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Can you get closure?

Discussion about the way back.
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L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F » Sun Mar 24, 2019 1:28 am

Nah... don't have time for tennis. And not interested in making friends with op gender. I dont have the need.

Stay strong Metsfan! Work on those boundaries B-)
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

Helpmeplease
Posts: 513
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:13 pm

Hey metsfan just wondering how you are getting on with NC and if you are getting to a better place with all this - just curious of life excluding LO seems more stable but flatter or better?

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Tue Apr 02, 2019 1:19 pm

Better place certainly. I’m still analyzing her last texts in my mind too much though. It was a firm rejection by someone who is very immature and thinks very black and white - i.e. she has a new boyfriend, no place for me anymore. That’s fine, it’s what I need to get over this. Not having new interactions to fuss over is enormously beneficial. Life is quieter, I’ve been able to focus more on my SO, kids, physical fitness, career and mental health. I’m in a pretty good place. She still occupies my thoughts, but they aren’t happy thoughts, more me processing the mistakes I made, the signs I missed. There was codependency and narcissistic behavior for sure, I’ve not really experienced it before so I’m digging into why. Learning more about myself. It’s a slow but fairly steady process.

Helpmeplease
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Mon Apr 15, 2019 9:05 pm

How are you getting on MetsFan?

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Tue Apr 16, 2019 8:28 am

I’m doing OK HMP, thanks. It’s 4 weeks since LO and I swapped a couple of texts, and whilst I still catch myself ruminating on them, and there is a still a pang of pain at how she seems to have moved on, I can see that it was a useful exercise for me. I’m no longer seeing LO as being wounded by me going NC and thus I’m not feeling guilty anymore. Maybe her being upset was somewhat true, but I suspect it was wishful thinking based on a few snippets of things I’d heard from other people and I’d built up this narrative in my mind. So it’s good that it’s gone.

That has been a large problem with going NC but me staying at the workplace (and her leaving instead). Her ghost is still there - little reminders, her name coming up in conversation, me knowing she still sees various people in the office. I know she had lunch with one of the guys that works for me a few weeks back for instance, and her and one of the girls on the team hang out at the weekend now. I have a meeting later with someone I know LO has told about “us” and the way it ended. I’m sure I was painted to be the bad guy and I don’t know whether to bring it up to defend myself or not. Things like that mean there’s just enough oxygen to keep this LE alive, and I think I’d be further along in this recovery if I could have eradicated her completely.

That said NC is certainly working. I haven’t seen her face to face in over 4 months. The image is starting to blur and she’s not there anymore to look me in the eyes, twirl her hair and say things to make me laugh and bring me back in. So there’s space for the bad things about her to exist now. I can be more realistic about her and what I was trying to achieve. I can focus on my mental and physical fitness (both of which are taking up an increasingly large amount of my thoughts). I’ve even found myself very occasionally thinking about someone else in the office, a similarly pretty girl, a few years older than LO. We’re a bit flirty and she recently opened up about not enjoying her job. What’s interesting is I stopped myself from offering help. I recognized that as being the slippery slope I fell down with LO and pulled back. Hopefully that is some form of growth...

Helpmeplease
Posts: 513
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Tue Apr 16, 2019 5:01 pm

Sounds like good program MetsFan. I understand the comment on ghost at work :( it will take some time for the ghost to be exhorsied

Good to get rid of guilt and I think you need to keep work conversations on work topics and don't defend yourself

Yep - dont get another LO!!!

Hopeless Lomantic
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Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Tue Apr 16, 2019 5:25 pm

Hmp & mf, I find similarities in our stories..

Co-worker .. female LO. White knights syndrome..felt like we were led on ...felt there was sth brewing in a big way.. love the exclusivity and secrecy of the interactions w LO..

Ha.. can already see a pattern for the ingredients/fuel needed for a LE..

Let's help each other along..

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:32 pm

Yes lots of similarities HL. Workplace LEs seem very common, which makes sense given the proximity we have with a potential LO and the uncertainty created by the fear of expressing any feeling.

For me though it’s my first workplace LE despite nearly 20 years in an office now. So I think there were a few things that all culminated together to create a perfect storm.

- me approaching 40, feeling old and unfulfilled. Her 19 at the time, full of youth and fun. The classic time for my mind to wander.
- Me being an introvert by nature, used to putting up walls, not making friends easily. LO just smashed them down and treated me like a pal almost straight away. Very rare.
- Her vulnerability - she asked me for help with her career initially and later home-life too. The knight rescuing the princess - aren’t we all taken in by that? “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope...”
- Her beauty, but specifically that she’s just my type. If I designed a women on a computer she’d look pretty much like LO. Again rare for me to get to know someone like that.
- Being her boss. Lots of reasons to chat, 1:1 meetings, contact outside of office hours, etc. Constant fuel for the LE.

Those things on their own probably OK, but the combo I think just overwhelmed me.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 513
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:31 pm

I tick most of these. I had a really rough time at work and she saw this and offered me help. Which expanded into my personal life and I offered her the same If she had LE for me (she doesn't ) then she could easily cite white knight for me!

Metsfan - one thing I am doing is spending lots of time and money on family holidays. Worth doing if possible

Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 119
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:54 pm

MetsFan wrote:
Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:32 pm

- me approaching 40, feeling old and unfulfilled. Her 19 at the time, full of youth and fun. The classic time for my mind to wander.

- Me being an introvert by nature, used to putting up walls, not making friends easily. LO just smashed them down and treated me like a pal almost straight away. Very rare.

- Her vulnerability - she asked me for help with her career initially and later home-life too. The knight rescuing the princess - aren’t we all taken in by that? “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope...”
- Her beauty, but specifically that she’s just my type. If I designed a women on a computer she’d look pretty much like LO. Again rare for me to get to know someone like that.
- Being her boss. Lots of reasons to chat, 1:1 meetings, contact outside of office hours, etc. Constant fuel for the LE.

Those things on their own probably OK, but the combo I think just overwhelmed me.
Almost 100% match except LO age .. 1st LE too..

Guess it must have hurt abit to know she's been mtg some other colleagues for catch up and u must be wondering what hap to the previous close rs that you used to have with her and wondering isnt she yr bff..

Time will heal .. hang in there

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