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[nsfw] Any advice?

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
yygyhj
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:11 pm
Afghanistan

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by yygyhj » Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:44 pm

@NVTS Do you think they are happy? Is he a normal guy?

She didn't reply to my last message from yesterday.

The day before the last day of the vacation she and her two friends and I were all sitting together on a couch, since my jeans were wet, I asked if they don't mind if I undress them. I undressed and I was given not only one, but two towels to hide. But I didn't need them since we had a large blanket anyway.
The girl you call LO, cheered me on to undress further, the other girls made their disapproval very clear. This kind of very strong responses intimidated me, so I didn't dare to make any move again on the LO. (I wonder what would have happened if I just started playing with her.) First she moved away from me on the couch, then after some time she told me to go home. I looked tired. What she said had a very negative effect on me. I just went home, but I felt not like sleeping, instead I showered and searched for the best bar. I went there and had four strong cocktails and sent her pictures asking her to come (and save me). She didn't come. The next day I woke up at like 8 am, really early. The girls didn't sent anything till like 11 am. They met a guy during lunch and LO posted a picture with him on social media while she never posted one with me. I got really mad and jealous. I didn't met them that day, despite they wanting to meet me the last minute before the flight to give back a clothing. I still owe them some money for entry fees, like 30€. I don't want to pay, since I won't see them again anyway.
The day after the vacation she posted another picture with another guy. I got even more jealous.

What is the difference between LO wanting her fantasy of a guy doing something difficult for her and me wanting her to "rescue" me? Can you really forget this behavior or do you have to fight all your life to not do it? Isn't the difference between us, that she as a beautiful, cute and smart girl has such a high sexual market value, that any (not stupid) guy can fulfill her fantasy while I don't such a high sexual market value?

Going to a foreign country made me also realize how the world is for girls in my home country. In my home country it is very unusually that girls are actively approaching you and then they just want to play with you, but nothing serious. Very unusual for me.

NVTS
Posts: 474
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by NVTS » Fri Feb 01, 2019 3:23 pm

Just file it under “life experiences”, and get on with your life. I am guessing you are in your 20’s, if so you have your whole life ahead of you, try not to waste one more minute on why your LO did what she did.

As for my “longest” LO, I have no idea what her life is like, I severed contact with her family over 15 years ago and I have a wonderful life of my own(finally realizing it).
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

yygyhj
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:11 pm
Afghanistan

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by yygyhj » Tue Feb 12, 2019 8:09 am

I messaged her last week. I called her on Sunday and she promised me something that she has not fulfilled yet. I am back to square 1.
Thinking about calling her again or deleting her.
I think the last times I had something like this I deleted the contacts.
It is difficult to change my behavior and my thoughts circling about her. Not sure if checking this forum helps me forget about her, but for fixing the underlying issue the forum might be helpful.

I compiled a list about all her negative treats and I have no idea why I am so obsessed about a person who treats me so badly and who doesn't care about me.

daydreamer
Posts: 503
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by daydreamer » Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:02 pm

yygyhj wrote:
Tue Feb 12, 2019 8:09 am
I have no idea why I am so obsessed about a person who treats me so badly and who doesn't care about me.
read about anxious–preoccupied attachment style: http://the-love-compass.com/2014/02/22/ ... ent-style/

yygyhj
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:11 pm
Afghanistan

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by yygyhj » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:51 am

The attachment style described in your article seems to be very fitting especially in the context of this woman. I guess she is avoidance attachment style, except she was very insistent on walking arm in arm with me, but she instinctively knew when there was a perfect moment to kiss her, then she always turned her head away from me. The description of the rollercoaster seems also very fitting, I guess she loves drama and me getting desperate.
My last relationship was also boring in my eyes, she probably is a rather fearful anxious type.
I think your mentioned website has a different viewpoint than limerence. If there is a connection between narcissism and limerence, how is the relationship between these styles and narcissism?

yygyhj
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:11 pm
Afghanistan

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by yygyhj » Tue Feb 19, 2019 6:05 pm

Aaaaand I am back to square 1 again.
I tell her how much I like her, she told me for the first time an explicit "no". I think okay, now I can completely forget about her.
Next day she offers me a video call. She doesn't specify the time. I tell her I have time. She never calls me, but sends me a picture of herself and unblocks me on some social media, so I can see her pictures again. She got home from a business trip.
And I started thinking about her again. But yesterday I had the full believe in myself I would forget her and won't respond.

Fuck this shit.
I am like some entertainment/play thing for her when she has some free time.

yygyhj
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:11 pm
Afghanistan

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by yygyhj » Tue Feb 19, 2019 6:07 pm

Actually I think this might have something to do with my childhood, I remember my mother reacted similar in early childhood. When I needed comfort and went to her, she didn't react much and I had to come again and again and do things to get her attention.

Anna
Posts: 368
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
Canada

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by Anna » Wed Feb 20, 2019 1:28 pm

yygyhj wrote:
Tue Feb 19, 2019 6:07 pm
Actually I think this might have something to do with my childhood, I remember my mother reacted similar in early childhood. When I needed comfort and went to her, she didn't react much and I had to come again and again and do things to get her attention.
This is a good start! Keep feeling what you're feeling and try to pinpoint where it is coming from!

Keely
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2019 10:53 am
Great Britain

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by Keely » Thu Feb 21, 2019 4:39 pm

Anna is right. It has to be said that there is a bit of an irony in Limerants telling each other what to do - and I mean that in a jovial rather than critical way - I think its fantastic that we can help each other. Although, I feel like a bit of a fraud offering suggestions that I have struggled to apply to myself.

However, I was going to say to you that you should perhaps try working on your own self esteem. The point that you made about sexual market value is an interesting one. For my part I am always attracted to women who don't seem to be aware of their sexual market value and have a vulnerable innocent (demure) quality. I am the hero in the fantasy. I would be instantly turned off by your LO personally. I am saying this just so you can apply your own assessment of my thoughts on it - for what it's worth - I am far from an adviser in this capacity but want to help!

I think you should stand your full height and walk taller my friend. Your LO sounds like she may have as many of her own self esteem issues that she's playing through. Can you focus your thoughts on a purpose in life? Don't let this LO drag you around. It's about you - not her. Sexual market value is only what somebody is prepared to pay and unfortunately there are a lot of young men paying a high price for something that's pretty cheap for the LO to give up by the sound of it.

All the best - it's sore - I know!

yygyhj
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:11 pm
Afghanistan

Re: [nsfw] Any advice?

Post by yygyhj » Thu Feb 21, 2019 10:38 pm

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it. It feels good to read them after reaching a low-point.
Anna wrote:
Wed Feb 20, 2019 1:28 pm
This is a good start! Keep feeling what you're feeling and try to pinpoint where it is coming from!
I don't really know how to go from there.

I tried to reply on other threads, but it feels like going to your neighbor in math class and telling him how to solve an especially difficult problem even through you yourself can't solve it.
Some nice words and discussions are still very helpful.

Maybe the nature of people like (current) me is that we ourselves don't feel attracted to our own type, but to people that are only willing to give less than they receive. The females would say: "Ah, why do I always date assholes?".
My last girlfriend was maybe more your type. I always had to be the one to bring our relationship to the next level. It got boring for me before the marriage level, I didn't want to be stuck being the guy who asks. I always felt like I didn't appreciate her little gestures of love. She also wasn't smart enough to understand me (and taking a turn herself) or my love languages.
I am wondering which type of guy would fit my LO, if I knew more about her parents I think I could guess better. Maybe some guy who doesn't get angry when she tries to have her cake and eat it too. Someone who never says anything negative to her, rather always some compliment. Very patient.

All of this reminds me a bit of The Sorrows of Young Werther and you get hits, if you google it together with limerence. While reading that book, I always thought how stupid can this guy be? Just move on and live your fucking life.

Today was actually a good day. I didn't check my phone until I went to the gym in the evening. Still I couldn't help and of course I thought about her. I was quite disappointed that she didn't send me any message. Then she posted about how happy she is that her parents left her room untouched. That made me quite sad, my mother kicked me out of my room and didn't even pretend to care for my opinion. She is that type of person who tells each of her sons in earshot of each other that she made that type of food only because of you.

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