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Finally delurking — I'm a mess

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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wantalobotomy
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2018 5:16 pm
United States of America

Finally delurking — I'm a mess

Post by wantalobotomy » Tue Dec 04, 2018 5:48 pm

Hi all. I've been lurking on this forum since I first discovered the term/concept in August of 2017 — my desperate Internet searches revealed, finally, that there's a name for what I've experienced at various times over the course of my life.

The LE from that August is still with me, and recent events prompted me to finally make an account so that I can get it out somewhere.

My story: As I mentioned, I've had limerent episodes my whole life. One of those spawned the start of the relationship I am in now, which is wonderful in almost every way. We are long-distance, though, and have no plan or strategy in sight to live in the same place.

In May of 2017, I moved from a city that I loved to a new city for a great job. The new city is also half as far from my SO, which is a bonus. However, whether it's the move or something else, limerence has come back in a big way. The current LO is an ex boyfriend from long ago (our late teens — the end of high school; I'm 31 now) and it is a MESS.

We reconnected when we realized that we now lived in the same city. I immediately felt a stir of feelings for him. It didn't become full blown limerence until I slept with him when very drunk. So... I cheated on my boyfriend. After the second time it happened, I talked to my SO about exploring "openness" in the relationship. I gave him some context about limerence and about my history of infidelity, which I believe is linked to the limerence. He said he thought it would be okay if I slept with other people sometimes, as long as I didn't fall in love with someone else. I took that as an OK to continue the sexual relationship with my LO. However, shortly thereafter, the LO started dating someone else. I was in limerent pain all fall. With the help of my therapist at the time (more on that in a minute), I decided to go NC after one last get-together for drinks.

So I went NC in December 2017. Incidentally, so did he — I never heard from him after the night we saw each other. There was an excruciating month or two, then a few months when things really seemed to be improving. However, in August of 2018, it was just like before, except that we hadn't spoken in 8 months. I was in agony, and I decided to break NC. I KNOW.

Initially, the reconnection did feel markedly better than before — it was LC and I felt in more control (for the most part). However... when we got together for drinks for my birthday (his suggestion), he told me that he'd broken up with his girlfriend. So, yes... we are now in the midst of an affair. The worst part is that, unlike many of my other LEs, this one is complicated by genuine feelings for someone I've known a long time, trust implicitly, and have a great time with, in a city that otherwise feels lonely to me.

I'm considering going NC again — we're supposed to see each other again this weekend and then I'll be out of town for a month, which seems like a great time to re-establish NC. The agony of this week (you know the drill: jumping at every phone notification, desperate to see his name; can't think about anything else; replaying every minute of the time we've spent together; all of it) has me thinking it's necessary. Of course, it's so much easier said than done, and he does add value to my life.

Final detail: I sought therapy immediately upon moving. I met with a couple in my city, neither of which felt like a good fit. Then, I found a great therapist on an online app (Talkspace) in September of 2017. She was wonderful. She hadn't heard of limerence, but immediately started reading Tennov's book and seemed to grasp the basics pretty quickly. She really helped me get through the rest of the year and into 2018. However, in May I moved to a new apartment — and happened to cross state lines, which she said meant that she could no longer work with me as she is not licensed where I am now. That was a big blow. I got a new therapist on Talkspace, but it wasn't a fit either, so I requested another transfer. The new person I'm working with online seemed great at first, but she became less and less responsive almost immediately. I have sent her a million messages about the current situation and my pain, and she's barely responded. I just want my old therapist back!

Thanks for reading. Would love any thoughts or responses people have. It helps to feel less alone.

MetsFan
Posts: 49
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
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United States of America

Re: Finally delurking — I'm a mess

Post by MetsFan » Tue Dec 04, 2018 6:29 pm

Hello - you’ve done the right thing by delurking and writing all this down, even that act starts to make things better. You don’t say why you can’t leave SO to be with LO, if indeed that’s something you would want to do?

On the T, I use an online therapist via one of the well known sites and she is very good. We don’t use the term Limerence but I feel like she gets it and my torment and brings great, timely perspective.

wantalobotomy
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2018 5:16 pm
United States of America

Re: Finally delurking — I'm a mess

Post by wantalobotomy » Tue Dec 04, 2018 9:51 pm

Thanks so much for responding!

That's a great question. There are two answers: 1) I don't want to, because my SO is a *much* better match for me (in every way except for the long-distance, which admittedly poses a genuine long-term problem). Every time I consider the possibility, I shudder at the magnitude of the mistake that I think it would be. 2) I'm fairly confident that LO doesn't want that. As of the summer of 2017 (the first iteration of the affair), he said as much. Since breaking up with his most recent girlfriend, he talked about his fear that he'll never be able to find the right person, but I didn't get *any* indication that he thought I could be that person. (My limerbrain suggests otherwise based on some of the recent behavior and actions toward me, but I know it's the addict seeking reciprocation.) For example, I asked if the breakup had anything at all to do with me, because the timeline of when he said he decided he needed to end things matched up suspiciously with my breaking NC, he broke up with her a few days before we were set to meet for birthday drinks, etc... but he insisted that it did not.

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