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Can you get closure?

Discussion about the way back.
MetsFan
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Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Mon Mar 11, 2019 10:22 pm

I’m 3 months into NC and I feel like I’m ready to forgive LO and move on. Things ended badly between us and I used the hurt as a route into NC, but since then I’ve learnt from others that she had feelings for me after all and that she was upset how things ended. I’ve thought A LOT about how her behavior was down to her immaturity and confusion over our unusual relationship, which was understandable given my marriage, the age gap and the work situation.

I now feel guilty over how it ended and would like to tell her there’s no animosity and wish her the best. I feel like this would remove the guilt and give me closure. I want to move on to with life without her, focus on my SO, kids and my own development. I’m fairly sure this isn’t an attempt to get my dopamine hit... but then who knows for sure.

So the question is, do others think closure is possible? Or is my brain looking for excuses to break NC?

marko
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by marko » Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:03 am

Both, LE or not we want to heal things. LE is also clever as well and makes wanting to do so feel very important. The act would elicit another response that you would take you one way or the other, and then you'd wonder more and so on. This only closes when in time you wonder why you ever came to this place.

NVTS
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by NVTS » Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:33 am

Yes———BUUUT———, as Marko said it could go either way.

Lemme ‘splain( thx Desi Arnaz) using my own situation.
I broke 6+mos of NC in order to gain some alone time to explain what was going on with ME. I was disappointed at how our communication ended so abruptly and wanted her to know that I’m not a skirt chaser, womanizer. It has created a situation of “come here, go away”. I have sensed deep anxiety in some of her texts and she has stood me up twice.

So I have managed to do the exact opposite of what I wanted, I wanted to “bury the hatchet” but instead I created a bery awkward situation. Fortunately I am in an overall better place so the lows are not as bad.
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

Spinnaker
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Mar 12, 2019 2:57 am

.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Mar 17, 2019 10:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:08 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 2:57 am
Can you write her?
I pretty successfully purged all traces of communication methods when I went into NC. I could probably ask someone for her email, or reconnect on social media I guess. I have written a letter to her already as an exercise in trying to let her go. It lives in notes on my phone and has not been sent. It was quite cathartic to write though. I have a feeling she’d ignore any correspondence.

There’s an event on Friday I suspect she’ll be at, which is why I think my mind has turned to these thoughts. If I see her I’d like to be in a place to forgive and leave things in a pleasant place.

Helpmeplease
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:27 pm

Hey MefsFan well done on such a long time with NC and good to use how things ended badly to facilitate this. I don't think you need to feel guilty about the end here as she got a lot from you (and if I recall also you helped her get the new job)

I think it's natural to want to tidy up the end to get to a happy place. I often find myself brain fights emotional vs logical. Clearly emotionally it would be good to say a nice good-bye to her and for her to do the same but logically what do you think she would say/ react? If you think she will ignore then perhaps just writing letter and not sending it is enough? If she did respond, what scenarios which cause you problems again ('i miss you metsfan...')
I'm not sure reconnecting on social media is a good idea.

daydreamer
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by daydreamer » Tue Mar 12, 2019 7:15 pm

MetsFan wrote:
Mon Mar 11, 2019 10:22 pm

I now feel guilty over how it ended and would like to tell her there’s no animosity and wish her the best. I feel like this would remove the guilt and give me closure. I want to move on to with life without her, focus on my SO, kids and my own development. I’m fairly sure this isn’t an attempt to get my dopamine hit... but then who knows for sure.

So the question is, do others think closure is possible? Or is my brain looking for excuses to break NC?
yes, do that. beautiful farewell letter and you will have a closure and be guilt free. that will provide a closure for her, too. I did just that and I'm very happy how the things evolved afterwards. you will see that it will not hit you with dopamine like before, and it'll be a road for the recovery. if she is much younger, think of her like your own daughter, it really helps. in my own case i liked to think about her as a younger sister and later it evolved to a regular friendship (although it feels a bit extraordinary to me).

MetsFan
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by MetsFan » Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:59 pm

Thanks everyone for the replies. @Daydreamer - that is really interesting to me, it’s just where I’m at with my thinking. Like your LO she’s much younger than me, and it’s the paternal instincts kicking in here I feel. The thought of her upset, and no longer thinking of me fondly, or worse not following my advice leaves me feeling bad and won’t allow me to move on.

But, @ HMP, NVTS, Marko of course you all make valid points. Will this attempt at closure actually just respark something that appears to be nicely dying out and maybe best be left alone?

daydreamer
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by daydreamer » Wed Mar 13, 2019 12:02 am

MetsFan wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 10:59 pm
Will this attempt at closure actually just respark something that appears to be nicely dying out and maybe best be left alone?
you will not know it without doing it.

Helpmeplease
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Re: Can you get closure?

Post by Helpmeplease » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:25 pm

Having read daydreamers response I have given some more thought to this. Maybe it is a good idea, and it's useful to know that it has worked. Esp as your LO is not at your work anymore and could remain out of your life if the letter either wasn't received well or was received too well. I guess you would need to think of words and phrases carefully to ensure no room for LE to restart - or worse given you know she had/has feelings for you. Knowing your LO has feelings for you seems validation and great to know (maybe your SO would disagree) but also could be dangerous. (I would like to know about my LO! That would be a head spin)

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