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I hear what you are all saying about reciprocation. It makes sense but at the same time (and maybe I am being naive and ignorant) but I just don't think I'm that type of person. I think one of the most maddening things about this experience is the uncertainty. That's what this whole thing has stemmed from. I know that I was the one to initially have a crush on him. A normal, get nervous and shy - "oh hey he's hot now let me move on with my day" sort of crush. What I don't know is why this blossomed into something so much more intense. Part of me thinks it just HAS to be because he was giving off some type of vibe to make me feel that way. That it didn't ONLY come from me. It's not JUST one sided. I've been reading through these forums a lot and came across something someone said that really stuck with me. A lot of times when I would catch eye contact with LO, that always made me wonder. Why are they looking at me? And this person said well - of course they are looking at you they are checking to see if you are looking at them. But is that the case? Is he looking at me because I'm looking at him? Or am I looking at him because he is looking at me? Which came first? THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG???
This is why I am going so insane. I don't need to know what he thinks about me so that we can run off into the sunset together. That's never going to happen. That's not what I want. I need to know because I need to know. I understand that this is about me and I need to work on myself...and I am, in so many ways. Like I said - I am just not that kind of person... to get reciprocation and then need more and more and more. I just need it the one time. To know I'm not crazy. Or to not get it... and then yes maybe feel completely humiliated. But I don't care. I think the humiliation would help to squash it. I don't know. None of this matters. We are strangers. We are both with other people. There is no scenario or reason for us to ever interact on any level. That's what's really driving me nuts. I can't gauge anything based off nothing.
I've had a rough time too - very up/down with my anxiety and mood, which I know are helping fuel my limerence. I noticed that it's when I'm doing better that I get more critical of myself with regards to limerence. When I'm overwhelmed falling into those patterns is easy and seems safe. When I'm doing better, I can look at my limerence more critically - see and understand the wasted time and cray things I've done for someone who barely knows I exist.
Are others perfectionists? My therapist feels that, because I'm having trouble achieving perfection in other areas of my life, a lot of this is the result of me creating a perfect mate/person so that I can try to achieve perfection this way. It's an interesting view (although I don't think she fully grasps the intensity of it yet).
If it's any consolation Can't Sleep, I think you're doing awesome. I'm finding it very difficult (emotionally, not physically) to go no contact. So, keep going!
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