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It's over.

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Cookie
Posts: 476
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

It's over.

Post by Cookie » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:24 pm

Hello fellow limerents,

Sooner or later, it just ends. It may be clean as a whistle; it may be an ugly, cataclysmic explosion; it may be something in between. But it ends.

I sit here in the library at age 52, with a man perhaps 25 years older sitting behind me. He's reading in between hoarse coughs. How much time does he have left? How much time do I have left? Who knows? As L-F said in Marko's recent thread, there are no guarantees.

Yesterday, the walls came tumbling down. It was a day of rejection...or perceived rejection, to be more accurate:

--I was informed that my long-term government contract job would not be renewed this year, after five years of excelling in it. Not entirely because of the shutdown, but it didn't help. I never really liked the work, but I liked getting the work each year and the "award" of the contract.

--Current LO just got back from two weeks visiting his "girlfriend" on the opposite coast, suddenly eager to see me. Why? I wondered. Per his report, they had "very little sex" and he craved me. Apparently she also told him he was "too horny." Yeah, I bet. I pressed him. "Why are you doing this with her if you aren't compatible and there are no long-term plans?" LO says, "Oh, but there ARE plans. We just have an arrangement for now." I don't like him very much, but I liked getting his attention. I told him I couldn't talk for a while. He doesn't know that means ever.

--Newer/brief LO (yeah, haven't even posted about this nonsense), who is 20 years younger and pursued me like a mad dog over the holidays, wanted me to come watch him get a tattoo today. :ymsick: I had stayed up late last night on a work project, and as I was going to bed just happened to check Facebook, where he announced his hot date with a local (redneck, more age-appropriate) girl. I felt gutted. And stupid. I never really liked him, but I liked getting his attention. I told him I couldn't talk for a while. He doesn't know that means ever.

------

These are the rantings of an adult child who never got enough attention from her adoptive, alcoholic mother. That's all this is. There is no magic, mystery, soul-mating, blah blah. This is just dysfunction on a constant repeat cycle. The washer is stuck but never gets anything fully clean.

My husband and oldest son spent the entire day yesterday outside working on my car. They were tireless and committed to getting it fixed. Hood was up; there were runs to the auto parts store and brief breaks for water and food. But they spent the whole day fixing my car so I could take it to the library to work today. We had some health scares over the holidays with my son, and it was a joy to see him back at it with dad, working hard out in the sunshine--something they both love.

What a contrast to the ridiculousness of my own day. Thank you, Universe, for the gift of clarity.

I think I'm done. @};-
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

Tremington
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:20 am
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by Tremington » Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:26 pm

Your current LO sounds like a complete loser. He should get attention from no one but a therapist.

L-F
Posts: 2130
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by L-F » Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:55 pm

Cookie wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:24 pm
Thank you, Universe, for the gift of clarity.

I think I'm done. @};-
Beautiful post Cookie! :ymhug:

The Universe delivers people we NEED to help hurt us enough, to reach the place you have. The universe doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.

And that is where I find the magic of LO for without her, I'd be stuck, not in lala-land, stuck in my own dysfunction and not appreciating my families worth. Along with never forgiving my father and wishing him dead, which I did ever year. Every time someone said their father had passed over all I wanted to say was "you lucky bas+ard".

But now, having worked thru the anger, I've reached a place of appreciation for LO and my limerent experience, because it ultimately led me to an awareness about who I was, and it was here that I got to decide who I wanted to be.

And I knew I didn't want to be a holder of bitterness, hate, resentment and revenge.

I wanted to align with my soul purpose. I've never felt more stable and free.

Blessing to you Cookie @};-

Ps I spent a week with my NPD father after I had forgiven him and it was the best gift I could have given both of us. Unconditional love (for his inner child and mine). Forgiveness brought me freedom beyond imagination.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

Cookie
Posts: 476
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by Cookie » Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:57 pm

Tremington wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:26 pm
Your current LO sounds like a complete loser. He should get attention from no one but a therapist.
They all have been, Tremington. Not that I’m anyone to talk at this point. But yeah…either bipolar, borderline, depressive, struggling artist, broke, all of the above, etc. What I didn’t realize until I found this forum is that they were really just replaying the dynamic of my mom (mentioned above) and brother (bipolar, also alcoholic, died alone in a hotel room at age 40).
L-F wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:55 pm
Beautiful post Cookie! :ymhug:

But now, having worked thru the anger, I've reached a place of appreciation for LO and my limerent experience, because it ultimately led me to an awareness about who I was, and it was here that I got to decide who I wanted to be.

I spent a week with my NPD father after I had forgiven him and it was the best gift I could have given both of us. Unconditional love (for his inner child and mine). Forgiveness brought me freedom beyond imagination.
Thank you, L-F! I am not out of the woods yet--not by a long shot--but this morning I woke up to a message from some random dude on FB and I deleted it immediately. More losers. More leeches. Ugh. I was happy to feel disgust instead of excitement.

Yes, I agree with you that the limerent experience is a lesson, a mirror. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long, but we don’t get to choose that either…although we can probably frontload the work if we can clear the fog sooner.

Interesting about your NPD dad, and I am happy that you have been able to get there with your relationship with him! Very similar parallel to my mom.

A footnote here that none of this is a magic bullet for me and my husband. His ego is as fragile as they come, and I am learning how to set boundaries with that as well.

Thanks for all your wisdom and tough love on here.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

MrSpock
Posts: 707
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: It's over.

Post by MrSpock » Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:02 pm

L-F wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:55 pm
The Universe delivers people we NEED to help hurt us enough, to reach the place you have. The universe doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.
Exactly right! And there is a rather twisted, but fundamental, corollary there regarding LOs.

If we consider that NOT being able to have a relationship with our LOs is what the Universe prefers for us, is easy to see that is for the best from all angles:

On the one hand, considering our totally distorted perception of them, plus our unhealthy attachment to them, an actual relationship with an LO is likely to be a disaster so big that it wouldn't even be the right amount, nor form, of adversity. Kind of like how killing your entire family is not something the Universe would do to get you to appreciate what you still have left in your (now miserable) life.

But on the other hand, if a relationship with an LO could, actually, turn out the way we dream of it, if we could get away with living happily ever after with our perfect soul mate, then it would, in the end, be useless.
It would be like going to school everyday to found out that the teacher is never there: everyday would be a Sunday, right, but at the end of the school year we would have learned nothing and we would have actually just wasted our time entirely.
A serious lifetime romantic relationship with an SO, which is in the end what we all want to have with an LO, is not really about being happily ever after, is about learning to be better with the support of an SO that, just as you said, can "help us hurt enough".

An LO is the promise of a dreamlife, which is, not only an illusion, but also a useless futile one, because the real life we need is one in which we can become who we are not.

Idiotic
Posts: 1565
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: It's over.

Post by Idiotic » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:21 am

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:02 pm
in which we can become who we are not.
Is that even possible though?
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

Cookie
Posts: 476
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by Cookie » Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:16 pm

Idiotic wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:21 am
MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:02 pm
in which we can become who we are not.
Is that even possible though?
Idiotic, I would add the word “currently” after “not.” When we are in limerence, we are our false selves—with our fragile egos and masks co-opting our true identities.

Becoming who we are not, as I see it, is becoming our real self, the one we have buried out of fear of being seen for what we truly are—flawed and human.

Limerence is just the embodiment of a perfected ideal. It’s not real, but we can cling to it for as long as we deny the true self. But it’s just not sustainable, and each rejection reminds us of that.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

marko
Posts: 1376
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by marko » Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:38 pm

It can also be nice when over isn't the end of the world. Coexisting with the unraveled you is a bit rough. There may be a few throwing in the life ring LE moments remaining, but the first uttering of "it's over" pushes it dreadfully and blessedly away. The realization of who they really are helps too, even if it's distorted. My LO always kind, but I had to also focus on how the things of her also annoyed me. She was bold, but it was also an annoyingly boldness and at times rude. Was it, I made it so. I also then focused away from all that. Even hadshe been rude to me, so what, she's an adult and owes me nothing--especially what I wanted her to give me. Many here have anger at LO's reactions to someone they find an intrusive strange stalker. It's good to look at that part of self and go oh oh, I'm not right. It's fine that the crumbling of all of that is hard and sad as it is a loss. One other factor is, sure you address self, and maybe heal, but every other factor outside of this may not. I posted about self sabotage, poor marriage and just think of the waste of time and energy. So as you might feel better, those other ghosts haunt. Face each one and call it what it is and forgive yourself. Living amongst the broken bits and drawing some sense of power from surviving. It's tough :ymhug:

Cookie
Posts: 476
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by Cookie » Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:44 pm

marko wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:38 pm
It's good to look at that part of self and go oh oh, I'm not right. It's fine that the crumbling of all of that is hard and sad as it is a loss. One other factor is, sure you address self, and maybe heal, but every other factor outside of this may not. I posted about self sabotage, poor marriage and just think of the waste of time and energy. So as you might feel better, those other ghosts haunt. Face each one and call it what it is and forgive yourself. Living amongst the broken bits and drawing some sense of power from surviving. It's tough :ymhug:
This is pretty brilliant, Marko.

I confess that today when I dropped by son off at work, I sat in the parking lot of (newest, young) LO's place of work to see if I could spot him. It felt sick and stalkerish, but I wanted to remind myself of how crazy it is. I didn't see him and just drove on.

GHOSTS is exactly right. The LOs are ghosts, and even after we've chased them away, the old ghosts--the tough ones--remain.

Today I also find myself very bitter at LO...the one with the GF. He knows how difficult this has been for me, I have told him exactly how I feel and all my reservations, yet he PUSHES me because he is so desperate for sex. So disgusting. I'm disappearing from social media for the next month to finish a project and shake some of these losers.

Onward and upward.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
(...had a recent 8, but he was easy to release. Progress?!)
Last real LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

L-F
Posts: 2130
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's over.

Post by L-F » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:00 pm

Cookie wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:57 pm
I was happy to feel disgust instead of excitement.
:-bd

Huge breakthrough. Once you realize it is your own 'sick' that likes or liked their 'sick'... in other words, once you realize that you are the driver in all of this (which I think you have), it becomes easier to set boundaries with yourself.

For example, I can recognize the moment prior to feeling attracted and then be able to apply the breaks (or put in boundaries). For me, it's a strange feeling of nothingness, where neither party wants to end the conversation and it starts going in circles, with the conversation being neither in the friendzone or professional space. Nicey nicey chitchat for no reason other than physically wanting to be in each others space (I call it the transference zone).

Proud of ya Cookie!
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

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