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New- So Confused

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Confused714
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:22 pm
Gender:
United States of America

New- So Confused

Post by Confused714 » Sun Dec 02, 2018 7:09 pm

Hi! I am new here. I just found out about limerence as I think I may be experiencing it. There is someone who I have known for many years(20) We have lost touch and reconnected a few times over the years but a few years ago he reached out to me and we reconnected. We started talking a lot like we had in the past but it continuely progressed to more than just friends. We are both married. His relationship was really bad at the time and mine was so bad that I was already considering leaving. I am a emotionally abusive relationship. Anyway as we continued talking all the time feelings started to develop on both sides. Was more on his side first. Then I progressively started to feel them too. We love to far away now to actually see each other in person so everything happened through texting and phone calls. We have talked almost daily for the last 2.5 years. It used to be all day long. From morning until night everyday sending texts or calling. Not as much now but still talk a lot. He will not leave his family because they have children and things have gotten somewhat better. I haven’t left ether although I should reguardleas of him. Everything is so complicated. Now it hurts to think about him not being in my life. I have very strong feelings for him. Is this limerence? How do I get past it? Do we have to stop being friends to get past it?

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3302
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: New- So Confused

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon Dec 03, 2018 10:23 am

Welcome to the forum! It is generally recommended to go NC at least for a time. If you've been relying on LO for any type of emotional support/venting, it might be a good idea to look elsewhere for that (like here). There's a lot of good reading on here and other people who understand what you're going through. :)
The saddest thing in life is wasted talent-Lorenzo Arnello, A Bronx Tale

marko
Posts: 1333
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: New- So Confused

Post by marko » Wed Dec 05, 2018 4:15 pm

That pain you are in stems from the bad relationship and the want to escape that. It's like this, and that pain can come from more than the relationship. You may be feeling your age and life escaping you and you can't see a better day in your situation. Perhaps your aging or parents as they pass. Let's face it, life really begins to suck as we age.

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: New- So Confused

Post by Pandora » Wed Dec 05, 2018 7:05 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Mon Dec 03, 2018 10:23 am
Welcome to the forum! It is generally recommended to go NC at least for a time. If you've been relying on LO for any type of emotional support/venting, it might be a good idea to look elsewhere for that (like here). There's a lot of good reading on here and other people who understand what you're going through. :)
I second this! I think, in a situation such as yours, it's only natural to see someone else as a 'way out' of your relationship. If you can find someone else for emotional support during this time, and you find your feelings for him fading or transferring to a new person, it probably isn't actual love, but just a desire for escape. It's common to bond with people who are going through the same situation/trauma. Limerence requires some sort of barrier to the relationship forming, and you've got that with your marriages, so it might be that trauma bond + barrier creating limerence.

I'd also ask, you say you know you need to leave your marriage - are you waiting for your LO to become available to do it, even if it's just unconsciously? Because if you are, I think no contact is definitely necessary in your case, since you're essentially waiting for him to save you.

Good luck! Keep us updated!
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Confused714
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:22 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New- So Confused

Post by Confused714 » Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:56 pm

Pandora wrote:
Wed Dec 05, 2018 7:05 pm
JupiterTaco wrote:
Mon Dec 03, 2018 10:23 am
Welcome to the forum! It is generally recommended to go NC at least for a time. If you've been relying on LO for any type of emotional support/venting, it might be a good idea to look elsewhere for that (like here). There's a lot of good reading on here and other people who understand what you're going through. :)
I second this! I think, in a situation such as yours, it's only natural to see someone else as a 'way out' of your relationship. If you can find someone else for emotional support during this time, and you find your feelings for him fading or transferring to a new person, it probably isn't actual love, but just a desire for escape. It's common to bond with people who are going through the same situation/trauma. Limerence requires some sort of barrier to the relationship forming, and you've got that with your marriages, so it might be that trauma bond + barrier creating limerence.

I'd also ask, you say you know you need to leave your marriage - are you waiting for your LO to become available to do it, even if it's just unconsciously? Because if you are, I think no contact is definitely necessary in your case, since you're essentially waiting for him to save you.

Good luck! Keep us updated!
We definitely have barriers. Not only are we both married but we live pretty far from each other and both have lives that even if we were single would be hard to make work. Both have children and wouldn’t be able to move. I never intended for this to happen. At first it was just an old friend and he happened to show up when I was in a really low spot. He started texting and calling me all the time and as things progressed I developed feelings. I didn’t learn or know anything about limerence until things started to slow down some and I found that I was really attached to him but maybe I wasn’t as important to him anymore. I know he cares about me but wasn’t calling and texting all the time like he used to. Things improved in his marriage. All the sudden I was thinking about him constantly and getting anxiety. All these feelings I didn’t have before. That how I found out about this.

I’m not waiting for him. I know I need to go. I also know he isn’t going to save me. He can’t leave. I have to do it myself but it is something that is really difficult for me. I have never really stood up to him and I have always struggled with hurting others. That makes leaving very difficult. I have a pretty low self esteem and struggle to stand up for myself. I do go to counseling by myself and have gotten stronger but not strong enough yet. I have not told my counseler about LO. This is the only place I have admitted that to anyone.

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