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I think my husband has this

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Rbitdog
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I think my husband has this

Post by Rbitdog » Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:45 pm

I just learned about this. I’ve been married 21 years to my best friend, we have a 15 year old son. It’s been a wonderful marriage. Until May of this year. In May he started texting with a 46 year old woman in his home country, he is 60. He knew her over 30 years ago when he was her middle school teacher and she was 13 and had a crush on him. He says she was one of the reasons he quit teaching, so he may have had a crush on her as well. But he had no further contact with her until they started texting in May. Before the end of May he decided to divorce me and marry her, and they got engaged. He lied to her about being married. I found out in June that I was going to be divorced.
He’s still living at home because he is waiting on her and all her children to get their visas. I am aware he is just using us as a place to stay. He texts her obsessively, I think at least every hour, and sits out in his van texting or talking to her till usually 4 in the morning. She seems very volatile, and when she’s upset he becomes a person I’ve never even glimpsed in 21 years. He gets agitated, hostile, and very restless. He seems to be afraid of upsetting her. He barely speaks to me or his son, and has zero regard for our feelings (he has always been very considerate and caring). It’s getting very hard to take but I need to keep things civil for our son until the divorce is final and he moves out. I still love him but we don’t need to be around this, it’s been hell. I knew he seemed mentally unstable but he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and will not seek help. He just says I cannot understand.
Can both people be affected by this? She seems just as obsessive as he does, and requires he make frequent contact and he can’t be late with it either, or she gets upset, gets a headache, and has to to the hospital for a pain shot. That’s what she tells him anyway.
Her visa and everything is being financed by her aunt and uncle, who have also been told he is divorced. He also sends her money.

Ivanhoe
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Re: I think my husband has this

Post by Ivanhoe » Fri Oct 12, 2018 11:41 pm

Sounds like your husband is in full blown limerence - an addiction as (or more) powerful as heroin.
Has nothing to do with you ... or with her.

If you want some unsolicited advice from a 66 year old man who has dealt with limerence:

Tell him as long as he’s living with you you want 10 minutes of his time. Tell him that solely based on what he’s told you his girlfriend is obviously suffering from a severe attachment disorder that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life - after a few months, it will not be pretty and will get progressively worse. Show him this forum. Tell him you understand he’s going through limerence - a thing many men and women at certain ages go through. If he wants to work on it you are prepared to help with your full support.

Then leave him alone.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Rbitdog
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Re: I think my husband has this

Post by Rbitdog » Sun Oct 14, 2018 7:26 am

The hardest thing is him continually texting her in our house in front of our son. He doesn’t think he’s cheating because he’s never actually met her as an adult, they just text while waiting for her to get a visa and come over here. But it’s caused the divorce (filed, not complete) so the end result is the same. I ask him not to text her in the house, I explain it hurts and it’s disrespectful, and most of all it sets a bad example for our son. It doesn’t matter, he still does it, I don’t think he can help it. He’ll lie and say he’s doing something else, or hide his phone, it’s pitiful. If it was just me I’d probably just ignore it and kick him out once the divorce is final. But I do not want my son to see it or think it’s ok.

LostAgain
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Re: I think my husband has this

Post by LostAgain » Sun Oct 14, 2018 10:41 am

Good advice from Ivanhoe.

Rbitdog
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Re: I think my husband has this

Post by Rbitdog » Mon Oct 15, 2018 1:37 am

I’m trying to follow ivanhoe’s advice. He did look up limerence, but says he does not have it. He won’t listen to anything negative about his LO. She’s perfect. I told him about this forum, I hope he checks it out but not sure. My opinions mean less than nothing, he erased me and 21 years of marriage the minute she texted him.

marko
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Re: I think my husband has this

Post by marko » Mon Oct 15, 2018 2:57 pm

I'm sorry, this is so hard. He's like a drunk, but for you, there is nothing tangible to prove it to him. When limerent, you don't notice your actions are stupid. Then again you do, but it drives you deeper to escape. It's an escape that feeds off of the object. It can be as simple in your mind as the mid life crisis, but to him everything. Can you see other ways he may have escaped before this. Hobbies and passions, excersice, obtaining knowledge, even work itself, seem like nothing to you or others, but escape Is still everything. The sad self seeking healing all the wrong ways. Pity him and explain to your son as best you can how mental illness can derail people. Also hold him accountable, he's tortured but also willful in the escape. It won't go well for him, but like any addiction it has to hit home. In the glow, it will be impossible to reach him. Like all of here he will hit bottom. Stay strong and we are here for you as well as best as we can.

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David
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Re: I think my husband has this

Post by David » Mon Oct 15, 2018 6:20 pm

Rbitdog wrote:
Mon Oct 15, 2018 1:37 am
I’m trying to follow ivanhoe’s advice. He did look up limerence, but says he does not have it. He won’t listen to anything negative about his LO. She’s perfect. I told him about this forum, I hope he checks it out but not sure. My opinions mean less than nothing, he erased me and 21 years of marriage the minute she texted him.
In my experience, its rare for a partner to listen to their SO that they have limerence. Its better coming from a professional and yet so few professionals have heard the term. And even then many clients still wont listen. They would rather stay in the safety of their fantasy. Such is the power of addictions.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

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