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grateful... mostly

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
Bridget
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grateful... mostly

Post by Bridget » Sun Mar 10, 2019 3:43 am

I'm really glad to stumble across limerence.net and find this community. I'm a long time limerent, with my first LE beginning at the age of 10, and this last one being my 7th. I'm in my mid-50s and I've been with DH for over 30 years. I'm pretty sure he was LO#4; I projected so hard on him that we were together for 10 years before another man caught my interest (LO#5).

My current LE has lasted about 9 years. We were coworkers that had a lot in common and we became friends... old story, right? But it was a new situation for me. I knew by then that I could develop intense and borderline obsessive "crushes", but I thought it wouldn't be a problem because he was too much like me for my feelings to get too strong, and besides, we were both married and good family folk. Never the less, I completely fell in love with LO#7 during a conversation about God, and spent the following three months crying my eyes out for a "love that could never be."

Very long, pitiful, and desperate story short, I never told LO#7 how I felt about him because I didn't want to lose our friendship. I think the friendship was real and that part of me developed sincerely loving feelings for him... as in part of me is truly pleased when he is happy, even when the reason he is happy keeps me away from him, like he got a better job in another city. Our communication has dwindled over the years, but the longing never goes away completely, and I still harbor fantasies that we'll somehow get together when our children have left home.

In some ways, I'm grateful for this LE because it caused me so much misery that I've had to work hard on myself attempting to get over it. I went from thinking I couldn't ever be happy because I'd have to choose between my soul mate (LO) and my children to recognizing moments of contentment, to seeing that my well-being depends on my giving up all my fantasies about LO and understanding that my limerent brain will never allow us to have a healthy relationship. Where I used to spend 90% of my life fantasizing and angsting about LO, that figure is probably down to 5%, but I want to get it down to 0%.

I wish this website had been around years ago when I searched like crazy to find a way to kill my obsession. I found a few website about limerence then, but none so developed and informative as this one. But I appreciate what I've learned on my own, and I'm looking forward to learning more and becoming healthier. Thanks to this website and some of the stories I've read, I got up the courage to stop following my LO on social media a few days ago. It felt both good and scary. It was a big step, because I use to believe that I needed his friendship and refused to give it up. But I'm seeing that I have to choose between the LE and my health.

I have a few theories about limerence I want to examine on this site, mostly because of observations I've made of myself. For example, I've noticed that I only become limerent on men who I find attractive and who seem to express some interest in me. Does there have to be that hint of interest in general? I also suspect that having a vivid imagination and being an introvert have made me prone to LEs because I can spend HOURS imagining scenarios with my LO! If I had no imagination and was an extrovert, would I ever obsess over someone? I've also noticed that my LEs are getting more intense over time. This last one has been a doozy, and in spite of the gifts I've found in it, I want no more! (In fact, I feel myself tempted to fall for a new guy I work with, but I do not allow myself to consider him a friend and have started dialing back on the easy banter we used to share. It sucks, because he is fun and VERY attractive, and he clearly enjoys my company. But I've been burned enough and want no more of that kind of heat!)

Thanks for reading this long and boring story and inspiring me and giving me hope that I can keep getting better!

daydreamer
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by daydreamer » Sun Mar 10, 2019 4:23 am

Bridget wrote:
Sun Mar 10, 2019 3:43 am
I have a few theories about limerence I want to examine on this site, mostly because of observations I've made of myself. For example, I've noticed that I only become limerent on men who I find attractive and who seem to express some interest in me. Does there have to be that hint of interest in general? I also suspect that having a vivid imagination and being an introvert have made me prone to LEs because I can spend HOURS imagining scenarios with my LO! If I had no imagination and was an extrovert, would I ever obsess over someone? I've also noticed that my LEs are getting more intense over time.
i agree with your observations, except for the gender difference of course.

Spinnaker
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Mar 10, 2019 5:41 pm

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Mar 11, 2019 3:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Idiotic
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by Idiotic » Sun Mar 10, 2019 6:20 pm

I seem to internalize people’s pain, and it confuses me but also causes downright misery. Being on the receiving end of another’s pain can cut deep in places we don’t recognize (often places we haven’t explored ourselves or accepted); make us feel shameful or defensive; cause us to want to escape, retreat or start over.
I find it very hard to cope with this as well. Its exhausting on a physical level too.
It's like Jean Grey from X-men when she can't tune out of others people's minds and becomes overwhelmed.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

marko
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by marko » Sun Mar 10, 2019 11:26 pm

50's sad miserable married office romance--I guess it's about that age where it all unravels.

Bridget
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by Bridget » Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:31 am

marko wrote:
Sun Mar 10, 2019 11:26 pm
50's sad miserable married office romance--I guess it's about that age where it all unravels.
Ha! That’s one of the benefits of this space. Just when you thought you and your experience were unique, you find out your following a script that came long before you and will last long after you.

Bridget
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by Bridget » Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:33 am

daydreamer wrote:
Sun Mar 10, 2019 4:23 am
Bridget wrote:
Sun Mar 10, 2019 3:43 am
I have a few theories about limerence I want to examine on this site, mostly because of observations I've made of myself. For example, I've noticed that I only become limerent on men who I find attractive and who seem to express some interest in me. Does there have to be that hint of interest in general? I also suspect that having a vivid imagination and being an introvert have made me prone to LEs because I can spend HOURS imagining scenarios with my LO! If I had no imagination and was an extrovert, would I ever obsess over someone? I've also noticed that my LEs are getting more intense over time.
i agree with your observations, except for the gender difference of course.
Good to know!

marko
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by marko » Wed Mar 13, 2019 3:08 am

Bridget wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:31 am
marko wrote:
Sun Mar 10, 2019 11:26 pm
50's sad miserable married office romance--I guess it's about that age where it all unravels.
Ha! That’s one of the benefits of this space. Just when you thought you and your experience were unique, you find out your following a script that came long before you and will last long after you.
I think the script just reveals the root. So now I look at my anxiety (which I didn't recognize) and as a lifer, a pattern that's deep and long lasting. I see it now fairly clearly and facing it brings no peace.
I think we get to a super needy time, again, when the normal props finally fail, and some loss (youth, perhaps a loved one) uncovers something that we can't look at and this LO sweeps it all briefly away again.

Bridget
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by Bridget » Sat Mar 16, 2019 1:54 am

marko wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 3:08 am

I think the script just reveals the root. So now I look at my anxiety (which I didn't recognize) and as a lifer, a pattern that's deep and long lasting. I see it now fairly clearly and facing it brings no peace.
I think we get to a super needy time, again, when the normal props finally fail, and some loss (youth, perhaps a loved one) uncovers something that we can't look at and this LO sweeps it all briefly away again.
Well, I've been limerent (unknowingly) since I was 10, but the latest LE was the most intense and partially brought on by the loss of my youth. When I hit the probable mid-point of my life, and time was running out on my "potential" (which had always been my refuge) and options, I began to feel stuck in a situation I didn't care for, and didn't really realize I didn't care for because limerence allowed me to avoid that nasty secret. In other words, I'd been pretending I had a happy marriage, but the intensity of my feelings for LO and the thought that he might be the last guy who was interested in me messed me all up in the head!

I'm sorry that facing the pattern hasn't brought you peace, Marko. Recognizing patterns is the thing I do best, and examining those patterns usually helps me find a way to change the pattern. Again, options, potential, hope... I love those things. Are you not finding any hope in for change in your patterns?

marko
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Re: grateful... mostly

Post by marko » Fri Mar 22, 2019 3:49 pm

Sort of. I come to grips with it, but it isn't like--"oh I've really been a needy messed up person for 40+ years, now I love myself and everyone else so much I can't take it." I no longer see the LO as anything but an odd thing my mind did. I'm not that person I wanted to be and I shouldn't. I also can't be the person my wife wanted me to be as that me was a limmerent ghost. Getting past infatuation and moving to intimacy is where the issue lies now. and there are some things time just can't heal. For a few there could be, but this life long haunting feeling is enough of a battle, let alone a place to start love. Perhaps it gets so engrained like an addiction, that like alcohol you just can't even take a sip as it's so latent and hard wired. Time takes the sting away, but the craving is just a sip away. I suppose enough practice of thoughts keeps it at bay and builds a better self--and that has begun.
So my hobby of performance car/engine stuff using Kpro is the initial of my LO's first name, and the beginning of her last and of course her pictures are up on the wall (can't be removed) as a funny reminder and those little things just can't be escaped. At least I even forget to look as I walk on by.

So as your walk sounds similar, you may do better, but just don't be surprised by what you find. It can be bad, just look a the running away from yours response has perversely concocted to help you along. Coming to a level of acceptance as to this is who I am needs to come first. I'll pass a bit on the part where you get to choose what to do with that after that dark journey. I do have to remind myself that at times what I'm thinking and feeling aren't real and that what is causing that is an escape as well. Staying unfocused and not dwelling on thoughts is part as well. Work helps ;) .

I just returned from seeing a friend paralyzed in a crash last fall. Last year I remember wanting to tell the LO every detail. Where I ate, what I did and trying to be really cool and accepted. This year I felt lonely, chuckled about that and focused more on my friend. It's all sad, but it should be, his spirits high make me admire a tough guy and takes my focus off my self which is good.

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