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This Just Hurts

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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ladybrook
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Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 5:41 pm
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This Just Hurts

Post by ladybrook » Tue Mar 12, 2019 7:53 pm

I am not so sure I am anywhere that might help me understand . But I will tell my story anyway...the very short version. I am the wife of a man that appears to have had a mid-life crisis. We have been married over 30 years and have 4 grown children. He became discontent , angry and wanted "out of the marriage". Told me he has wanted out for "years". He NEVER said a word to me in all those years. He left our home, abandoned his children, quit his job, moved to another city and ...had an "affair' with an acquaintance of mine. This affair was going on for 6 months before he left and I was utterly clueless . "She" spoke with me, my kids ( all the while in a relationship with their father ) and must be soulless to be able to do what she did. I am struggling with PTSD , a sense of betrayal that I never even knew existed and deep deep shock and anguish. I have been told about "limerance" and that for a man to do this , he may be experiencing limerance. He was pretty clear that he no longer loved me , had not for years , never should have married me etc etc ... . Now ( 9 months later ) he "made a mistake". He wants forgiveness and to "fix " everything he broke. I am pretty sure it is not fixable. How would a wife EVER overcome the knowing that he had a passionate , sexual experience with another women ? The "movies " in my head could push a person to the edge , the lies, the blame ?? He must have "loved her " in some profound way to leave all of us behind. I could never replicate the entense experience I am guessing he had ... and who would want to ? Sickening. WHY? Why does this happen ? Who can overcome such devastation. He tells me he had some kind of "breakdown" and that "she" meant nothing . ( that disrespect to women makes me want to puek) ...given that I have daughters . He is in therapy , shows remorse, ( not nearly enough ) his affair - person thrown in the dumpster where he found her ... and now what ?

MrSpock
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Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Argentina

Re: This Just Hurts

Post by MrSpock » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:00 pm

Hi ladybrook.

Welcome to the forum. Your story is really sad and I'm really sorry both both of you. All I can tell you for now is that you need to think of him as an addict. As the worst kind of addict in fact.

It might help to read or watch about stories of drug addicts, how they turn from the perfect adorable kids into zombies willing to sell a liver for a fix, because what we suffer from is not that different.

Stay strong and try to read the stories here to see if you can begin to understand the torment we endure and for many here the life-changing mistakes that are done.

Best

daydreamer
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Re: This Just Hurts

Post by daydreamer » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:07 pm

is he able to open himself and explain exactly what he went though (in great details)?
if so, maybe there is a hope to save the relationship.
if not, no hope.
now, most people/friends will tell you to divorce, but you have to decide for yourself, if that's the best option for you.

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palimpalim
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2019 8:13 pm
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Re: This Just Hurts

Post by palimpalim » Tue May 14, 2019 9:20 am

hi ladybrook,

It is so sad to read your story and I feel so much sorrow for you!

Actually, the mere fact he did all this does not say anything about him suffering from limerence or not. But maybe dealing with the topic of limerence could help him defining if it was what happened to him or not. There are so many things in life that can make people do so many stupid things or change as a person. Especially since the two of you have so much live experience which has so much impact.

So by introducing him to the word and the theory, maybe you could help him sort himself out. But maybe not. In any way, it is worth giving it a shot, no matter if you want to get back together with him or not. Self-reflexion is the most powerful tool we as human beings have, and you have to gain knowledge and understanding to reflect on yourself constantly. So giving people knowlege and feedback is key for each of us to develop. This does not have anything to do with wether you want to get back together wih him, it is just giving him a hand in "healing". Even if he decides this is not what happened to him, it is helpful.
But at the same time, you have to decide for yourself if you can forgive him or not. I can advice you from personal experience to not make this decision depend too much on the reasons he had done all this. You have to care for your own wellbeing and the heart is a difficult little thing, it is hurt no matter the whys and hows. So keep it dear and look out for it :)

I myself got psychological education and still, this does not protect you from this or that mental illness or doing stupid mistakes. Only thing I can tell you from the view of a married limerence sufferer who fortunately by now never gave in to it, it is my worst nightmare to one day maybe do all those stupid things my limerent episodes suggest to me, losing control over my life and my decisions. I am heartbroken already for I love my husband dearly and I could never see any harm done to him. So I just hope I will be able to find a way to make it go away or at least stay as controlled as I have always been for the rest of my life (ugh, this sounds horrible to me already, all this fighting and suffering and hiding). I don't know what other people here suffering from limerence would say, but if it feels to them the way it does to me, they might support this statement.

Just a few random thought that came to my mind reading your story.

AnnieKaye9924
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Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: This Just Hurts

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Wed May 15, 2019 2:04 am

I’m so very sorry. It would be hard for me to get over as well. If you haven’t already, check out Joe Beam at marriagehelper.com

He is a professional who went through what your husband went through & eventually reconciled with his wife. He has very common sense, logical advice for both parties involved betrayed spouse & cheater.

I wish you the best.

Pattihopeful
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Re: This Just Hurts

Post by Pattihopeful » Wed May 15, 2019 12:54 pm

So sorry you went through this!I second the Marriage Helper. As somebody who is limerant for someone, the website describes it perfectly. Look up books by Dave Carder. He has written several books on affairs. Another intriguing concept is mate poaching. Given that she is an aquaintance of yours, she could be a mate poacher.

One thing I have to tell you about experiencing limerance is that it feels like my brain has been hijacked. The man I am limerant for is like a mix of ingredients that pushes buttons. I also am grieving the loss of my mom. It is strange, I know my husband is such a better man and is more who I am attracted to physically, but this man has a hold on me. I am not sure how I'd react if he made a pass at me. I know its wrong!

I hope you can sort this out and determine what is best. I hope you find support here. Thanks for posting as I see what hurt I could cause my husband.

marko
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Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: This Just Hurts

Post by marko » Wed May 22, 2019 3:59 pm

I feel like your husband as most of here do those things. I didn't have a physical affair and my initial spiral was the loss of my dad--but it only uncovered a life where I feel lost and alone. I couldn't develop close intimacy, yet you wouldn't know it. I plowed on like a normal person not knowing how internally I would deal with these feelings of inadequacy and my anxiety--which tells me even my best is trash. No matter the life long wound, at that extreme bottom, we tend to fixate on a person that erases all that. It's a projection of self protection and has more to do with ourselves than that person. 2 years for me to figure it out. It gives me no pleasure nor healing to figure it out or undo the damage.

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