only keeps me hooked. So, what should I do? There is a simple, straight answer: drop the dance and minimize contact. Say hi at the beginning, then mind my own business until she is just gone.

That is the plan. Is a good plan, and I'm getting better at it. The last class, for example, I only looked at her 4 times during those 5 minutes. Granted, it is an up hill battle. I end up exhausted just from forcing myself to look in the opposite direction until she leaves, but it will work in the end.

So, what's the problem? Why am I bothering you with a dilema if I have a good plan and I'm pulling it off?

Here's why:

The last time I looked at her, at that last class, I got a very strong feeling that she was hurt. Granted, is a fact that it hurts me to ignore her like I did, so most likely I'm just projecting, thinking I'm hurting her as well. I realized that and decided to don't mind how she might feel and just make sure I stick to the plan. But, each time I picture myself doing that, looking the other way on purpose to minimize contact, this really strong feeling that she will get hurt is like a voice shouting from the inside.

So the dilema is, I really do need to stick to the plan, but how do I do that taking her potential feelings into account? I need to put as much distance between as possible, but that can affect her really badly.

The dilema is not about whether to talk or not talk to her, is about doing whatever I need to do, but factoring her feelings in, without knowing them, since I won't talk to her to find out.

But don't worry, I figured it out already.

I was looking at the way to factor in her unknown feelings the wrong way.

For my own limerence, what I need to do is minimize contact. Increase the distance between us as much as I can. But were she limerent herself, that is also what I would need to do for her limerence.
So, even though she could get really hurt if all of the sudden I start ignoring her, that's very precisely what she needs me to do if she would indeed get hurt, because that is what I need to do for myself even though it really hurts.

So, even factoring in all her possible feelings, the plan is the right one and I just need to stick to it.
Last edited by MrSpock on Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

MrSpock
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Re: Dilemma...

Post by MrSpock » Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:41 am

Idiotic wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 4:20 am
This reminds me of NVTS's post where he deliberates whether or not to tell his LO what he's been feeling.
And the general response has been , don't do it.
Right. I entertained the same idea a hundred times and the conclusion is always that rejection would totally work, but reciprocation would make things way worse, so the net balance of possibilities is completely negative.
Idiotic wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 4:20 am
I don't know the age of this girl, maybe she's not really emotionally experienced enough to know what's happening. Maybe she won't be able to handle it if you told her , so it's better not to. I think people in their early twenties are just like kids , they think they are old enough, but they're not really [-x
She's only 24, so you make a good point. Not only it can totally backfire for me, it can be way over her head and might even trigger feelings that might not be there now.

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