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My followup after 2 months

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
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daydreamer
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My followup after 2 months

Post by daydreamer » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:10 pm

I came back to the forum after a hiatus to document my success story in case someone else may benefit from it.
Now, 2 months hardly feels like "long term" but it does feel like I'm cured.

I'll rehash the details here: I was in LE for almost a year with an old flame who initiated the contact because she needed professional help. I had a major crush for her 30 years ago, but it was unrequited. Apparently, i still loved her but I didn't know it until now. So, as soon as we started writing to each other regularly I was completely in love again like a teenager with all the fireworks, etc. It took only a week and it was even before we spoke on a phone. In retrospect, she skillfully manipulated me, in part unconsciously, I guess.

Anyhow, it quickly reached the extremes of limerence (that was unknown to me at the time): I could not sleep or stop thinking about her and had to take certain medications to keep my balance at work and family life. I was euphoric during phone calls, but dysphoric from dopamine withdrawal afterwards. My professional life suffered and my SO was crushed by the revelations about this new "friendship" that she considered an emotional cheating, that I protested, but she was right. Even while medicated, I treated her as my new religion and she was my goddess.

Eventually, I fully confessed to LO and she panicked and terminated the "friendship." NC started. That was 2 months ago. I took it very hard and I had to take more meds to be able to function normally. Interestingly, one of them (I posted about it in a separate thread if anyone interested) turned out to be quite effective in deleting obsessive thoughts about her. That was the key. I also changed my mindset about her, visualizing how I was manipulated and used by her to be later rejected and dumped when inconvenient. The love and worship quickly turned in anger at her. At the same time I educated myself about limerence and how the LS get addicted to a LO and become obsessed not unlike in OCD. This all worked in concert with the final good bye letter and deleting social media and I fully accepted that we will never see each other and I need to rebuild my life without her.

The NC and the new mindset worked great. After several weeks, I started thinking less and less and the thoughts were not emotionally charged as before. I slowly started finding pleasure in daily life. I started some new supplements that helped me with being clear minded and social.

Now, she broke NC around holidays and new year twice, I guess to be nice. I responded coldly writing her that there needs to be a distance between us. While her email/SMS didn't upset me too much (surprisingly), the act of responding put me in a short lived turmoil. But that passed too, especially after a foreign trip for the new year celebration (distractions are good).

Despite that, she contacted me again in the new year. Initially I was going to ignore it and not respond keeping in mind the recent reaction, but eventually I got tempted to see how bad I’ll react to it. I fired another letter coldly asking why she bothers me and this time, no emotions came back. It sounded like the new role of cold person I played worked well. Encouraged, I exchanged a few words by texting later and saw no old emotions coming back. Then I risked it all: I told her to call me if she wanted to talk. That conversation happened this AM and I’m at peace afterwards. There was no euphoria during and no dysphoria afterwards. We talked like friends and nothing else. She apologized and I reluctantly did so. She did say I made a big impact in her life (well yeah, after all that worship and sacrifice, LOL) and made her a better person. It was important to hear that for my wounded narcissistic ego I guess. We made each other no promises, but it was understood, we are still friends (but nothing else).

Now, when I think about her, it more like about a sister that I always wanted to have. So, there is still love, but more like a brotherly love. That helps to filter erotic component out (that persisted from over 30 years ago).

So, in summary, NC works very well, meds can help in the darkest or most difficult moments, but the most important stuff is the mindset of LS. Limerence it triggered when erotic pathways are activated in our brains (IMHO). Being careful to filter eroticism from the relationship kills LE.
Please let me know if this makes any sense.
Thanks for listening.

Jack

JupiterTaco
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by JupiterTaco » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:55 pm

Glad to hear you're doing better, Jack. I just want to throw something out there that might help. I returned to relationships that I had as a LS (even friendships), that I was sure I could look at in a different way, but I only found myself being drawn back to unhealthy relationship patterns and had to distance myself again. It's very hard to start new with old people if that makes sense.
"Feed the positive, starve the negative"-#MondayMotivation

MrSpock
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:01 pm

Jack, is AWESOME that you managed to do this and had this type of conversation with her!
jack wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:10 pm
... but the most important stuff is the mindset of LS. Limerence it triggered when erotic pathways are activated in our brains (IMHO). Being careful to filter eroticism from the relationship kills LE.
For what is worth, that looks a LOT like the perspective presented in this other thread:

http://www.limerence.net/forum/viewtopi ... =37&t=5425

daydreamer
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by daydreamer » Fri Jan 11, 2019 5:31 pm

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:01 pm
Jack, is AWESOME that you managed to do this and had this type of conversation with her!
jack wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:10 pm
... but the most important stuff is the mindset of LS. Limerence it triggered when erotic pathways are activated in our brains (IMHO). Being careful to filter eroticism from the relationship kills LE.
For what is worth, that looks a LOT like the perspective presented in this other thread:

http://www.limerence.net/forum/viewtopi ... =37&t=5425
I guess your level of writing exceeds my level of comprehension, because it took me a while (and reading it twice) to understand. Yes, we are talking about similar things. Ie: transforming limerence into healthy love. your approach is (if I understood correctly) by accepting the erotic component but not letting your brain's dopamine circuits react too much to it. my approach is by trying to eliminate the erotic component altogether.

BTW, Thank you all for responding. I'm aware this is a journey and a relapse can happen at some point in the future (with the same or different LO). But I should be able to recognize LE coming back in early stages and I know how to defend against it.

Good luck to you all!

Helpmeplease
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by Helpmeplease » Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:07 pm

Really appreciate you sharing this Jack. Just also read the link. Love/sisterly love/ erotic thoughts have been in my mind and erotic bit is the bit I am ashamed of and need gone. Hard to filter that out and am very pleased you have managed :)

daydreamer
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by daydreamer » Sun Apr 14, 2019 10:34 pm

I thought I should update this thread on my journey over 5 months since the rejection and NC started. it was a bit a yo-yo, as since i wrote the above, we resumed LC with the idea, that we both need that friendship and we not ready to give up. Well, the LC slowly escalated to almost daily contact (phone and/or messages) and the friendly/brotherly love mindset escalated to limerence, but not as severe as before, maybe 20% of the initial intensity. then a week of NC slowed it down. i used a week of traveling and it was great to use travel as a distraction and medicine.

since I came back from the vacation, i promised myself to limit to LC only, but that escalated a bit again. I have to admit, we are both needy. But then something happened unexpectedly. I spontaneously blurted out that i still like her a lot, even though I'm sure she knows that very well. She responded with acknowledgement and in a way that sounded like she likes me too (reading between the lines). Now, this is very different from before that she was very careful not to give me any hopes of reciprocity. This time she didn't deny it at all.

Now, common sense and what we hear on this forum suggests that would make me relapse into full blown limerance, but it didn't happen. while i was near euphoric immediately (dopamine!), i was also more relaxed and at peace and not thinking compulsively about the LE and the LO afterwards. then i remembered that knowing that LO really wanted to be friends with me after all (3 months ago when i started the thread) helped me too to lower the intensity of limerence.

now, i'm thinking the whole suffering from LE is from the need of reciprocity and not getting any and/or agonizing over the uncertainty about it. As soon as one gets partial reciprocity, the huge hole in our hart is plugged up and we can heal again. now, ideally we should fix that yourself via "heavy lifting," but as we all know, it's not easy and not working that well. has anyone have a similar experience?

I'm thinking, this is not inconsistent with what L-F keeps saying, that if one got the maximum reciprocity from LO, ie LO wanted to move in with LS, that would effectively cure one from LE.
Last edited by daydreamer on Mon Apr 15, 2019 3:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

daydreamer
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by daydreamer » Mon Apr 15, 2019 2:51 am

one more thing. i noticed that every time i traveled to new places and met new people, the LE lessened. comes back some when getting back home, but not as strong. nice way to deal with LE when everything else fails.
this suggests to me that LE is an escape from boredom or a distraction.

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:06 am

Thanks for sharing the link! Yeeeeeesssssss with the reciprocity. It’s like it makes the anxiety go away, at least temporarily. But that feeling is so addictive.

The stories on here seem to follow two paths. Some people become limerent about someone they don’t really interact with much, kind of limerent from afar. Others have this LO that pursues & reaches out & kind of drags us in. Sometimes even after they know how we feel. This can be pretty confusing. It would make more sense if they just ignored us. I guess there is some part of them that likes the attention & power.

daydreamer
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by daydreamer » Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:25 am

AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:06 am
I guess there is some part of them that likes the attention & power.
very much so. there is a term "amorous narcissist." i think my LO is that. to her defense, she thinks or at least thought, she is doing men a favor being their LO.

the 2 pathways you mentioned may have one thing in common: we think the LO is interested in us. but, sometimes it's pure illusion/delusion and sometimes it's deception. it shows how desperate we are for validation from others. i still remember craving for that as a child and i didn't grow out of it. unfortunately i don't know how to effectively selfvalidate.

edit: i just googled and resources are available for selfvalidation too.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-v ... rt-system/
https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content ... zzetti.pdf
https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialect ... -you-crave

Bridget
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Re: My followup after 2 months

Post by Bridget » Sat Apr 27, 2019 8:35 pm

daydreamer wrote:
Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:25 am
AnnieKaye9924 wrote:
Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:06 am
I guess there is some part of them that likes the attention & power.
very much so. there is a term "amorous narcissist." i think my LO is that. to her defense, she thinks or at least thought, she is doing men a favor being their LO.

the 2 pathways you mentioned may have one thing in common: we think the LO is interested in us. but, sometimes it's pure illusion/delusion and sometimes it's deception. it shows how desperate we are for validation from others. i still remember craving for that as a child and i didn't grow out of it. unfortunately i don't know how to effectively selfvalidate.

edit: i just googled and resources are available for selfvalidation too.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-v ... rt-system/
https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content ... zzetti.pdf
https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialect ... -you-crave
Thanks for sharing these links, daydreamer. Self validation is really tough to believe in, and I know I resisted the idea for years. "All I need is attention from LO, and there was no way I can give myself what I got from LO." That was my thinking. But I've learned that my LE flares up the more overworked or self-sacrificial I am with my family. Taking on a "me-first" attitude and making sure my deeper needs are met is more provides a sense of pleasure and validation that lasts longer and is more reliable than LO ever was.

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