Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Does disclosure to our Limerent/Love Object help?
Post Reply
Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by Pandora » Sun Jan 13, 2019 6:43 pm

This board tends to lean towards not disclosing, so I wanted to provide my own experience on the topic. Mind you, I disclosed only a day ago, so there may still be fallout that I have not experienced yet.

I have arrived at a point where I just genuinely wanted this limerence experience to be over. I had come to a heartfelt decision (compared to all the logical 'I know this needs to end, but I don't really want it to' decisions I had made previously). I wanted my dignity back, and knew I'd never find that by continuing to engage in limerent behaviours.

For about a week I ignored LO's texts (that is the only way we communicate). However, I'd experience this anxiety whenever i received a text from him, and I'd feel bad about not responding. I asked myself 'What would a woman with dignity do?' I decided that a woman with dignity wouldn't feel fear every time someone sent an innocuous text because she was afraid of being called out on shitty behaviour. A woman with dignity wouldn't just ghost someone who had done nothing to warrant such treatment. A woman with dignity would stand up and admit that the situation was on her, but she couldn't continue communicating. So I text LO a text saying that due to feelings on my side my communication with him had become inappropriate and I'd have to stop.

LO's response was kind, but it also really drove home how one-sided my feelings really were. I won't post the details here, because I still do worry that one day he might stumble across my posts here and recognize himself, but what he sent was so hilarious that all I could do was laugh about how much energy I put into someone that didn't really give me a second thought. I wasn't angry - it was very freeing, and I'm grateful.

Then he kept sending texts (nothing demanding or inappropriate or malicious, just more texts about nothing in particular) and I just got annoyed. I thought about it for a while and then added his number to my list of spam callers. It doesn't block his messages but just bypasses letting me know he's texted me and they go into the spam folder.

So thus far it has been a positive experience on my end. I think now I realize that I could have just stopped replying to his messages and he probably wouldn't have even registered my silence, but if I had done that I don't think I would have understood just how unimportant I was in his life. I would have created these scenarios in my head where he was at home, weeping over the fact that I had ghosted him but too shy to actually come out and ask why, and the tortured love would have lived on in my fantasies.

I'll update this thread if there are other consequences to my disclosure, good or bad, but for right now I'm happy about the decision I made. I'm horrifically embarrassed as well, but the embarrassment will fade much faster than the limerence would have.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Pattihopeful
Posts: 92
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:18 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by Pattihopeful » Mon Jan 14, 2019 11:38 am

We all have to do what is best for us. It sounds like this was a big step for you. I hope it goes well and that only good comes from it. Please keep us updated. I am in thick fog and your posts are helping me.

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3555
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:10 pm

Thanks for the very helpful post. I thought off and on about it with my former LO, but never did. The only way I would've been willing to do that is if I thought we would end up together. Even in the midst of it there was really no guarantee of that so I didn't. I did have a moment after I left that workplace and went back to visit after a few months, when former LO was less than inviting and it just kind of hit me, that here I was wasting my time.
The irony that is the disordered dictating order.

Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by Pandora » Tue Jan 15, 2019 5:41 pm

Thanks you two!
JupiterTaco wrote: ↑
Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:10 pm
The only way I would've been willing to do that is if I thought we would end up together.
Definitely! If I had disclosed any earlier, it would have been because I desired reciprocation. I was fortunate in that I was genuinely at a place where I just wanted to sever ties and it didn't matter if LO reciprocated or not. However, now I realize that my disclosure was driven by the limerent belief that we had this special connection and it would be devastating to him if I just stopped communicating =)) Silly Pandora! But it worked out for the best.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by Pandora » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:30 pm

Alright, so I said I'd update if there were further repercussions to my disclosing. I wouldn't really call this a repercussion, but he's still texting me. Just pictures of innocuous things, a couple of times a week, and he doesn't seem to expect a response. It doesn't bother me at this point and I don't feel the need to respond. However it made me realize that, if I ever have to disclose again (which hopefully this will be my last limerent experience) that it would be worth it to phrase myself differently. I told him I couldn't continue communicating because of my feelings, whereas it would have been better to set a boundary indicating that I didn't want him to contact me either. If the texts do start bothering me, I can add him to my spam numbers.

I've replaced my previous view of our relationship (that's we're longing for each other) with another narrative: that he has the memory capability of a Commodore 64 and has either forgotten my disclosure or just spams his contact list with pictures and doesn't even remember that I'm on there. His horrible memory has more of a basis in reality than my 'star-crossed lovers' narrative, so that's a positive step forward, and it also starves my internal need to be something special to him. It's entirely possible that he's continuing to message me because he's flattered by my interest, and even if that is the case I can't find it in myself to be cross with him. It's nice to be wanted, and I can't blame anyone for chasing that high.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

daydreamer
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by daydreamer » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:44 pm

my LO also broke NC after the disclosure and rejection, and I reminded her a few times (in an indirect way) that I need distance. however, i noticed that every time i contacted her, the turmoil was lesser and lesser, and looks like I achieved "tolerance" and now the few texts between us don't bother me anymore. I managed to put together a brotherly bound between us that replaced the one-sided romantic love and the fact that she accepted now to be my imaginary sister put me at ease. Maybe that is the acceptance that I sought from her in the first place?

Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by Pandora » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:51 pm

jack, that is such a lovely place to be at! It sounds like you managed to change your narrative of your relationship with her. I doubt I'd be able to do that myself so I admire people who can.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

daydreamer
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:44 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I Had a Beneficial Disclosure Experience

Post by daydreamer » Tue Jan 22, 2019 11:46 pm

to be fair, it's a journey and not a destination. the spark of romantic feelings is still there and it a struggle to fight the temptation to give in. I'm also weary of unlimited contact as it could be easily a slippery slope. basically I'm asking myself all the time how would i behave if she was my beloved sister and I try to emulate it.

it's interesting how Plato used to disdain "earthly love" and idealized the "divine love." i'm trying to climb his "ladder of love."

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests