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Can you get closure?

Discussion about the way back.
MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:40 am

yes i went into NC angry and hurt by her actions, and even though I'd resolved to go NC long before that, I kind of lost sight of the reason which was to rid myself of the limerence and focus back on my SO. Instead I was going NC because of what she'd done rather than because it was the right thing to do. After 3m the anger had gone, I was feeling in a much better headspace, and didn't like the messy way I'd left things. We were close, she looked up to me, I didn't want her to think ill of me, particularly as we work in the same industry, and know lots of the same people. So I wanted to tidy things up.

Right now I wish I hadn't bothered because I opened myself up a bit, and she's pretty brutally shoved it back in my face. My ego is bruised. But there's a gift in that, there's nothing left to see here anymore, shes moved on and I don't need to feel guilty about it. I now need to refocus on my recovery, my SO and family. NC restarts today and its going to be longer than the last one (unless we bump into each other I guess).

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L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F » Sat Mar 23, 2019 12:50 am

MetsFan wrote:
Thu Mar 14, 2019 8:44 pm
My SO has specifically asked me to cut LO out of my life, and I have to respect that despite so much of me wanting to do the opposite.
Good on you for respecting your wife! It takes a man to do that.

Don't fuss about what LO wants or doesn't want. That's none of your business.

Your business is about what's in front of you now. And doing the mahi (work) to keep them. More so since SO has expressed her concerns about LO.

When you said you felt ANGRY - can you identify when you first felt this? Was there a moment prior to LO you felt this? And what's your earliest memory?

Dig back that far to see what and why LO triggers stuff. You think this is a crazy ride? Dont forget it's not a ride that sits on the surface. It's a ride into our subconscious.

Otherwise you'll be left looking at the surface stuff and locked into focusing on LO.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:41 am

Thanks for the probing questions LF, I appreciate it.

Why was I angry? I’d put so much time, effort, thought, even my reputation at home and work into this girl and I felt she threw it all back in my face. I felt there was a bond, attraction between us that we both understood and so felt there was a betrayal of that too. Ultimately I wanted some reciprocation, some acknowledgment of the relationship... of me I suppose.

What is that picking at from pre LO? I don’t know. There’s no childhood trauma to speak of. I can think of a series of rejections between the ages of 15-19 - my first girlfriend, my high school friendship group, the love of my life ex GF (who became the original LO). All snubbed me, rejected me, which left my self esteem lower for sure. I suspect the white knight act with LO was a way of trying to fix some of this. Particularly the original LO who looked like her and was the same age as LO was when this LE started.

Helpmeplease
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Sat Mar 23, 2019 2:59 pm

I think we share quite a few similarities in our stories metsfan. I can appreciate your bruised ego- hope that goes quickly for you. I think in all this she has given you some clarity which I think will help (and your SO, must listen to her). Hope your NC has started well and wishing you luck for 3m or more.

daydreamer
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by daydreamer » Sat Mar 23, 2019 7:39 pm

MF and HMP, i also think my self esteem issues are exactly from the rejection from peers and girls from my childhood and adolescence.
interesting how MF projected the feelings toward his previous GF into the current LO.
my current LO is actually my previous crush who didn't want to be my GF.

NVTS
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by NVTS » Sat Mar 23, 2019 7:57 pm

daydreamer wrote:
Sat Mar 23, 2019 7:39 pm
MF and HMP, i also think my self esteem issues are exactly from the rejection from peers and girls from my childhood and adolescence.

Yup!!!! This caused me great depression in retrospect. All the time I’ve spent in my life ruminating and longing for one LO after another really messed me up academically speaking. I barely graduated from high school because of it. I’m so glad that I’ve been able to help my kids achieve their best!
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:22 pm

daydreamer wrote:
Sat Mar 23, 2019 7:39 pm
interesting how MF projected the feelings toward his previous GF into the current LO.
20 years between them - shows how this stuff stays with you, despite another long-term ex, a few other girls and 10 years of happy marriage in between. The ex was 19 when we broke up and LO was the same when this LE kicked off. Similar body shapes, same hair color, same dress sense, same love of high heels, same sense of humor. The ex was prettier, more intelligent and we obviously connected to a far deeper level. But she ended it, crushed me and I spent years hoping (and occasionally trying) to get her back. It’s like LO was an opportunity to try again and this time be successful. But this time I had an SO and was twice her age...

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L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F » Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:20 pm

MetsFan wrote:
Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:22 pm
20 years between them - shows how this stuff stays with you,
It does stay with you. It stays with you for life! ... if you don't do the heavy lifting that is. Did you never experience anger as a child? Had your bike taken away from you, or cookie taken out of your hand? Those kind of things. Things we take for granted and brush over cos you know, they are normal things. Or so we think. But young minds don't know how to process this information, and we quickly learn that we are the ones in the wrong, thus you know, don't make a fuss in case we get into more trouble.

This is not to say you have experienced any kind of disappointment as a child, or anger.

What I am suggesting, if you want a quick fire way out of here, is to dig deeper. Don't sit on the surface. This is about unpacking stuff that we really like super duper really didn't know was there! Hence having a professional to help you work thru things.

Now you may not need a professional. I didn't have one. I did all the heavy lifting by reading reading and responding to threads to open my eyes.

This is NOT about blaming our parents, this is about learning who we REALLY are, and why we do what we do. Why we fall limerent in the first instance. The thing is, no amount of attention and affection is going to stop you from falling limerent again, because...

.... no one can fix us! Simple!

This is not about what someone else can bring us, this is about the fact we lack it internally to start with! And why would that be? Who is responsible for helping us to grow into emotionally mature beings?

Why do we lack it? Where do our wounds come from? Definitely not our SO. They are just as much of a victim as us. We were more than likely subconsciously attracted to them to heal our wounds and vice versa.

Don't become one of those men who sits on the surface waiting for the pain of limerence to subside and then boom, a few years later it starts all over again.

People like myself, any many others know themselves so well they also know what it feels like to fall limerent and we get to play with it! It's not damaging for us because we know the signs and are tuned into our feelings. Heck, I literally dance with limerent feelings now. And I’m talking about being attracted to someone and actually enjoy it!

Those mind games? FUN fun fun! But that's because I also understand boundaries, and know how to keep both sides safe. It's called being AWARE.

Plus it gives me the perfect opportunity to look at what I’m currently needing for myself, and what I’m bringing to the table (projections). Now I understand what my friend (who is a psychiatrist) was talking about. He said it was like a game of tennis and when you know what you are doing, you can play the game!

So whatever you do. Don’t get sucked into the ‘poor me man club’. You are much much stronger than that. I can see you are curious and it's the best way to be!

Stay safe, learn how to strengthen your boundaries, consciously choose your wife over your LO everyday (or leave her) by Bryan Reeves…, focus on healing so that you can pass on the best of you to your children.

And when I said it is not about the blame game? Our parents aren’t perfect, nor are we. So if you do bring up stuff that relates to where the anger comes from, its okay. It is okay to feel exactly how you feel in any given moment.

Forgiveness is the key.

Stay strong buddy!


TIPS:
Don't play the blame game
Get out of the Drama Triangle - you are not a victim
Go beyond the surface stuff - this really isn't about LO and never was (not unless you want to make it about LO and stay on the surface)
Read
Meditate
Talk - talk therapy is great
Learn how to strengthen and KEEP boundaries - be boundaried
Believe you can beat this - because you can
Know that everything is going to be okay no matter how difficult it may become (when stuff surfaces it can almost send us back to lalaland - because it is easier living there than facing reality)

and make choice... red pill or blue pill
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

Helpmeplease
Posts: 513
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Sun Mar 24, 2019 12:36 am

I was wondering the other day if my past would mean i am more susceptible in being caught up developing inappropriate friendships if they were on offer. (Independent of whether i have high or low self esteem now).

Seems a few of us have similar backgrounds in developing friendship circles and confidence/ability to get girlfriends/boyfriends early on. I remember writing to my best friend over the Christmas holidays about 17 years ago that I was sad I was the only one without a girlfriend. In retrospect that was nonsense (I wasn't) but that's how it felt. Certainly in my younger days I was not confident (I took my confidence and reward from academic achievement then) . I think this is also what is behind me wishing I had known LO from University age - Everytime she mentioned something fun she did in her life I thought I wish I was there.

Ironically enough the first girl I had a huge crush on (and the first girl I asked out, and first rejection!) Has initials HMP. Surely that's a total coincidence! That was 20years ago too.

I do think that even if I got this totally on track and understod it all I would be much more wary (actively avoid) cultivating a friendship with a girl who is attractive and 'on my wave length'(as opposed to just smart, as being smart doesn't mean you won't be boring!) - not sure I would play tennis in LFs analogy. For me, and perhaps orhers (?) It would be brave to assume I could manage such a friendship safely but would be better if I could (dance with limerent feelings and enjoy it! Wow that would be cool)

Amazing how all this stays in your head and is super quick and easy to recall rather than some 20yr old memories which I cannot recall. I certainly think you can get closure but the memory and experience will remain which fresh

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L-F
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by L-F » Sun Mar 24, 2019 1:26 am

When you make the unconscious conscious, that's when you'll stop repeating the patterns.

To think our LOs are special when they can be replaced by another LO. And they will!
=))

But, once healed, you are less likely to go back there.

Unless you are good at tennis! O:-)

Now... just got to find me an opponent who is also aware. Cant play tennis with someone who is asleep.
Have conquered limerence. I'm no expert but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.
Limerence Net helped to heal my heart which led to forgiving my abusers ❤

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