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Husband is often the LO

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Husband is often the LO

Post by 2limerents » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:05 pm

We have been married for 19 years. Husband has recently had affair with much younger 25 plus years woman who is married with children.
After studying limerence, addiction, childhood trauma, he fits this quite clearly. Neither of us were familiar with limerence until I started researching about affairs.
His behavior over the past year was secretive, totally out of character and bizarre. I only found out that met and had sex and that they had been in regular contact for a year.
Learning about his behavior, it was quite apparent that this was more than crush or infatuation. He has deep childhood wounds, early 50's (mid life crisis) and suffers from multiple addictions. Limerence kind of makes sense however so damaging to all involved.
After speaking to my therapist today, I was originally sold on him actually being the LO as he has had many woman over his life obsess over him and some even stalking him. He has never asked a woman out in his life and is happy to be on the receiving end of all the attention. (he has boundary issues also).
So this young woman was in charge of pursuing him over the past year and he loved the attention and it became limerent . I believe they were both experiencing limerence. The barriers were so great which I believe fueled the fire.
He has cut off contact, in therapy and we are trying to salvage our relationship. He keeps talking about the feeling of 'his brain on fire'. All the chemicals etc.
So, is it possible for 2 limerents to be in a relationship at the same time? Does anyone else feel like they are always the LO? Is there a pursuer and one that is pursued?
She has reached out recently and she didn't take it well when he reminded her of No Contact. She is putting her young marriage and ours on the line.


Re: Husband is often the LO

Post by limerent » Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:19 pm

this is very plausible. i can see that happening to myself and my LE almost happened like that when a women whom I've known long time ago in a semi-romantic way in my teenage years reached out decades later for help and showed me plenty of attention. that caused my LE to explode into the greatest fireworks of my life.
later turned out she was not not romantically interested in me either then or now, but it would be even worse if she was.

now, I have a bit of dilemma, as she is braking the NC lately. this thing is too easy to come back.

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Re: Husband is often the LO

Post by MrSpock » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:40 pm

It is definitely possible for a reciprocal limerence to occur. Is not usual, but not unheard of either.

That you know about it, that your husband is willing to go NC and work out of it, is awesome!! so even though the current stage might be really painful, I think you two are on the right path. This can take a while though. It is going to be two years for and I'm still struggling. So be patient and as supportive as you can. Is he in here? Would he?

There one thing in you husband's story that caught my attention:

While I had had, in my single years, the experience of being the one chased after (not a lot), it was always from the wrong girl, or very precisely because it was from the exact right girl, I had always sabotaged it. So, I partially blame the current LE to the fact that, in the end, I never really got the girl I wanted, regardless of how many times I could have gotten some girl or how many times I could have got the right one if I hadn't fucked it up.

But from what I read here, that's not your husband's case, as he seemed to have always gotten the cake and eat it too. That made me think that my own explanation for my own limerence might be incorrect :-?

Maybe with the right set of conditions: childhood traumas and addictive personality, a certain attention from the right person (or wrong, depending on the point of view) is all it takes to set this on fire?? in my own case, whether real or imagined, the way she looked and even pursued me was the igniting spark that put me head over heals. Maybe it has nothing to do with the past experiences I didn't get to have.

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