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Welcome to the forum. Your story is really sad and I'm really sorry both both of you. All I can tell you for now is that you need to think of him as an addict. As the worst kind of addict in fact.
It might help to read or watch about stories of drug addicts, how they turn from the perfect adorable kids into zombies willing to sell a liver for a fix, because what we suffer from is not that different.
Stay strong and try to read the stories here to see if you can begin to understand the torment we endure and for many here the life-changing mistakes that are done.
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if so, maybe there is a hope to save the relationship.
if not, no hope.
now, most people/friends will tell you to divorce, but you have to decide for yourself, if that's the best option for you.
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It is so sad to read your story and I feel so much sorrow for you!
Actually, the mere fact he did all this does not say anything about him suffering from limerence or not. But maybe dealing with the topic of limerence could help him defining if it was what happened to him or not. There are so many things in life that can make people do so many stupid things or change as a person. Especially since the two of you have so much live experience which has so much impact.
So by introducing him to the word and the theory, maybe you could help him sort himself out. But maybe not. In any way, it is worth giving it a shot, no matter if you want to get back together with him or not. Self-reflexion is the most powerful tool we as human beings have, and you have to gain knowledge and understanding to reflect on yourself constantly. So giving people knowlege and feedback is key for each of us to develop. This does not have anything to do with wether you want to get back together wih him, it is just giving him a hand in "healing". Even if he decides this is not what happened to him, it is helpful.
But at the same time, you have to decide for yourself if you can forgive him or not. I can advice you from personal experience to not make this decision depend too much on the reasons he had done all this. You have to care for your own wellbeing and the heart is a difficult little thing, it is hurt no matter the whys and hows. So keep it dear and look out for it
I myself got psychological education and still, this does not protect you from this or that mental illness or doing stupid mistakes. Only thing I can tell you from the view of a married limerence sufferer who fortunately by now never gave in to it, it is my worst nightmare to one day maybe do all those stupid things my limerent episodes suggest to me, losing control over my life and my decisions. I am heartbroken already for I love my husband dearly and I could never see any harm done to him. So I just hope I will be able to find a way to make it go away or at least stay as controlled as I have always been for the rest of my life (ugh, this sounds horrible to me already, all this fighting and suffering and hiding). I don't know what other people here suffering from limerence would say, but if it feels to them the way it does to me, they might support this statement.
Just a few random thought that came to my mind reading your story.
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He is a professional who went through what your husband went through & eventually reconciled with his wife. He has very common sense, logical advice for both parties involved betrayed spouse & cheater.
I wish you the best.
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One thing I have to tell you about experiencing limerance is that it feels like my brain has been hijacked. The man I am limerant for is like a mix of ingredients that pushes buttons. I also am grieving the loss of my mom. It is strange, I know my husband is such a better man and is more who I am attracted to physically, but this man has a hold on me. I am not sure how I'd react if he made a pass at me. I know its wrong!
I hope you can sort this out and determine what is best. I hope you find support here. Thanks for posting as I see what hurt I could cause my husband.
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