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How did you accept you were limerent?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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SO Hanging On
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How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by SO Hanging On » Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:38 pm

My wife is limerent and is currently in an EA with her LO. I knew something was wrong because her decisions were based on short term rewards for long term suffering and I saw bad decision after bad decision. I finally found limerence as a rational for her behaviour.

About two weeks ago I introduced my wife to the concept of limerence and so far she has resisted the idea that this is who she is. I am currently accepting of her position but, that has limits of course.

Logically speaking she knows that she has made a real mess of things, but to avoid the reality of the situation she has chosen simply to ignore it because reflecting on it is too hard for her.

So how do limerents move from belief that their love is deep and true to an understanding that they are limerent and their craving for passion is harmful and needs to be managed?

JohnDeux
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by JohnDeux » Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:52 am

SO Hanging On wrote:
Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:38 pm

So how do limerents move from belief that their love is deep and true to an understanding that they are limerent and their craving for passion is harmful and needs to be managed?
Sorry to hear of the pain you are going through with this and hope some clarity comes to your SO soon. It's one thing to have a craving for passion and another altogether to feel that some 'idol' they've come across is the answer to that craving and more. It's a tough question you ask. I probably felt much like your SO during my first LE many years ago. But when my second one occurred, I knew something was terribly off kilter and that it was mostly about my lack of involvement and investment in my marriage as well as issues that were never resolved from childhood days. My own SO didn't want to address any of this with me.....she just wanted me to be done with it and make any inner changes through help with a therapist and any discussion with other friends I might have.

With that in mind, I'm wondering if there are some approaches that could be suggested, even as it usually takes the LS realizing the pain that is being caused to self and others in order to stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Along with just showing her this and one or two other limerence sites, and along with *possibly* pointing out some parallels between her craving, her choice of LO, or the interactive situation between them and some aspect of her family of origin, and finally suggesting that she discuss her situation with some of her other friends that might provide a reality check, there may be some starting for her down the road to a reversal of her situation. Although not all of limerence is like drug addiction, that aspect of drug addiction where the addict needs to get to the point where they *WANT* to be helped is pretty similar. Hoping this may offer some place to start and good luck in your efforts.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

jack
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by jack » Sun Nov 11, 2018 4:37 am

this is not dissimilar from other addictions, alcoholics routinely deny they have a problem until something bad happens.
Last edited by jack on Wed Nov 14, 2018 1:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Cookie
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by Cookie » Sun Nov 11, 2018 5:25 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:52 am
SO Hanging On wrote:
Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:38 pm

So how do limerents move from belief that their love is deep and true to an understanding that they are limerent and their craving for passion is harmful and needs to be managed?
With that in mind, I'm wondering if there are some approaches that could be suggested, even as it usually takes the LS realizing the pain that is being caused to self and others in order to stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Along with just showing her this and one or two other limerence sites, and along with *possibly* pointing out some parallels between her craving, her choice of LO, or the interactive situation between them and some aspect of her family of origin, and finally suggesting that she discuss her situation with some of her other friends that might provide a reality check, there may be some starting for her down the road to a reversal of her situation. Although not all of limerence is like drug addiction, that aspect of drug addiction where the addict needs to get to the point where they *WANT* to be helped is pretty similar. Hoping this may offer some place to start and good luck in your efforts.
The addiction parallel is the only one that has resonated with me in my serial limerence, which works on the same pathways as other chemicals and hence is as hard to break—if not harder because of the psychosexual aspects. As John says, SO Hanging, limerents have to want help and/or come to the realization they need it. Unfortunately, like other addicts, they sometimes need to hit rock bottom first. Part of me wishes my SO would find out about all of it so that would happen.I hope you will hang in there with her. Whether we as limerents admit it or are even fully aware of it, there’s an underlying deep desperation and sadness to this. I think we are the world’s loneliest people. Yes, point her to this site, by all means. Use some of our stories as cautionary tales...I can attest to the fact that you can waste a lifetime if you don’t get help.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
Current LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

L-F
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by L-F » Sun Nov 11, 2018 6:06 pm

It can indeed take a lifetime. Some will no doubt go to their grave with a one-sided love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it.

Limerence is powerful stuff!

So... i guess you are asking 'how do you make someone pick up the mirror?' Ha! I wish i knew! I've been trying on here for years to get people to pick up the dang mirror. And ive learned that its not so much about 'them' as it is about 'me' picking up that mirror. Its about the person on the outside looking in. Its about my own awareness and not someone else's journey, for their journey is sacred.

Ive long conquered limerence, but the limerence of others? Its all one big long journey of self-discovery, not other-discovery. So yes, by all means learn as much as you can, and/or stand by your wife. The best way to help her? Do your own heavy lifting. Break those codependent chains. Do whatever it takes to understand limerence from your side of the fence, not hers, otherwise you'll be doing the heavylifting for her, which wont help.

This may or may not relate to you. I'd be asking myself (which i have of late) "why do i feel compelled to rescue?"
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

Anna
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by Anna » Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:54 am

I just wanted to chime in …and it is probably a repeat of what has already been said.... One of YOUR tasks here is not to rescue your wife, but to learn and accept that you can't control this . I know that what she is doing has a terrible effect on YOUR life and it bends you out of shape, but in reality it's HER life and her 'decision' albeit unconscious . Unfortunately I don't think you can get her to change at this moment until she realizes it herself (IF ever) What you are facing at the moment is your own co-dependency although you might not even realize that this what is happening and that that's what HER LE is teaching you.

I was married to an addict for 14 years before I had to learn the hard way that I can't change him, won't change him, can do all I want to influence him, BUT IT DIDNT WORK. He was not / is not ready. Everyone has their own journey, their own timeline their own tasks in their lives. If we think we have to take control / influence them by loving them more , taking decisions for them / babysit them / and we confuse this with love... it's wrong thinking / feeling . This is where your own journey starts... I realize this sounds harsh, especially since there are children involved, but such is life. Good Luck!

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David
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by David » Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:49 am

For me it came down to curiosity. I've always been interested in how stuff works. when i became obsessed my a woman i had only spoken to for 20 minutes, i became curious as to why?

I do wonder why some people decide to hold the mirror up of introspection and become more self aware, whereas the majority seem to wish stay anaesthetised. I suspect its because they fear the pain of change. As Anna says, we are all on our own journeys and only we can decide the route we take.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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marko
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by marko » Tue Nov 13, 2018 4:50 pm

In my case it finally sunk in that I run from my life and anxiety by obsessing over ideas. It finally dawned on me that this was possible with a person as well. The mid life crisis, bad marriage, grief etc had me launch self healing that I mixed up with these wonderful feelings I mostly projected from this LO. I obsessed over every bit as it made me feel wonderful, then horrible, and ran even deeper to the LO as no one else could heal.

I'm pretty sure that while in deep I knew how wrong and how off I was. I was even handed a bi polar diagnoses as to why I'd be a high as a kite powerhouse to a sobbing wreck the next. So it's a looney tunes existence and if your so sees little wrong, your existence might become tough. I would protect yourself and prepare for the worst. Glowing self introspective outcomes are rare here. For me, I exist with my wife and feel sorry for her. I don't love her because I never did. I also had to admit the only love I give is entirely self serving, and perhaps the real reason is I don't want to be loved. That sounds strange, but explains why I chase and dread getting caught so to speak. My love is only a Hallmark notion that makes me feel loved in the way it stimulates good feeling.

For her it will crumble but that continued mental escape will linger. My LO pops in often and quickly disappears. The brain swirling to find a good hit to escape this stupid anxiety. One feeds the other, tying it together was a challenge. Now I can't trust my thoughts or emotions as they lie to me. It may be hard for you to actually conceive that your SOs LO is actually not real. The Limmerent has an attraction built on some normal things, but mostly projected self healing garbage. I wanted to be validated by a smile, and if she did, she loves me. I wanted to be bold and brave like her, in order to be her. Rarely was it sexual, yet I also found her attractive. The minor factors the LO posses are also partially fabricated. It's a lie. Hope that helps a bit, it didn't me other than I partially freed myself.

JupiterTaco
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Re: How did you accept you were limerent?

Post by JupiterTaco » Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:27 pm

I didn't really go through that. I've known for some time that my methods of relating to people are a bit mucked up. By the time I found this forum I was just so glad to have found a name for what I was going through, that I wasn't alone, and that I had a place to talk about it.
"You know what makes the night so beautiful? That the galaxy had a choice to sit in darkness but it decided to let stars shine bright." S D-B, 1962-2018

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