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When Are You Healed?

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
AMA210
Posts: 1919
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

When Are You Healed?

Post by AMA210 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:43 am

How does one know when limerence has been conquered and when one is healed?

In my experience, it's when I took my own life back, took my power back from LO, have remained in that power, realized the wheel/cycle we were on was producing the same results, finally understanding that his hot and cold behavior was his way of dealing with me, and his rejection of me was not because I wasn't good enough, but because he was just self-sabotaging and was unable to receive.

It's when I could sit in that lunchroom for an hour for a seminar and not be emotional because I had learned to control my emotions. It's when I can see him now and nothing is triggered.

He is, and always will be, a real person, who struggles with shadows, and life, just like everyone else. But, he will remain in my heart, and yes, I still think he is hot.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

NVTS
Posts: 428
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by NVTS » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:44 pm

Way to go AMA! That’s how I am feeling about LO more and more.
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

MrSpock
Posts: 709
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by MrSpock » Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:04 pm

Hi AMA,

I think your post perfectly summarized how I view "Graduation from Limerence High", as I like to call it.

From the symptoms point of view, is when you are finally able to have a normal relationship with LO (ANY LO, past and future), whatever normal means in each particular case.

From a deeper point of view, is when we finally realized that we don't need the attention, affection, care or approval, or anything from ONE special other in order to be happy. What we need is the possibility to manifest OUR OWN attention, affection, care and approval. That is, TO love. And yes, we need other people for that, but we can do that with the special others we already have in our lives. And even if we don't already have anyone, we can always find someone TO LOVE, which is the opposite of wanting to BE LOVED from someone.

I'm not there yet, but it is where I'm heading.

mamasita
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Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by mamasita » Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:38 pm

I don't know. I'm not there yet, apparently.
I still really want his attention. I still come up with scenarios in my mind where he is giving me attention. I do divert my thoughts several times a day and refocus.
I don't think I will ever have a normal relationship with him. These past few years have changed me so much. He is unknowingly a part of that.
My therapist tells me its okay, think of him and let it pass. I feel that she minimizes it's impact on my life sometimes. She tells me I have myself figured out pretty well and all is well.
But I'd sure like to rarely think of him, if at all. I don't reach out anymore, and I'm grateful for that! But even last night I imagined messaging him just to ask if he "still likes me?"
I won't but the insecure and needy part within me still really craves his approval. :ymsigh:

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FreeBird
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Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by FreeBird » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:42 pm

Ditto, yep, to the posts above. I will be one year NC next month. Healing, definitely. I think I will be able to say I'm completely healed when I don't fear running into him and feel indifferent if I do. I don't desire to contact him now which is huge.

AMA, congratulations again on this new phase in your recovery.
Last edited by FreeBird on Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
Mayberry:Gateway to danger :ymcowboy:

L-F
Posts: 2147
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
New Zealand

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by L-F » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:17 pm

I was four years NC before I qualified from Limerence High. I like Spocks idea of being able to have a 'normal' relationship although I know I can't, simply because of all that has transpired in my heart and head.

I've said it many times, I will always LOVE LO. But not in the limerent way.

How did I know I was over it? When the urge to know about her life vanished. When I was able to function normally without dreams, or constant thoughts about her. When I stopped daydreaming of a future with her. When I started embracing life. When I was able to feel gratitude for the limerence experience. When I gained awareness regarding the reasons LE exists (that the pain was signaling me to look at my past hurts).

But. I will always love her (for helping to set me on the path of healing).

It's odd that two strangers should meet and the impact has a phenomenal outcome.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

MetsFan
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by MetsFan » Thu Jan 10, 2019 7:14 pm

Wow L-F thanks for that. I truly hope to get where you have got with this. I’m only 4 weeks NC so I know I’m only at the start of a long road, but that gives me such hope for a bright future.

I’m still thinking about her constantly, someone mentioned to me earlier that they had seen her and my heart started racing knowing I was about to hear new information about her. I’m starting to see the benefits of this LE on my life and I am trying to forgive her in order to move into a state of gratitude for the introspection she’s sparked in me. But it’s all too raw still and I need to be with the pain a little longer I think.

MrSpock
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Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jan 10, 2019 7:28 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:17 pm
I was four years NC before I qualified from Limerence High. I like Spocks idea of being able to have a 'normal' relationship although I know I can't, simply because of all that has transpired in my heart and head.

I've said it many times, I will always LOVE LO. But not in the limerent way.

How did I know I was over it? When the urge to know about her life vanished. When I was able to function normally without dreams, or constant thoughts about her. When I stopped daydreaming of a future with her. When I started embracing life. When I was able to feel gratitude for the limerence experience. When I gained awareness regarding the reasons LE exists (that the pain was signaling me to look at my past hurts).

But. I will always love her (for helping to set me on the path of healing).

It's odd that two strangers should meet and the impact has a phenomenal outcome.
One the things that I have been exploring a lot since LE is the correct characterization of a "healthy" relationship. And I should have said "healthy" instead of "normal" because the later might be interpreted as "usual".

But then, what is a healthy relationship?
In particular, can you LOVE someone who you are sexually/romantically attracted to, but is not your romantic life partner? can you have a non-sexual/romantic relationship with someone you are attracted to? well, I want to conclude that yes, you can.

Not only that, but I want to conclude that you can even fuel such an Unselfish Love from the inevitable, brain-driven romantic/sexual attraction without even fighting it.

Put it another way... romantic/sexual attraction is at the end of the day just "input": Is what we do with it what matters. By default, we go head over heals and want to "have" the object we are attracted to, and maybe perhaps even just add a bit of love too, but mostly we react by wanting to posses, not so much to love.

But, can we learn to respond differently? can we respond with "just loving" that which we are attracted to, even sexually attracted? without the "wanting"?

I believe that yes we can. In fact, I read what you just wrote about how is your relationship with her now as a direct "field verification" that I'm correct.

FWIW, this is precisely what I'm trying to do. And with LO2 I feel I'm getting there (while not at all with LO1)

Helpmeplease
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by Helpmeplease » Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:03 pm

This has been going around my head for months and I had posted a few thoughts on it in my thread.
Could I have turned LE into true feelings of love and if so what kind? Can I cope with that? Can I rewire my brain to stop the internal conflict that this has caused?. Can I rewire it again to get rid of the physical desire and leave a close friend ship. Does 'low level limerence' exist where you are happy with life, with no internal conflict and have both SO and someone else who you care deeply about and past the line of friends?

I haven't answered these questions yet and not sure what the answer is for me. I do think it's dependent on the person and their LO and all sorts of other factors so it isn't to know what the answer is before trying and the answer could be either way.

I briefly felt the other day that I could cope if she wasn't in my life - that gave my hope that I am making some progress and that the answer to above/Mr Spock qn is yes but for me it's also quite dangerous trying to get the answer and requires you to manage both interaction and location. (One lunch a week is enough to keep friendship real and close. Three lunches is too much. Her inviting me is better than me inviting her.)

Wishing you good luck Mr Spock. And thanks to you others which show you can get out of LE with understanding and will power. I think I will be 'cured' when I don't feel internal conflict and I can rest and enjoy being fully in the moment in a task I am doing

L-F
Posts: 2147
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
New Zealand

Re: When Are You Healed?

Post by L-F » Fri Jan 11, 2019 9:48 pm

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 7:28 pm
can we respond with "just loving" that which we are attracted to, even sexually attracted? without the "wanting"?
Unconditional right? That unconditional love goes so far as including my parents.

I'm even breaking bad habits with it, such as misophonia. Rewiring or retraining my brain by consciously listening to eating sounds made by people and applying empathy (some people are naturally noisy eaters) and logic (eating is necessary). You could say CBT.

So yes, unconditional extends beyond LO and into the real world. There are a ton of poorly wired wiring in my head that needs self work. One annoyance at a time. That is why I laughed when someone wants to block someone because at the end of the day, facing our triggers can be healing.

To cut to the chase, learning to love our own strangely wired brains will help us in developing unconditional love. Unconditional love is, I believe, something that needs constant work.

https://www.sciencealert.com/can-t-stan ... misophonia
Last edited by L-F on Sat Jan 12, 2019 3:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

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