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I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

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wisteria.and.wine
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I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Sun Jan 13, 2019 9:26 pm

Hello.
This is my first post and probably won't be my last post on here. Probably the first of many actually.
I was online last night and somehow came across the term limerence. I instantly knew it was me, and every single unrequited "crush" I've ever had. After doing some reading into it I couldn't sleep last night. All this time I thought it was just a huge crush or I was in love. I ALWAYS thought that if love was real it never went away, it didn't matter if it was unrequited, if it was real love, you never fell out of it. Well... I guess for me that's true because I'm limerent - is that even how the term is used? I'm in limerent "love"?

Anyway, here is my story. Bear with me. I'm a 28-year-old female and I have never had anyone have feelings for me because I'm ridiculously ugly. I've had boyfriends before but they have never been my LO. My LO's are ALWAYS unrequited. Here we go.

When I was in 5th grade I fell "in love" with a boy that I would relentlessly "crush" on for the next 4 years. He hated me because I was fat. He even said I was so ugly I needed to be raped in order to get some. Still, I had feelings. Then I was assaulted when I was 15 by someone else.

Then in 8th grade, I fell for someone else. I'm now 28 years old and still feel this way - so it's been 14-ish years. Although, 8 years ago I got the courage to kick him out of my life and block him on all social media. I wanted to finally be done with him. He never had feelings for me and yet he was always poking, touching, tickling, caressing, hugging me for too long, etc. But apparently, he never liked me, not one bit. It was incredibly unhealthy, and I realized he basically kept me around as his security blanket. I couldn't take it anymore so I completed ghosted on him after years of amazing friendship (and my one-sided love). He would even flirt with me endlessly when he had a girlfriend. I was just there to give him the attention he craved when the girl he really wanted wasn't giving it to him. Recently, he super-liked me on Tinder to try to get back into my life. I SWIPED LEFT!!! YAY FOR SMALL VICTORIES! I still feel like I love him, but now I realize how awful he was to me and I'm harboring a lot of anger towards him for leading me on for so long. But was he really leading me on or was I just completely delusional?

Next, I met someone in college. He checked 95% of my boxes. This is a long story but I won't share it just now. He turned out to be somewhat sociopathic and a substance abuser. He got drunk one night and punched me in the face, telling me that I was so physically disgusting he couldn't fathom anyone having sex with me unless they were completely drunk first - that's also why he never could with me unless he was drunk. I spent 5 years of my life hopelessly pining after him. Friends even told me that our relationship was unhealthy because we were both so codependent on one another. I just couldn't see his flaws. However, I finally got the balls to end it after he hit me. I couldn't get over it. So I completely ghosted him. We texted every other day for at least 4 hours a day for 2 years straight, then all of a sudden I disappear. He never even cared. I can honestly say I'm completely over this LO. For good. Another victory. But it took 2 years of absolutely no contact to get over it.

This brings me to the present. I have been INFATUATED with this guy I met on Tinder back in July of 2016. He was actually incredibly sweet, and I mean telling me good morning every day. NOT asking for nudes or sending me nudes. Treating me with respect. Actually having conversations - even though they were slightly shallow and boring sometimes. He was sweet. He was sweet. He was SWEET. Finally someone nice. AND BEST OF ALL HE WAS SUPER SHY LIKE ME! We texted every day, sporadically throughout the day, for two weeks before meeting in person. Let's call him N. In these two weeks I shamelessly talked about N to my friend complete with screenshots of our convos. I shamelessly creeped on social media. He even had a HOT brother which I will call E. I also found E on Tinder and swiped right, but he didn't feel the same way so we didn't match. So here I am all set to meet N and I dress up all sexy. As soon as he opens the door and smiles at me I start to completely mentally lose my shit. He's so nerdy and scrawny and adorable, I start to dissociate. When I dissociate I lose time and memory. It's like sensory overload so my brain throws up a filter and only a few things get through - auditory stuff not being one of them. So he's talking and I'm listening and trying to hold onto his words but I just can't. I can't even maintain eye contact. I must have looked like an absolute freak. There were times I would tease him and he would laugh and smile. But somewhere I knew he wasn't physically attracted to me. Part of my dissociation stemmed from me wanting to be pretty enough, good enough for him and knew I wasn't. Anyway, 4 hours went by and I couldn't remember hardly any of it. Bits and pieces STILL come back in flashes 3 years later. I *think* he pretended to get sick in order to get rid of me. He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye. He leaned away from me saying "Oh, I hope I don't smell like vomit." I think he did that so I wouldn't kiss him because I'm ugly. Then I waited and waited and waited for his good morning text. It never came. To be honest, I'm still waiting for it. I texted him and said I'd like to hang out again. I really wanted to apologize for being super weird. Not only was I nervous, but he was the first person I was interested in since the sociopathic LO. N was the first person I was giving a chance to in YEARS. I felt like I was taking a huge risk letting him into my life. It took a lot of courage to even start talking to him. Also, I had found out a good friend of mine recently committed suicide, so that was on my mind as well the day we met in person. I was just plain acting weird. I was in a haze the whole time. I wanted to say I was sorry for being weird. I never got that chance because HE GHOSTED ME. He never said goodbye. Never gave me closure. I will never ever ever know what I did that was so wrong I wasn't worthy of respecting or treating like a decent human being. I know we only spoke for 2 weeks, but to me it was a huge step in putting myself out there again. Basically, I was left to draw my own conclusions. My conclusion is that I'm ugly. I'm worthless. I'm not worthy of love or respect. No one will ever love me or be interested in me because I didn't win the genetic lottery.

The worst part is that I'm so lonely I act out scenarios in front of my mirror in which we run into each other again and he apologizes for ghosting and says he regrets it and wants a second chance. I formulate responses in my head to what I would say if that would ever happen. But I know it will never happen. Because I'm ugly. I still stalk him and his brother E on social media. The worst thing I've done is that I found his brother, E's tumblr account, and sent him an anonymous message saying I thought he was cute and I hoped he felt less depressed today. E was feeling so depressed I thought it would make him feel better. He was so nice when he replied. He said it cheered him up somewhat and if I ever needed to talk his messages were always open. We chatted for a few days. I never told him who exactly I was, but I never lied about anything either. E's messages eventually got sparse so I stopped talking to him. I figured he didn't want to be bothered with a random stupid girl on the internet, so I left him alone. I was secretly hoping I could get close to either E or N in this way. I even want to get all sexy and fit and just show up at N's work and make him regret ghosting me. He'll see me smiling and dressed really flattering and he will say to himself, "Why did I stop talking to her?" I'll say something funny and he'll overhear me and he'll laugh and smile. Eventually, he'll ask how I'm doing and say he was sorry for doing what he did and he regrets it because I seem like a really fun person to be around.

I've been having this fantasy for nearly 3 years now. It needs to stop. I want to get over it but I'm afraid I can't. Me and E follow each other on tumblr still. He has no idea who I am. I have an endless LO crush on both of them even though I've never met E. But I still want N more. I know it's not love. I know it's unhealthy. When I discovered limerence last night I was truly devastated and disgusted with myself. Have I ever been in love? Will I ever be in love? Am I even capable of being in normative love with someone? I'm scared this is the only way I'll ever be with anyone I have feelings for. I'm also scared I'll end up alone because of it and because I'm so incredibly unattractive. I really want to talk to my friend about this, but I'm ashamed to admit it's a problem and I've finally come to that conclusion. I feel crazy and stupid and disgusting. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just have a normal crush that goes away? I feel like my brain is broken and I'll never love or be loved normally. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone forever. Forever alone with my limerence.

PS: Before this even comes up I wanted to address it. Yes, I ghosted on the previous guys because they were unhealthy and toxic for me and I realized that before it went on any longer. But the last guy ghosted me and I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm not a toxic person. I'm not manipulative. I don't abuse people or substances. I don't treat people like shit. I just care too much. I get attached too easily.

I know this is long, and if you've stuck with me thank you. I needed to get this all off my chest. A part of me is so lonely that I like these fantasies. I like acting them out because I feel like this is the closest I'll ever get to true romantic love because I'm so ugly. Anyway, if you have advice or suggestions or even words of encouragement, I'll be grateful.

Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by Pandora » Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:49 pm

I wish I had some words that would make it all better, but unfortunately all I can offer is hugs. :ymhug: You've been through a lot - from a couple of assaults to verbal abuse. Have you ever attended counseling? It sounds like you've got a whole lot wrapped up in your limerence and a trained ear might be better able to help you sort out all the threads. Not to say that you're not welcome to post here, but an IRL support might be useful.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

L-F
Posts: 2147
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
New Zealand

Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by L-F » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:06 am

Welcome to the forum W&W!
Loads of information on here.

Your title says you are disgusted with yourself - just want to say, go easy on yourself. Limerence happens to many people for various reasons. One thing us limerents need to learn is being kind to ourselves throughout the limerence journey.

Keep reading and posting :) you are not on your own here.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

wisteria.and.wine
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:13 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:24 am

Pandora wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:49 pm
I wish I had some words that would make it all better, but unfortunately all I can offer is hugs. :ymhug: You've been through a lot - from a couple of assaults to verbal abuse. Have you ever attended counseling? It sounds like you've got a whole lot wrapped up in your limerence and a trained ear might be better able to help you sort out all the threads. Not to say that you're not welcome to post here, but an IRL support might be useful.
Thank you. I just really needed to come here and get it all out. I'm sure my friends are very aggravated whenever I talk about these feelings. I don't believe they understand... and until last night when I discovered limerence, I didn't understand myself.
I have been to a psychotherapist. Basically, I was being forced to go when I was younger and didn't get much out of it because there were always breaches of my confidentiality. My therapist would ask my grams to go into the room first. They would "discuss" me as if I were an insect that needed to be dissected. I was diagnosed with depression and an eating disorder but I refused all medication. I'm 99.9% sure my therapist would tell my grams things I said so I would sit in my therapy sessions and just stare at her. I was always monitoring my words because I didn't want my grandparents to find out anything. My grandparents were always invading my privacy to the point that they were smothering and I had no privacy.
As an adult, I don't trust therapists... even though I'm in school to become a psychologist myself. I also can't afford therapy at the moment being in graduate school.
I also feel like by me posting on here about N it will be just more reinforcement for these feelings I have towards him. Holding them in isn't good, but it seems like I have the compulsive urge to talk about him all the time. I didn't even know him! I can list all his flaws! There is a list a mile long and I only texted with him for 2 weeks. I also suffer from something called skin hunger. I haven't been hugged, intimate, or even brushed up another human being in almost 5 years ASIDE from N. I feel like the loneliest person in the world.

wisteria.and.wine
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Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:13 pm
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Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:31 am

L-F wrote:
Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:06 am
Welcome to the forum W&W!
Loads of information on here.

Your title says you are disgusted with yourself - just want to say, go easy on yourself. Limerence happens to many people for various reasons. One thing us limerents need to learn is being kind to ourselves throughout the limerence journey.

Keep reading and posting :) you are not on your own here.
Thank you. I'm trying to determine why this is happening to me and if I will ever NOT be limerent. Maybe this is just how I love?
But then I ask myself, "If someone were to be limerent with me and I didn't like them, how would I react?" The answer is I'd probably get a restraining order. I'm a hypocrite. I'm sick. I'm perverse. It's very hard to not be hard on myself. I'm not a dangerous person, very far from it. I just feel intensely and I've never been loved properly... by anyone. I could never harm anyone. I'm really trying to be nicer to myself but it's very hard when you consider that books and movies are written about people like this and portray them as some sort of sadistic stalker.
That's not me! I don't act like that. But I'm also seeing parallels and vilifying myself for it! =(( :((

L-F
Posts: 2147
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
New Zealand

Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by L-F » Mon Jan 14, 2019 1:03 am

You sound like a strong intelligent woman. And I love that you are studying to become a psychologist!
It pains me to read how you were treated like an insect that needed to be dissected.

Wishing you all the best on this difficult and often painful journey. You have our support.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

wisteria.and.wine
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:13 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:40 am

L-F wrote:
Mon Jan 14, 2019 1:03 am
You sound like a strong intelligent woman. And I love that you are studying to become a psychologist!
It pains me to read how you were treated like an insect that needed to be dissected.

Wishing you all the best on this difficult and often painful journey. You have our support.
Thank you. Since posting here I feel slightly better but I'm just trying to survive a limerent flare up. Idk if posting will help or reinforce these obsessive thoughts in the long term.

MrSpock
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Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by MrSpock » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:42 am

Hi WAW,

Welcome to the forum!

One thing you might already know is that limerence is itself just the symptom of a much deeper and severe problem. The way to overcome limerence is by solving, or healing, that underlying problem.
From your posts, the biggest underlying problem pops out incredibly loud!
Allow me to select some parts of your words, starting with the post title:

"I'm disgusted with myself"
wisteria.and.wine wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 9:26 pm
... because I'm ridiculously ugly.

... But somewhere I knew he wasn't physically attracted to me. Part of my dissociation stemmed from me wanting to be pretty enough, good enough for him and knew I wasn't. ...

... because I'm ugly

Basically, I was left to draw my own conclusions. My conclusion is that I'm ugly. I'm worthless. I'm not worthy of love or respect. No one will ever love me or be interested in me because I didn't win the genetic lottery.

Because I'm ugly.

... because I'm so incredibly unattractive

.. because I'm so ugly
Look at how many times you said that you are ugly in just one post. And also how you think it explains the way boys treat you and don't want to date you.

I very strongly recommend that you get into therapy as soon as possible. Not psychoanalysis like you did in the past, but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. While I don't think CBT works for limerence, it does work with such a profound miss-perception of yourself.

Why did I said miss-perception? First, because NO ONE is so ugly to that it needs to be said 7 times on a presentation. That's is clearly the way you see yourself, but then, how you see yourself is clearly a miss-perception.

And how do I know is a miss-perception? because when you meet N, and he was so great, you dissociated. And you yourself figured out that it responded to the fact that you couldn't allow the "ugly you" to be right there with N, but since you are profoundly convinced that you are ugly, your mind last resort was to dissociate.

Now, you'll probably thinking that I've never seen you, so what do I know? maybe you really are ugly and is not a problem with your own perception.

Well, as it turns out, that's not the way we work at all. What we see is always modulated by what we believe. So, if you think you are ugly, you'll see yourself that way and you will be convinced that how other see you. Whereas if you think you are, at least, OK, even if not beautiful, you'll see yourself that way and will perceive the others think you are that way too.

Now, do you believe that you are ugly because you "see that" when you look at yourself in the mirror, or because YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD that you are, so you just believe it?

I'm not a psychic to know, but I bet that your primary caregivers (grandparents?) from your childhood told you, as repeatedly as you wrote it here, that you are ugly, unworthy, and not good enough.

So, if you come to see how you see yourself directly in the way those how raised you saw you, and told you, what do you do now?

You learn about what being ugly or beautiful really is all about. Is a girl beautiful because of the color of her eyes, the tone of skin, the body figure? all that helps, yet, but as a male I can absolutely assure you that is much more about what she expresses than about the vehicle of that expression. You can even do an online search on "beauty research" and you'll see how the expression in the eyes, the smile, the attitude, even "the care reflected" in the fact that you are, say, well dressed, clean, combed etc... matters the most when it comes to recognize someone as beautiful.

You don't need genetics to look beautiful, you just need to understand that beauty or ugliness is what you express, not what you use to express it.

Work on that. MAKE yourself beautiful. PROJECT beauty (for which you need to stop thinking that you are ugly).

wisteria.and.wine
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Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by wisteria.and.wine » Mon Jan 14, 2019 3:57 am

MrSpock wrote:
Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:42 am

I very strongly recommend that you get into therapy as soon as possible. Not psychoanalysis like you did in the past, but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. While I don't think CBT works for limerence, it does work with such a profound miss-perception of yourself.

Now, do you believe that you are ugly because you "see that" when you look at yourself in the mirror, or because YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD that you are, so you just believe it?

I'm not a psychic to know, but I bet that your primary caregivers (grandparents?) from your childhood told you, as repeatedly as you wrote it here, that you are ugly, unworthy, and not good enough.
Thank you for your reply. I know considering myself ugly is part of the problem. I have been to CBT before for many years to help with my eating disorder and work on the way I see myself. I've seen countless therapists and none of it ever works. It's not just the way I see myself it's how everyone else perceives me as well.

Let me briefly recount the people in my life who have told me that I'm ugly.
First guy I mentioned in 5th grade that told me I was so ugly I deserved to be raped.
The guy who raped me told me after that he did me a favor because no one else ever would be with me.
Countless guys (I can think of 10 off the top of my head) that I asked out were actually nice and polite and good friends of mine. I asked them out and all of them said no because they were not attracted to me. So, I'm not always going after people I can't have. Some of them were genuinely nice people but I was not their cup of tea physically.
My high school bf, and longest relationship, told me I was a huge disappointment to him when he first saw me naked. When I was 110lbs he also told me my stomach was disgusting and I was fat and should never wear skimpy clothes lest my belly show. After that I started wearing XXXL hoodies and gained a lot of weight. Now I'm considered overweight. I try to workout and eat healthy but I just can't seem to lose it again no matter what I do. I don't have a thyroid issue either.
Anyway, next the guy that punched me in the face... etc. I explained that one in my OP.
Then another guy I dated told me I was gross naked.
I've had random guys bark at me from cars.
I've had NUMEROUS guys (drunk and sober) tell me I was the most hideous troll they'd ever seen and would I please just hook them up with my friend because they were tired of talking to me.
I've had guys literally ELBOW ME OUT OF THE WAY to talk to my friends.
When I was out dancing at a club once, a photographer took a picture of my group of friends. He told me to get out of the shot because I would just ruin the picture.
A couple years ago, there was a guy holding the door open for a pretty girl. I thought he would keep holding it for me too.... that is until he saw what I looked like. HE LITERALLY LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN AND CURLED HIS LIP IN DISGUST AT ME AND SLAMMED THE DOOR IN MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X( X( X( X(

All these experiences are just the tip of the iceberg. My grandparents never called me ugly or worthless or anything. In fact, they always made me feel protected and loved for the most part. But they also never said I was beautiful either. No one thought I was beautiful as a child or told me I was. Some of my girl friends think I'm pretty/cute now, but I can't bring myself to believe them. I know this is part of my problem.

It's such a huge problem that whenever I do like someone I have this INTEEENNNSSSEE fear of rejection. So much so that the idea of telling the person of my affections that I like them literally sends me into an instant panic attack and I can barely breathe.

Honestly, N probably thought he was catfished. I learned my lesson not to talk to cute guys. I learned my lesson not to try to find real love. It's just not for me.

I have looked at beauty research - I'm in graduate school for psychology lol how could I not? There is a lot of research on how physical attractiveness affects peoples lives. Attractiveness is subjective, yes, but there are some universal things that are attractive. Attractiveness or lack thereof can affect almost every aspect of your life from the number of social opportunities, job interviews, pool of romantic partners you have to choose from... even the kind of medical care you receive or don't receive. To say that "no one is ugly" is just so weird to me. I can't accept that statement.

I'm not trying to be obstinate. This is truly just my lot in life.

crushed1234
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Re: I just discovered limerence and I'm disgusted with myself...

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Jan 15, 2019 2:36 am

My heart goes out to you… I’m so sorry to hear about the things that have happened to you and the harsh words that have been spoken to you… no one deserves that.

I know how much we seek validation from others, especially from the opposite sex and continuously getting rejected (or outright abused) must be heartbreaking. But the thing is your appearance does not determine your worth. In fact, our bodies has nothing to do with who we are. It’s just simply the vehicle that carries us through life. The problem is that we get so darn attached to our bodies and identify with it (I’m fat, I got a big nose, I’m ugly… etc). Starting to identify ourselves with the core of who we are - not based on our looks, our sex, sexual orientation, or careers, but rather who we are on the inside takes a lot of inner work but just being aware were we draw our identity from is the first step.

It’s also important to understand how our limiting believes are formed. A wounded boy told you something extremely hurtful in grade 5. Being insecure (as all of us are at that age) you adopted his words as your own belief. This continued to be enforced over and over getting rooted deeper and deeper in you. As a psychologist student I’m sure you are well aware of our unconscious. You are now telling everyone that you meet that “I’m ugly” from a subconscious place. People pick up on this and reflect it back to you. I’m not minimizing the the privilege that the ones who won the genetic lottery has - I’m totally with you on that. But I believe that our limiting believes are WAY more powerful that we can comprehend.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t had luck with therapy in the past. I would strongly encourage you to try to find someone you’re comfortable with to start to work on your limiting believes. For me, seeing a Shaman/life coach, where I was received without judgment and having this "safe zone" where I could bring all my flaws, grave missteps relating to LO/LE, and wounds I’ve had my whole life into light has been absolutely critical in my healing. I actually stopped seeing my therapist because the empathy that my Shaman showed me was like nothing I'd ever experienced in my whole life. My heart just fills to the brim with gratitude when I reflect on unconditional support she's given me. I know there are lots of good “helping” professionals out there so I hope you can find one.

Please know this - you are worthy! :ymhug: With the right support, and willingness to want more from yourself and your life you will one day get there!

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