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New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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notagain
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:23 pm
Great Britain

New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by notagain » Fri Oct 12, 2018 3:03 pm

Hi,

This is my first post, as my title says does anyone have advice or tips for going no contact with a LO co-worker?

I haven't known her long, a couple of months. I have been (too) friendly to her, and she's been friendly back. However now all my limerent feelings are messing me up, and I want them to stop. She's much too young for me, and nothing can happen between us.

Should I just gradually try and avoid her more and more? I literally can't go full no contact, as we have to speak at work. I have dug myself a hole by being too friendly/chatty/helpful to her, and now I don't know how to get out of it!

Thanks

MetsFan
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
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Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by MetsFan » Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:31 pm

Well.... you’re about where I was just over a year ago (my LO is MUCH younger too, works for me now and I can’t do anything either). Decisions I’ve made have certainly made this Limerence worse, so perhaps I can tell you where I’ve gone wrong and you can learn from my mistakes....

1. Getting friendly / flirty. She sort of joined my team and initially I saw her as hot but young, loud and immature. We got to know each other a bit and struck up a WhatsApp relationship while I was travelling for a week or so. This was when thoughts began in my mind that maybe she likes me.

2. Listening to her troubles. She wasn’t happy with her role and wanted to progress. I listened and offered to help (white knight to the rescue). I began to realise there was a lot more to her than I initially thought. She’s actually talented but misunderstood.

3. Taking charge. I arranged for her to work directly with me and gave her a better role. Our contact became constant. I was the guy that could see through the good looks, the heels and short skirts and the loud mouth for what she truly is.

4. Being her confidant. Boss turns into a mentor / father figure role and she’s telling me things she’s “never told anyone else”. WhatsApp at weekends, vacation, evenings.

5. Talking about “our relationship”. Other people commenting on how close we are and ask if there’s something going on. So we discuss it and resolve to keep our relationship more secret.

6. Showing emotion. We’ve both managed to upset the other one and we’ve ended up having arguments and falling out.

7. Tip-toeing around disclosure. After 6 we talked about why our relationship is so volatile and admitted that feelings run deeper but stopped short of outright disclosure.

That’s where I’m at now. Obsessed with someone I can’t have, no clear way of getting out without moving her on to another team (and worse job) or firing her. But I can’t bring myself to do It as I enjoy her company too much. I wish I could go back and not get involved....

notagain
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:23 pm
Great Britain

Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by notagain » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:44 pm

Thanks for your input! Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we knew they would become our LO then we wouldn't have gotten so involved.

We very rarely speak outside work, I can see regular Whatsapp messages as a slippery slope though. Thanks for the heads up about that. It sounds like the secret is to not flirt or get to close. It's a bit like playing with fire, you are going to get burnt!

I can see some key things I need to watch out for i.e. becoming too close and trusted and hiding our interactions.

My only vague plan is to spend less time with her at work without being really rude and obvious. It's easy to say that, I don't know how good I'm going to be at following through.

You sound like a genuinely nice guy, helping her out and being there for her. It's just a shame she become your LO. Sorry to hear about your situation. Maybe someone can chime in and offer some more advice?

Hologram
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Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:43 pm
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Great Britain

Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by Hologram » Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:56 pm

Hi notagain,

Welcome to the forum. I was in a very similar position to you so I will share some of my thoughts:

For me and my workplace LO, any LC or NC strategy could only be effective if I was prepared to let go of her and to start loving myself.

I realized (only after many, many months, that is) that much of my LC/NC was in fact an avoidance strategy so I didn't have to deal with my feelings for my LO (and my own self-loathing). I was also using LC (and particularly NC) to punish my LO for not giving me the attention I craved. The problem was, my LO would react negatively to my bouts of LC and I would see that as a 'victory' ("she must have feelings for me!") and I would feel sorry for her (driven by my own fear of abandonment) and try to reconnect and 'rescue' her. My LO seemed relieved when I did this but then I'd start the game all over again: all classic 'drama-triangle' stuff (I now understand I was simply re enacting a powerful dynamic I had with my mother - something that the recent 'mother-wound' thread has helped me make more sense of).

I think the main take-away from my post is to tread carefully with LC/NC. I personally wouldn't recommend NC in the workplace as it could be professionally damaging amongst other things. I eventually left my workplace after 2.5 years of being limerent for LO as I felt it was the only sure way of really dealing with my feelings. I'm in such a better place now.

My check-list? Keep strict boundaries; be polite with LO but keep all interactions as professional as possible and as brief as is necessary; discuss only work-related topics; avoid social-media contact. Keep a log of how you felt during/after interactions - you can 'analyse' objectively later, take ownership of those feelings. Very importantly: be kind and patient with yourself!

Good luck!

Hologram

lostinspace
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Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by lostinspace » Fri Oct 12, 2018 10:23 pm

Hi! I hardly feel qualified to offer advice as I have been unsuccessful with working too closely with LO and not feeling to good today over this issue. I have exercised some poor judgement with how much I have contacted LO. She is divorced, I am married. We enjoy our little chats quite a bit and even look forward to them. Yesterday I became very jealous over her and another person and today refused to have any additional contact with her (I am her boss). She tried to engage with me last night and today, and so far I am not having any of it! I just can't keep doing this. I am very sweet on her, but need to set some new boundaries, especially around my own behavior. All I can tell you is I am not in a happy place today. Wish me luck, this hurts like hell! Good luck to you as well!

notagain
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:23 pm
Great Britain

Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by notagain » Sat Oct 13, 2018 9:52 am

Hologram wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 9:56 pm
Hi notagain,

I think the main take-away from my post is to tread carefully with LC/NC. I personally wouldn't recommend NC in the workplace as it could be professionally damaging amongst other things. I eventually left my workplace after 2.5 years of being limerent for LO as I felt it was the only sure way of really dealing with my feelings. I'm in such a better place now.

....My check-list? Keep strict boundaries; be polite with LO but keep all interactions as professional as possible and as brief as is necessary; discuss only work-related topics; avoid social-media contact. Keep a log of how you felt during/after interactions - you can 'analyse' objectively later, take ownership of those feelings. Very importantly: be kind and patient with yourself!

Hologram
Thanks for your reply. I have only seen NC being recommended before. I didn't know limited contact (LC) was something which is recommended. I'm a bit relieved as NC at work sounds unfeasible. I think I'm just going to go with avoiding speaking to her if possible without being rude. If I do have to speak to her I'll keep it work related and professional.

The strict boundaries sounds like a good plan. I stupidly suggested meeting up outside work one day, nothing really came of it. I'm going to put a stop that, and create clear physical boundaries - no contact outside work. Also I'm going to create mental boundaries, and avoid thinking about her when I'm not at work. Part of my obsession is because outside work I don't have much of a social life or many interests, and instead of dealing with some of life's problems, I just obsess over her instead because it's easier.

I am too hard on myself, I am going to be more forgiving. I wish this limerence would disappear overnight, but as you say I need to be patient. I feel a lot better having a solid plan. Thank god for this forum!

MetsFan
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by MetsFan » Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:45 am

This is a great post on that early stage thinking about LO and what it leads to:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/10 ... t-reverie/

Worth reading. Indeed that whole blog is unbelievably good.

You’re lucky that you have recognised this early and discovered the concept of Limerence. I was over a year in before I did and was deep by then. Personally I’ve found reading up on the subject enormously helpful and I’m currently trying to focus on my self, physically and mentally to shift away from LO.

My advice to you would be LC, as much as possible and don’t be tempted to go deeper and talk personal life with her.

notagain
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 2:23 pm
Great Britain

Re: New here: Any advice for going no contact with LO co-worker?

Post by notagain » Sat Oct 13, 2018 9:57 pm

MetsFan wrote:
Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:45 am
This is a great post on that early stage thinking about LO and what it leads to:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/10 ... t-reverie/

Worth reading. Indeed that whole blog is unbelievably good.

You’re lucky that you have recognised this early and discovered the concept of Limerence. I was over a year in before I did and was deep by then. Personally I’ve found reading up on the subject enormously helpful and I’m currently trying to focus on my self, physically and mentally to shift away from LO.

My advice to you would be LC, as much as possible and don’t be tempted to go deeper and talk personal life with her.
Thanks that's all super helpful. It does seem with limerence it's more about us, than it is about them. Even if we did date our LO they wouldn't fix all our problems, just probably give us more.

That blog seems very interesting. It's weird how we give ourselves dopamine hits just from thinking about them. Then we get addicted to that hit, then it's all downhill. I think what also makes my situation worse, I had another LO at work, but they left so that resolved itself, now I've just transferred my limerence to this new woman!

I find understanding the science behind it, helps to make sense of it and battle it. I am dreading seeing my LO at work, as I'm not good at controlling myself around her. I know I need to stay strong or I feel terrible from my limerent thoughts taking over.

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