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Accountability thread

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Accountability thread

Post by Pandora » Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:58 am

For people who want support in the pain of withdrawal, and hopefully to display what strength and courage the members here have! Whether you're doing NC or LC or whatever bottom lines you've set for yourself, I started this thread to support our successes and dissect our failures (although hopefully we won't have any).

As of tomorrow at 5pm, I will officially have two weeks NC. I'd like to count this as a personal victory, but the honest truth of the matter is that he has initiated almost all of the contact, so without him initiating it doesn't happen. I would initiate contact, except he is a busy man and I'm afraid of coming off as a desperate, bored housewife. So my ego is saving me, in an odd way :)
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Charm » Sat Oct 06, 2018 12:49 pm

Oh Pandora - I need this thread badly today
:ympray:
NC going on 4 days today so kudos to you for 2 weeks - thats remarkable in my books!
Last 2 forced NC (his suggestion) have been broken both times by me - caved in after 2 days - so I really have never known if he ever misses me, wants me or thinks about me since I always reach out first.

Like you right now I am so tempted to say “do you miss me at all?” But as you said that will only make me look like a desperate lonely wife who is not as busy as an in demand businessman/husband like him.

Ive also started to question my self esteem - am I pretty enough?, did he get turned off? What did I do?
It all came from left field- his paranoia about if someone finds out is all well and good and he is absolutely right in that our lives will be shattered but WHAT WAS I TO HIM? Unanswered questions are gnawing at me... ~x(

Day 1, 2, and 3 were better - 4 is proving challenging and the sun has barely come up.

Looking forward to read shared feelings from others
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Pandora » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:35 pm

Ugh Charmed, I feel for you! I keep wondering 'Is he thinking about me? Do his fingers itch to text me, but he's trying to not be clingy?' I want to know if he's feeling the same things that I do. Realistically, he's probably not as crazed as I am, and even if he was - we hardly know each other, and I know what I'm feeling/thinking is irrational and obsessive. Why would I wish my current feelings on another person? It would be cruel.

And I totally feel the self-esteem stuff. The no contact feels like rejection, even if you have perfectly valid reasons for going NC. 'Am I pretty enough? He works with women who are prettier than me. I'm definitely not intelligent enough to capture his interest. Not sure if he gets my sense of humour, and realistically I'm probably not funny at all." On and on and on.

It's maddening! I hope day 4 goes better for you, or if not that you can at least ride out the waves of limerence. :ymhug:
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Charm » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:39 pm

If week 2 is still like this for you, I’m scared for what awaits me -
Is anyone out there able to reply to Pandora’s post and give us hope for the short term?
We know life gets better in the long term but
WHAT ABOUT NOW?? :((
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Pandora » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:50 pm

Ha ha! To be fair, at two weeks I'm finding a lot of my limerent thoughts are more 'background noise' than the intense longings. I'm still fantasizing, but I'm not as emotionally drawn into it. With the self-esteem stuff, I just tell myself 'You have a husband who loves you despite (because of?) all of your faults, and what a gift that is.' I'm passing through a phase where I'm a little disinterested in everything though, so I need to get back to having a life. When I get more involved in my hobbies and fill my time, I'm sure that my limerence will fade even further.

It is getting better, at least on my end! I think I'm going to start doing a prayer for LO. In 12 step programs they teach you to do a prayer for when you are resentful. You pray for good things to happen to the person you resent, and I think something similar might apply with LO. I can just pray something like:

'God, I pray that LO is not consumed with thoughts of me, that he is living happy, joyous and free, that he has wonderful people who love him and that he finds (or has) a loving partner in his life'.

The idea with the prayer is that you might not initially really want all of that for the person you're praying for, but you keep doing it until you do.

Anywho, just a thought I had.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Charm » Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:02 pm

Im definitely not there Pandora!
My prayer goes sonething like this currently:

Please pick up the damn phone and text/call me
Desire me
Want me
Need me
Dont stop thinking about me
Be miserable
Be sad
Be regretful

Im a bad limerent subject right now - Hopefully these angry sad thoughts will change
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

NVTS
Posts: 362
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: Accountability thread

Post by NVTS » Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:47 pm

Pandora wrote:
Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:50 pm
Ha ha! To be fair, at two weeks I'm finding a lot of my limerent thoughts are more 'background noise' than the intense longings. I'm still fantasizing, but I'm not as emotionally drawn into it. With the self-esteem stuff, I just tell myself 'You have a husband who loves you despite (because of?) all of your faults, and what a gift that is.' I'm passing through a phase where I'm a little disinterested in everything though, so I need to get back to having a life. When I get more involved in my hobbies and fill my time, I'm sure that my limerence will fade even further.

It is getting better, at least on my end! I think I'm going to start doing a prayer for LO. In 12 step programs they teach you to do a prayer for when you are resentful. You pray for good things to happen to the person you resent, and I think something similar might apply with LO. I can just pray something like:

'God, I pray that LO is not consumed with thoughts of me, that he is living happy, joyous and free, that he has wonderful people who love him and that he finds (or has) a loving partner in his life'.

The idea with the prayer is that you might not initially really want all of that for the person you're praying for, but you keep doing it until you do.

Anywho, just a thought I had.
Before I discovered the term limerence and in LO’s last day of work I thought part of the reason she was taking on the new job was to get away from me as I thought she had a crush on me and it was driving her just as crazy.

In the next few weeks of nearly losing my mind, I really hoped that she wasn’t feeling the same shitty way. As much as I wanted reciprocity I also didn’t want her dealing with this overwhelming feeling. She would burn the candle on both ends at work and lament the fact that she couldn’t tuck her kids in. I only later found out that she was on her 3rd marriage and boy did I feel like shit for playing any part in those flirty games. Of course it didn’t stop me from doing the things I would later do. :-??
M-47-married
LO- married 47,work colleagues

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Pandora » Sat Oct 06, 2018 7:24 pm

Charm wrote:
Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:02 pm
Im a bad limerent subject right now - Hopefully these angry sad thoughts will change
Well, if nothing changes, then nothing changes. If you want to feel differently, you'll probably have to do differently, even if the 'correct' actions don't align with your thoughts and desires.
NVTS wrote:
Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:47 pm
Before I discovered the term limerence and in LO’s last day of work I thought part of the reason she was taking on the new job was to get away from me as I thought she had a crush on me and it was driving her just as crazy.

In the next few weeks of nearly losing my mind, I really hoped that she wasn’t feeling the same shitty way. As much as I wanted reciprocity I also didn’t want her dealing with this overwhelming feeling. She would burn the candle on both ends at work and lament the fact that she couldn’t tuck her kids in. I only later found out that she was on her 3rd marriage and boy did I feel like shit for playing any part in those flirty games. Of course it didn’t stop me from doing the things I would later do. :-??
You hit the nail on the head. I thought I 'loved' all my LOs, but was it really love if I hoped they hurt as much as I did?
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 164
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Helpmeplease » Sat Oct 06, 2018 8:13 pm

Thank you for starting this thread. Its a great idea. I shall be following it for ideas and how others are coping with NC/LC,. which is something I am failing at but hope to be sorting it out soon.

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Charm » Sat Oct 06, 2018 10:15 pm

Just thinking of thoughts that may help in countering the longing/needing/pining for LO
If you guys can add to this it may help us all get through this process of NC.
Lets get into the head of an LO during NC

LO:
Does not miss me enough to reach out to me
Is happy and content carrying on in his regular routine without the added stress of an extra marital affair
May have gotten closer to his/her SO since NC with me which should deter me from longing
Feels like a “weight is lifted from his shoulder” - something he said after a previous NC attempt
Feels relieved its over and that I am not making contact to stir up feelings again
Feels its best for everyone concerned to never be in touch again

Anything else YOUR LO may be thinking?.....
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

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