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Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Whatwasithinking
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:04 pm
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Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by Whatwasithinking » Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:03 pm

Hello all. I’m writing this as a form of self therapy. Perhaps if I share my story I can garner some insight, support, guidance etc. I really hope I can help someone here in turn...

I’m writing as I’m really in pain now. A lot of pain. The only two people who know my story are my close friend and my closer older brother.

I’ll try to stick to the facts as much as I can. But feel free to probe - I’m an open book looking to heal.

About me. 42 married male. Married my high school sweetheart right after grad school. 3 school age children who we love dearly. Never cheated on my wife ever - had numerous girls pursue me both before and after marriage but only woman I ever slept with was my wife. Devout and practicing Catholic.
I come from a very stable background. Loving parents, happy and warm home. Not perfect but memories of my childhood are generally very positive. Strong relationships with my parents today.
My wife and I have a good marriage. It’s not without its problems, but a good marriage nevertheless. She loves me, loves our kids. Generally a happy and warm home.
So what happened? A bit more background- I’m a homebody. Love where I’m from, as its part of who I am. I was offered a job 1800 miles away from home. At the strong urging of my wife I took it. One of the biggest mistakes in my life.
The job I took is very stressful- much more so than the one I left behind. Then, summer of 2017 we become pregnant with child #4. I was not excited about this, wife was ecstatic. We’re clearly not on same page about this - I feel ignored. I tell this to my wife but to no avail. 12 weeks later we lose the baby. I’m saddened but also relieved. My wife is distraught. We begin to argue more.
What do I do? Go to a strip club, of course! I really wanted a beer, some boobs and to escape the world. There I meet a gorgeous woman, we instantly click, she aggressively pursues me. I tell her I’m married, not sure about this. She continues and invites me to her home. She pursues me sexually, I tell her I can’t. Several months later I cave and have sex with her. I can’t believe I did this but it’s intoxicating.
About her - about as opposite of me as possible. 33 years old,Divorced, two children being raised by her parents, bad substance abuse issues, spent time in jail, had stolen a car, impulsive, abandoned by her blood family. Borderline homeless.
So why was I attracted to her? Because I believed this poor woman had received the short end of the stick. That although she had made some bad decisions in her life that perhaps I could befriend her and show her a better way. I tried to show her kindness, thoughtfulness and truly never expected anything back. I helped her write a resume and get a real job. She was hungry? I’d go fill her fridge with groceries. Need to go see the doctor? I’ll be by in an hour to drive you there. Sad and upset? Let’s go get a coffee and talk. So much coffee...She reciprocated my kindness with a warm heart and was so thankful. We fell in love.
This went on for a year. Eventually she grew tired of me being married. During this time she had several drug related incidents which I saw through with her - hospital visits, etc. eventually however it ended in Oct of last year. Hurt me like hell. She says it hurt her that I didn’t leave my wife for her.
I confessed to my parish priest (huge help to me) and swore to never contact her again. As much as it hurt I resisted the urge.
Until the text she sent me 6 weeks later begging my forgiveness and asking me to have sex with her
We resumed the affair right before Christmas. My instinct told me this would be short lived, and indeed it was. She’s ghosted me again and I’m hurt. Badly. Almost willing to leave my wife for her.
My rational brain fights my heart daily
Did I tell my wife? No, and I never will. She has had some severe psychiatric issues - this would push her over the edge, to where I would fear for her and my children’s safety.

So here I am, lamenting the loss of a woman who I know would never be a good partner in any way. Yet I still ache and check my phone every time it buzzes, hoping it will be her again. I miss her so much...

jack
Posts: 128
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Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by jack » Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:08 am

welcome to the club. did you see my post here?: viewtopic.php?f=85&p=54424&sid=d83d2cf1 ... 2ef#p54424

townshend
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:19 am
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Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by townshend » Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:14 am

Welcome to the forum... a couple things stuck out to me... It sound like you're following this White Knight complex, that's a big theme here rescuing, doing the rescuing, wishing to be rescued, rescuing to rescue yourself.... You have to examine why that is.

At the end you mention your wife's mental health and the severity of it... this could be the route that lead you to seeing LO as your escape, you fantasy of someone in ways better, someone that you CAN save, maybe you've come to the point of realizing in some ways your wife's health and behavior are just a fact of life but with this new woman she's someone you can save and who can see you as and treat you as the savior.

Also why are we attracted to this? To someone who is broken? What does that reflect about us? What is broken in you?

Your childhood may have seemed ideal, and it may we'll have been very good but there's a lot of factors that may seem like or have been treated as little things that actually do matter to your psyche and play a role in all this..

Reading and posting here seems to help most of us. Hopefully it will for you too
Last edited by townshend on Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

mamasita
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Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by mamasita » Tue Feb 12, 2019 2:55 pm

Townshend, such great advice. :ymhug:

@whatwasIthinking
Welcome to the forum. There is a lot of help here. While my story is different, I can relate to your feelings of longing and letting go of someone who you want, but you shouldn't have and cannot have. Keep reading and try to focus that anxious energy/grief/longing with acts of kindness for your wife and yourself. Sometimes things like giving to others have a way or helping to refocus our true priorities.

Whatwasithinking
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:04 pm
Gender:
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Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by Whatwasithinking » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:20 am

jack wrote:
Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:08 am
welcome to the club. did you see my post here?: viewtopic.php?f=85&p=54424&sid=d83d2cf1 ... 2ef#p54424
Thanks Jack. Interesting article....

Whatwasithinking
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:04 pm
Gender:
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Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by Whatwasithinking » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:33 am

townshend wrote:
Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:14 am
Welcome to the forum... a couple things stuck out to me... It sound like you're following this White Knight complex, that's a big theme here rescuing, doing the rescuing, wishing to be rescued, rescuing to rescue yourself.... You have to examine why that is.

At the end you mention your wife's mental health and the severity of it... this could be the route that lead you to seeing LO as your escape, you fantasy of someone in ways better, someone that you CAN save, maybe you've come to the point of realizing in some ways your wife's health and behavior are just a fact of life but with this new woman she's someone you can save and who can see you as and treat you as the savior.

Also why are we attracted to this? To someone who is broken? What does that reflect about us? What is broken in you?

Your childhood may have seemed ideal, and it may we'll have been very good but there's a lot of factors that may seem like or have been treated as little things that actually do matter to your psyche and play a role in all this..

Reading and posting here seems to help most of us. Hopefully it will for you too
Thanks Townshend. Some good insight here. Yeah, I think I liked the idea of improving her life. Funny thing is I have always believed that people have to want to change themselves first. I used to roll my eyes at the girls in college who would try to rescue the broken guy, the sad puppy, thinking that if they could just give them the love they need then everything would be alright. Yet here I am doing the same thing.
Compounding the issue is the substance abuse problems. Perpetual pot smoker, daily drinker, coke user on occasion. That's completely foreign to me and not something I know how to deal with. As much as I fantasize about the idea of removing her from her current situation, helping her get up on her own feet and showing her a path that could ultimately lead to a more fulfilling life the reality is she would likely slip back to her old ways.
While my wife doesn't always make my heart pound the way my affair partner did, she's always been steady as a rock. I just wish I could lose this haze and find fulfillment in that....

Whatwasithinking
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:04 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by Whatwasithinking » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:37 am

mamasita wrote:
Tue Feb 12, 2019 2:55 pm
Townshend, such great advice. :ymhug:

@whatwasIthinking
Welcome to the forum. There is a lot of help here. While my story is different, I can relate to your feelings of longing and letting go of someone who you want, but you shouldn't have and cannot have. Keep reading and try to focus that anxious energy/grief/longing with acts of kindness for your wife and yourself. Sometimes things like giving to others have a way or helping to refocus our true priorities.
Thank you mamasita. I think you're spot on. I'm a big believer in the power of gratitude and generosity. I have to remind myself that love is both a thing you feel AND something you do, sometimes through sacrifice....

MetsFan
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Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
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Re: Hello all.... let me tell you a story.

Post by MetsFan » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:26 am

Ah dude, so much there I can relate to. Yours sound like an extreme version of my LE - your LO’s problems are deeper and more fundamental and yours got to PA stage, mine didn’t. But writing her resume, doing all that stuff for her to give her a better shot at life, now hoping every buzz of the phone is her. Yup.

I think the rescue fantasy is interesting. My LE is very much driven by that and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. Is it an ego thing (we have the power to help) or a self-esteem thing (someone needs us)? I don’t know. I think actually it is very common and something inherently in society. Sleeping Beauty is rescued by the prince, Super Mario has to rescue the princess from the evil Bowser, Hollywood movies are littered with the theme... “help me Obi Wan Kenobi you’re my only hope”... I think we’re conditioned to want to rescue a vulnerable beautiful woman.

The more interesting question is why her, why that women? I’m sure like me you don’t go round trying to help fallen women on a daily basis so how come this particular one got through the fence? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

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