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Made a decision

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Made a decision

Post by Pandora » Fri Jan 11, 2019 9:08 pm

I texted LO last Saturday, and it felt so... empty. He responded, but it wasn't with the level of intense conversation that I had hoped to garner from him, and I just felt absolutely pathetic. I had this mental picture of myself as a love-struck teenage girl, annoying the shit out of her object of affection, and I thought 'I am too old for this shit.'

I wrestled with myself for the rest of the day. I knew I should go NC because I was tired of the ups and downs and having limerence consume my life. And yet I was also afraid to, because I didn't want to get geared up, go through withdrawal again, and then wind up failing and going back to the way I was before. The failures get demoralizing.

But the image of myself as the teenage girl stuck in my mind, and I realized that what I want more than limerence right now is dignity. A woman with dignity doesn't harass a man to get attention from him. A woman with dignity doesn't obsess over someone she can't have, placing the obsession above her own well-being and that of her marriage. A woman with dignity doesn't forsake her wonderful husband for the fantasy of someone she doesn't know that well. A woman with dignity doesn't sit around and hope her LO will escalate things so that, if something did happen, she would be blameless because of (insane limerence logic). Limerence has me demoralized and until I really sat in my feelings around it, I didn't realize how little dignity I have left.

So I made a decision. Instead of waiting around and hoping that something magical would happen that allowed me to be with LO, I decided to take charge and go NC. I decided that my dignity was worth more to me than the cheap thrill I got from LO contacting me. I decided that I would be a woman of honour who was dedicated to her marriage instead of chasing the next shiny object that came along. I decided I would start respecting myself and my husband again. I decided that I would stop being an annoying fangirl chasing LO.

While I feel much more at peace and myself again, I also feel a little bipolar in many respects. Sometimes I think of LO never contacting me again, and that makes me almost happy. Other times when I think of it, my chest hurts and I want to cry. When I think of LO, I alternatively see him as a sensitive, kind soul and then as a manipulative asshole.

Something that is helping me so far is trying to foster gratitude, for I have much to be thankful for. LO has had a big impact on my life outside of limerence, and I'm grateful for what he has done for me. In terms of limerence, I obviously needed to learn this lesson and I got an LO whom I will most likely never see again, whose only contact with me is via text and who I share no social or professional circles with.

He did text me a few days ago, and I haven't responded. I feel badly for just ghosting him, because he hasn't done anything to deserve that. However, it's ironic. When I was in the full throws of limerence, I'd never full pledge myself to the idea of having an affair, and yet I would think 'Affairs are terrifically common. If I did have one, it would be one of the millions that have happened in human history.' Yet when I think of ghosting him with no explanation, something that must be 1000x more common than an affair, I think 'That is so unnecessarily cruel!'

I'm still upset about the idea of ghosting him without a reason, and I still waiver on just telling him that I am attracted to him, and therefore I can't communicate with him anymore. But I keep reminding myself that I don't have to do anything now, and if the time comes to address my radio silence then I can waffle with it then. It may never happen. I also have to keep in mind that, while I assume a confession of attraction from someone also 20 years his junior would simply be a nice ego-boost, it may actually damage him more than just keeping silent. I have no way of knowing either way.

I know I'm still in the early stages of NC, but this bout of it feels stronger than my previous bouts. I don't feel like I'm white-knuckling it this time, even if there is pain involved with withdrawal. And if it turns out that this is another failure in the NC realm, I will simply have to pick myself up and try again.

So, anyway, thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best!
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Pattihopeful
Posts: 92
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Re: Made a decision

Post by Pattihopeful » Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:19 pm

Thank you for sharing this! It perfectly describes the thought process. I hate that I chase my LO. This is so insightful and truthful. Lots to think about!

Pudding
Posts: 730
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Made a decision

Post by Pudding » Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:36 pm

All you can do is keep trying, right? I’m right there with you. Well, I’m trying to deal with LC as best as I can, and the unpredictable nature of not being able to much control when I see/speak to LO. It’s frustrating. Some days I feel like I’m handling things well and others... ~x(

Just keep on keeping on!
F 38
LO is M 36, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015

Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Made a decision

Post by Pandora » Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:10 pm

Pattihopeful wrote:
Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:19 pm
Thank you for sharing this! It perfectly describes the thought process. I hate that I chase my LO. This is so insightful and truthful. Lots to think about!
Thank you! I wonder about the difference between men and women who have limerence. I wonder if chasing wears on female limerents more, because (typically) we have to do less chasing in romance? Whereas with men it is more par for the course that they have to chase after women they're interested in. If any men want to chime in on that, your experience would be interesting!
Pudding wrote:
Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:36 pm
All you can do is keep trying, right? I’m right there with you. Well, I’m trying to deal with LC as best as I can, and the unpredictable nature of not being able to much control when I see/speak to LO. It’s frustrating. Some days I feel like I’m handling things well and others... ~x(

Just keep on keeping on!
Exactly! They say it takes something like 7 or 8 tries to quit smoking on average, so I have to try to give myself more compassion for my fuck ups. As they say, nothing worth having comes easily.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Whiskeyjack
Posts: 144
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:25 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Made a decision

Post by Whiskeyjack » Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:16 pm

Good on you Pandora.
But the image of myself as the teenage girl stuck in my mind, and I realized that what I want more than limerence right now is dignity. A woman with dignity doesn't harass a man to get attention from him. A woman with dignity doesn't obsess over someone she can't have, placing the obsession above her own well-being and that of her marriage. A woman with dignity doesn't forsake her wonderful husband for the fantasy of someone she doesn't know that well. A woman with dignity doesn't sit around and hope her LO will escalate things so that, if something did happen, she would be blameless because of (insane limerence logic). Limerence has me demoralized and until I really sat in my feelings around it, I didn't realize how little dignity I have left.
I found this quite inspiring. It holds to the notion that the LE is about us, what it does to us and fixing what's wrong is our responsibility. Wishing you strength and best of luck with your NC!

Tremington
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Re: Made a decision

Post by Tremington » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:02 am

I'm a married guy and my LO was alot younger than me. I stepped out of my marriage and during that brief time, it was amazing, like out of a movie amazing. Best single kiss of my life amazing. Then came the reality of " what now"? I wasn't leaving my wife and kids for her but here it is she is limerent for me. She was devastated I didn't leave, ( like what woman could love a man who just up and left his wife and kids for you?) We lasted 4 months and never disclosed fully because we didn't have to. We both just knew. We went NC several times, months on end at times and the last time we connected she became my LO! It was absolutely horrible. I realized how much pain I had put her through, how much pain I was going through. Horrible, truly horrible and agonizing. This was after suffering through 3-4 of her boyfriends after we stopped. Knowing that was truly horrible and depressing. Thank God I don't do social media!! I don't know how other people can see that and not want to jump off a bridge. During the whole time with her I kept thinking I was in control ( older, more $, established, etc,) truth was I was waaay out of control with my limerence being the big slap wake up call to that FACT.

We both messed up doing it and we both paid a terrible price for it. The guilt and shame was devestating for me, the pain I felt for both of them LW and LO was literally almost enough to make me insane. BUT, I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION BY STAYING. So hard to see that when your brain is all doped up over your LO.

I go NC for her and me now. I have caused her enough pain in her life. I'm married and have a responsibility to my family. We both did NC at the exact same time without even saying it because I know we both got triggered seeing each other and the emotional aftermath was horrible.

I work hard on myself and my marriage now, focus on my kids, etc. The Dopamine is powerful folks!

So yeah, guys can feel it too. I literally have to leave her alone if I truly care about her and her hapiness. I have to live with that everyday. I want us both to be happy even if it is without each other.

Mind, bending PAIN.

Pattihopeful
Posts: 92
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Re: Made a decision

Post by Pattihopeful » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:19 am

I have been in current LE since July and I realize it is never satisfied. At first an email every couple of days was good then a call once in a while. Then emails almost every day. Then a call a week. Now a call almost every day to texting and invite for call/text on weekends and nights. The longing and anxiety has made me weep for hours. I want to text now but I want my dignity! We work together. I need to start decreasing chasing him. I can't thank all of you enough for being real. I so want to disclose.When at my worst I listen to sappy songs. One line that rips me from ELO Midnight Blue is "I count the words that I am never gonna say and I see you in Midnight Blue. Can't you feel the love that I'm offering you can't you see how its meant to be...."

Tremington
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:20 am
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Made a decision

Post by Tremington » Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:08 am

It's the Dopamine talkin'.

Pandora
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Made a decision

Post by Pandora » Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:44 am

Whiskeyjack wrote:
Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:16 pm
I found this quite inspiring. It holds to the notion that the LE is about us, what it does to us and fixing what's wrong is our responsibility. Wishing you strength and best of luck with your NC!
Thank you so much Whiskeyjack! And you are very correct - I've never felt particularly dignified for most of my life, and of course limerence just drives it further into the ground. In fact, right now I'm a little grateful for limerence. It gives me a direct chance to choose dignity over the alternative, and I'm hoping this will be the start of seeing how to compose myself with dignity in other areas of my life as well.
Pattihopeful wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:19 am
The longing and anxiety has made me weep for hours. I want to text now but I want my dignity!
It is such a difficult place to be in. Hugs! :ymhug: There's a quote that I like - 'If that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find without'. And everyone has dignity within them, sometimes we just need some help to find it.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

MetsFan
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Made a decision

Post by MetsFan » Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:45 am

Wow - Tremington your story is so close to mine. How long have you been NC and how is it going?

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